Honorable Ink

Yesterday, I went to get bagels this morning for my wife and I, because that's what Jewish guys my age do, apparently. We dress in brown corduroy pants, sweater vests, tool around in our Volvos and get bagels.

When did this happen to me? I don't know.

Anyway, as the raven-haired tartlette behind the counter rang me up, I noticed that she had a tattoo on her wrist. It was a short, Hebrew word, which I couldn't make out, because, while I can read Hebrew, I can't translate it, and I certainly can't do it when it is on a non-stationary wrist and upsidedown.

In case you didn't know, tattooing oneself is a defiance of some of the stricter tenets of the Jewish religion, so why any Jew would think it would be a good idea to get a tattoo, of something Hebrew no less, is a little beyond me, and it's a little annoying, too.

According to Jewish beliefs, tattooing the body is tantamount to desecration, and a Jew who performs this act may not be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

But that chick I saw walking along Fashion Ave in NYC did it-- Hebrew all up and down her arm.

Maury Povich, at least according to "Cash Cab", has done it-- a star of David on his wrist or something.

My brother-in-law, who isn't even Jewish to begin with, did it. Hebrew up and down his rather improbable bicep.

My wife warned me that I would come off as a hypocritical curmudgeon if I wrote a post about Jews behaving badly, seeing as bacon is my favorite food group.

"Yes," I said, "I acknowledge the point, however, I don't eat bacon for the alleged purpose of honoring the Jewish religion. I think these people who tattoo Jewish shit on themselves think that they're paying some sort of homage to our faith, when really they're just sticking their index fingers in the butt of Judaism."

"Nice," she said.

I'm a tremendous hypocrite-- I know that. I own that. I don't mind. But the things that I do aren't done for any other reason other than that I like bacon and saying "Goddamnit." I don't operate under any delusions that I'm being somehow respectful when I do it. If you're so proud to be Jewish-- walk around with a fucking yarlmuka on or grow your hair out into one of those ridiculous looking Jewfros.

Don't forget, you silly dumbshits, that it was the Nazis who tattooed us. Or, should I say, "Never forget."