An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Monday, November 15, 2010

Here's a List, Because I'm Rushed:

Hi! If you were expecting something coherent, or substantive, or well-organized, or worth your time and energy, then I don't know what to tell you. You're an idiot. Why would you come here for that? Go watch "The View" or stick a shampoo bottle up your hiney-hole. Jesus. What am I-- 7-Eleven? Come on.

I've got about nine minutes for this here particular blogging adventure and, trust me, it's gonna be short, ugly, and tough to look at. And that, motherfuckers, is what. she. said.

Things that make me panic:

Being constipated

Having diarrhea

Having to spell "diarrhea"

Being late

Being early

Being on-time

Being spoken to.

Speaking in public.

Speaking to people one-on-one.

Speaking to people on the phone.

Making plans to socialize.

Canceling plans to socialize.


Checking out women.

Checking out library books.

Checking my windshield washer fluid.

Checking my bank balance.

Czeching the Republic.


Making dinner.

Making love.

Cleaning the house.

Cleaning the body.

Looking into my rearview mirror.

Being thought of mistakenly as a pervert.

Being thought of correctly as a pervert.


Looking for my favorite pair of socks and not finding them.

Being asked to accomplish tasks.

When people have faith in me.

When people have no faith in me.

Knowing that it's time to go to sleep.

Thinking about death.

Doing the laundry.

Um... there are things I'm forgetting, but I'm panicking because I have to leave the house in two minutes.

Oh-- right: forgetting things.

Got it.

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