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A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Reading This Blog May Be Hazardous to Your Health

You've heard by now, no doubt, because you're a cultured, sensitive, informed individual that the feds are rolling out some new images to augment the existing Surgeon General's warnings, that have been plastered on cigarette packs since 1964.

The images include, in no particular order:

* A freshly-autopsied corpse

* An individual smoking a cigarette through his tracheotomy

* A withered, nasty-looking, shriveled up old fucker

* A pair of diseased lungs

* An artistic rendering of someone shoving a cigarette into his arm, a la heroin (clever)

* An artistic rendering of a mother blowing cigarette smoke into her newborn's mouth

* An artistic rendering of a smoker on puppet strings (presumably worked by big tobacco)

* Some nasty teeth and other nasty shit

I'm not going to go through and talk about all of them, because there are thirty-six of them, for Christ's sake, but I think you get the idea by now. Of course, one would have thought that smokers would have gotten the idea by now, but, evidently not, because, according to the American Council for Drug Education, there's 47 million cigarette smokers in the USA, officially making us the stupidest country in the universe.

Now, before you accuse me of being judgmental: fuck you.

Okay, moving on...

I am very much in favor of these new warning pictures, but not, perhaps for the more traditional reasons one might come to expect from traditional people. Do I think these pictures are going to stop people from smoking? No. I support the U.S. Food & Drug Administration's campaign because, let's face it, we're in a recession, and the jobless rate in this country stands at an unsettling 9.6%, and this is a great opportunity for advertising specialists, graphic artists, and models who get paid to lie on metal tables pretending they've just been autopsied to make some serious bucks.

I mean, Uncle Sam's no skinflint, and I'm sure the people at work creating these new warnings are being handsomely compensated-- and as well they should be. I am a bit curious, though, about one thing-- apparently, there are 36 new warnings, but I read that only nine are going to be chosen.

I mean, however are they going to choose between this one:

and this one:

Seriously? That's a tough call in my book. The more conservative part of me likes Ad 1 because the gentleman depicted there is in a shirt and tie, nice, traditional, 1980s era eyeglasses-- clearly meant to be an accountant or a local-level politician. I particularly like that they chose to have him wearing a wedding band so you look at it going, "Oh, no-- his poor, middle-aged wife!" I would be tempted, though, to vote against this particular ad because it seems like he can't quite make up his mind about whether he's having a heart attack, or a stroke, or a brain aneurysm, or all three. And it's like, dude, make up your fucking mind, you know?

Ad #2... well... what can I say? If smoking cigarettes means I'm going to have facial hair like that, then forget it.

The other reason, though, that I am staunchly in support of this new advertising campaign is that I am convinced that there is a significant portion of the population in this country that is illiterate. So, if you can't read, then the text-based Surgeon General's warnings are not going to be very effective for you.

I mean, look at this:

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy

Are you serious? "Emphysema"? "Complicate"? "Surgeon"? Be fair-- how many people do ride the Greyhound with who can understand, let alone pronounce 0r spell those words? If we have any shot in hell at defeating the tobacco companies, we've got to appeal to the fastest-growing majority in this country: illiterate dumbshits. McDonalds caught on years ago, with their implementation of picture and number-based menus.

God, I love me my Number 7.

Oh, and, by the way-- you should know that continual reading of My Masonic Apron is indeed hazardous to your health and could contribute to any number of fatal and/or socially undesirable diseases, and has been shown in clinical studies to cause Autism. (And you thought it was pregnant mothers eating sushi-- stupid.) For those of you, though, who cannot read (of course you're here-- where else would you be?) here's brief pictorial representation of what happens to people who read My Masonic Apron on a regular basis:

Remember: you've been warned.

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