An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Monday, November 22, 2010

In The News...

Because I'm the gayest straight man you know (that's going to be the title of my autobiography, when I stop blogging and start writing that for the two people in the universe who would be interested in reading it) I have been doing a G&S operetta from Thursday - Sunday, and am only now emerging from the flighty Victorian ether of fairy dust and pretty wit.

On Thursday and Friday, it was awake at 5:15am, work from 7am-3pm, then a 6:00pm call, 35 minutes of being caked with age make-up, and an 8:00pm curtain. Saturday was a matinee at 2:00pm, a brief reception for our esteemed conductor, who has completed the G&S canon, all 14 shows, with our company, and then another show at 8:00-- Sunday, 12:00pm call, final 2:00 matinee, strike, cast party, and now home.

I'm very happy to be home. I'm fucking exhausted. If this blog is even mildly coherent, it will be a miracle. If it's ever been mildly coherent, well, that would, too, be miraculous.

Anyway, I feel that, for the past week or so, I've been remarkably out-of-touch. My readers, apparently, agree, as this week has marked one of the only entire weeks in My Masonic Apron history where daily posts have gone without a single, solitary comment! As we queers say in ever G&S operetta ever writ, "Oh, horror!"

I go back and forth about how I feel about comments. On the one hand, it's lovely to hear from people out in the great yonder, it's fun to see your pithy, supportive, sexual, semantic, and vaguely threatening queries, quips, and quibbles quaint. On the other hand, I write because I like to write, whether you're writing back or not, whether you're even reading or not.

(And I know if you are-- unless you're one of those shifty Google Reader types. Damn you and your covert, untrackable ways...)

One of the funny things about being at work and then at a theatre for 87% of your day and evening is that you have absolutely no idea what is happening out in the real world, because you have no connection to a radio, or to a computer, and, if you're a good boy, your goddamn phone is shut off, too. I, as you well know, am a good boy and so I am totally bereft of news of goingsons and hubbubery both local, national, and international.

Since I've missed so much of the news, and since so much of the news isn't actually news, I decided I'd just make it up.

In Philadelphia...

It was decided this past week by Mayor Michael Nutter that Philadelphia is identified by such an amalgamation of unhealthy foods-- cheesesteaks, sugary water ice, carbalicious and sodium-engorged soft pretzels, Tastykakes. To combat this trend, Mayor Nutter announced that the new official food of Philadelphia is going to be... Rachael Ray's breasts.

"For their age, they look pretty bangin'," Nutter said at a press conference held outside City Hall, "they'll represent Philadelphia as a taut, round, firm place to do business, and, like commerce and tourism in Philly-- they're great when covered with a little E.V.O.O."

In National News...

The federal government has decided to alter the term "Unemployment Rate" to "Americans on Extended Unpaid Vacation Rate" in order to boost national morale. Instead of an extension in unemployment compensation, every out-of-work American is going to receive a complimentary plastic beach chair and a pair of Ray-Bans left over from 1980s FBI surplus.

In World News...

In recognition of Kim Jong Il's impending retirement, on Saturday, world leaders across the globe held the first ever International Wear a Jumpsuit and Expect to Be Taken Seriously Day. To protest the event, Kim Jong Il spent the day in a Borat-style green body thong.

And now, traffic.

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