Well, Sour Some Pickles and Elect Some Dickholes, It's... DEAR APRON!

In celebration of democracy, in celebration of demockracy, in celebration of tea parties and Halloween parties and political parties, and dress-up-your-dog-like-a-fairy parties, and dress-your-fairy-up-like-a-dog parties, let's put the party firmly in our pants, where it goddamn well belongs, and shake it till we break it with another incest-friendly edition of...

DEAR APRON:

A male cousin sent me an invitation to his wedding. I have met his fiancee a few times at family reunions and weddings, and she seems very sweet. The problem is my cousin sexually abused me for many years when I was younger. I have no desire to attend his wedding.

Am I obligated to send a card or a gift? I don't want his fiancee to think I don't like her, but it makes me sick to think of celebrating his marriage after what he did. What do I say when other family members ask why I'm not going? Am I obligated to tell her what he did? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN TEXAS

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW:

Well, I have to say: big time props for you. This is the first wedding etiquette letter I've ever answered that is even remotely interesting.

I mean, usually they're banal and insipid whinings about how Aunt Frieda doesn't get along with my second nephew twice removed by cystectomy, but we've already made the seating chart and Aunt Flo's dripping all over the damask tablecloths and the officiant never told us how much he charges and we need a Gluten free alternative for Cousin Bethesda because she has several of those made-up diseases.

Thank you for writing a letter with some actual balls. Oh, I'm sorry-- is it not right to say the word "balls" to someone who was molested by his male cousin? You should just send him a giftcard to Target.

DEAR APRON:

I could never figure out why "Margaret," my wife of 20 years, married me. After our wedding she tried to give me an image makeover. She'd buy me clothes I left hanging in the closet. She'd contradict and correct me in public. In general, she'd find fault with almost everything I did. She put me down often, and if I reacted, she would either claim it wasn't what she meant to say or tell me, "You do it, too." I finally gave up and left her.

Margaret has an excellent reputation, so people try to pry into why I left her. When I tell them I won't bad-mouth her, they tell me she says plenty about me. My response is, "Then you know all there is to know, don't you?"

Two women close to my age, plus one college-age girl, are trying to pursue me. I'm afraid if I don't leave this area, Margaret will allege that I left her for one of them.

Your thoughts, please. -- KEEPING MUM IN CLEVELAND

DEAR KEEPING MUM:

My thoughts? Why, I'm so glad you asked.

My thoughts right now are centering around a foursome, obviously. And, co-starring a smooth, nubile, chestnut-haired, firm-breasted college-age girl, combined with some sexually educated and assuredly voracious middle-aged women-- it would most likely be a foursome that would require some significant quantities of Saran Wrap, a deck of playing cards, two-and-half quarts of Nutella, and several feet of bungee cord.

Oh, and Margaret's a fucked cunt. Next?

DEAR APRON:

My husband and I have been together for two years, and he still doesn't know my mother's last name (it's different from my maiden name), nor does he know the names of all of my siblings. He doesn't think it's a big deal. What is your opinion?
-- NAME GAME IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR NAME GAME:

I'm sorry-- he doesn't remember the names of your mother and your siblings, or he doesn't know them?

If he doesn't remember them, then I think he needs a battery of psychiatric tests to rule out early-onset dementia.

If he doesn't know them, then you should tell him what their names are and stop concealing information from him, you fucked cunt.

Your name wouldn't happen to be "Margaret," would it?

DEAR APRON:

My husband, "Lance," is making a career change and has been offered a great opportunity. He is very excited about it. Because his experience in this new field is minimal, Lance asked for letters of recommendation from some professionals who are familiar with his work. He was hoping the letters would provide insight into his abilities that his resume lacks at this early stage.

The problem? All three of the letters he has received contain glaring mistakes. They are all from college professors and on letterhead stationery. While they do offer glowing recommendations, one letter omitted an important word in a sentence, another misused a common word, and the third refers to Lance as "Ms."

I told Lance the letters do not reflect negatively on him because he didn't write them. But he thinks they will give the impression he associates with sub-par representatives of the field. He refuses to ask for new letters because he doesn't want to offend the writers by pointing out the errors. Should Lance use these letters? -- STUMPED IN TALLAHASSEE

DEER STUMPT:

Im sorry tht Vince is havin suck a tuf time wit this rekomendashin shit.. i here hes a lazee fag, so u shud just be happe that thes pepl are wiling to lye abowt him and say hes a gud wrker and doesnt snif sharpies in the suplie closit.