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Monday, November 29, 2010

Corduroy Pillows Make Headlines and Other Donkeyshit

For some reason, when I got home from work on Sunday, by HP Desktop was up on the computer.

It's as stupid as other default homepages-- like Comcast or Yahoo!News-- filling our brains with all manner of insipidity that makes us wish we were semiretarded farm animals, content to stand around in the mud and mire waiting to get struck by lightning.

I don't know why by HP Desktop was up-- I haven't used my Hotmail account in at least three years, and, when I want news, I usually just end up making it up myself. And, speaking of which, I thought it would be fun to take the 7 "headlines" up on the by HP Desktop and make up the stories that go with them, without actually reading the "real articles," because that's how I roll, 'cuz.

Remember: headlines real, content not. That is how the game is played.


Scientists have decided that the word "neurological" is precisely four syllables too many for the average human brain to comprehend, and so, at a conference held recently in the Poconos, the American Society of Neurologists voted unanimously to rid the American lexicon of the terms "neurological," "neurology," "neurovascular," and "neuropenis."

"We really feel that this is in the best interests of the average American, who simply cannot be expected to formulate, spell, pronounce, or even live in a world where terms like 'neurological' are present," said Dr. Adam Steinberg, a brain doctor from Madison, Wisconsin.

A local Gumby, standing in the middle of a street with a rolled up handkerchief on his head was interviewed about this latest linguistic development, and he said, "My brain hurts."


Marketing experts and brain doctors alike agree that setting your alarm clock one hour earlier than the next guy on Monday, November the 29th, will give you a super-competitive edge when it comes to online shopping on so-called "Cyber-Monday."

"We believe that these chances increase triple-fold if you decide to wake up three hours early and hit up and Overstock," said Yosef Paralympics of the marketing firm Lexington Steele, Ltd. Paralympics also advised bypassing the traditional "morning dump" in favor of snagging those limited-time bargains.


Meteorologists all over the United Kingdom are baffled by the recent snowfall that has hit England and environs recently, although they are unsure of whether this is the most snow since 1993, 1893, 1793... or you get the idea.

"We know those feet, in ancient times, walked upon England's mountains green, in 1808, so it wasn't then," said BBC Meteorologist Whaddwick Elesmere Boffington, "but, other than that, we're pretty well buggered."


1.) An email sent to you through Facebook claiming that Santa's not fat, he's really pregnant, and asking you to buy him a bunch of shit at "Babies R Us." You should know this is a scame because, like, what-- he couldn't just give the baby all the goddamn toys and cribs and shit in the universe, because he's Santa-- even with a vag?

2.) The chain letter begging for money because Rudolph has leprosy and his goddamn light-up nose fell off.

3.) Any FB friend request from someone named "Judas."

4.) An e-coupon from Best Buy offering flatscreen TVs on sale. Dude-- they're filled with heroin and they are programmed to only play old episodes of "Maude."

5.) Just kidding-- there are only five Christmas Cyber-Scams. That's, um, the other scam. Totally fuckin' with you, those cyber-scammers are.


1.) Some Star Trek piece of shit that got overlooked or whatever

2.) Herbie Goes to Nebulon-5

3.) Blackula

4.) Assault on Precinct 13

5.) That one Harry Potter movie that nobody liked. What was it-- the second one? That blew.

6.) Alien Autopsy (Unrated Director's Cut-- some hawt alien pudding in that jaun...)

7.) Howard's End

8.) 9 1/2 Weeks

9.) Ender's Game (if it's not a movie yet, it should be, and it should be overlooked, too)

10.) The episode of "American Dad" where Roger dresses like a chick.


"He died doing what he loved," said dead motorbike champ's former best friend, Raging Asshole. Dead Motorbike Champ's recently impregnated former fiance, Suicidal Sally, could not be reached for comment, because she was busy dying doing what she loved: sticking her head in a gas oven.


How 'bout some edible underwear, a vacuum cleaner, and a snake-finger punch in the throat-- chicks dig that shit! Happy Holidays from by HP Desktop!

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