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Saturday, November 27, 2010

Well, Carve the Turkey and Choke that Chicken: It's... DEAR APRON!

Bitches, all's I gots to say is: thank your lucky, motherfucky stars for...


I am a 38-year-old woman with an outgoing personality. However, when I first meet a man, I move slowly.

If I agree to a date, I meet him at a public place. After a few dates, I'll share my e-mail address so we can communicate more easily. And, Apron, that's when the trouble starts.

Over the past few years, several men have e-mailed me nude photos of themselves after I gave them my contact information. I'm not a prude, but I feel it was disrespectful. I broke up with each of them and deleted their photos from my computer.

Please lend me some advice and insight here. Until then, I'm considering remaining single forever. -- SEEN IT ALL IN SAN ANTONIO


I'm sorry-- I thought that, you know, since you said you wouldn't fuck me for seven-and-a-half months, that this was the next best thing. Besides, it was a great game.


With the holidays coming, I know I'll be spending time with my boyfriend's family. Every time I see his father (who is a poor excuse for a dad) he asks when I'm going to give him grandbabies.

This has gone on for five years. I am not even married to his son, and I don't plan on having any children. He makes me feel like I don't deserve his son if I don't have children. (My boyfriend already has a son from a previous relationship.) I have tried to answer him nicely. I have even tried to be rude, but he just doesn't get it!

I would like to know how to respond to him. I certainly do not want it to affect his family's Christmas, but I feel I should stick up for myself. Please help. -- WANTS NO BABIES IN NEW YORK


Well, if you've tried nicely and you've tried rude, then I'm kind of shit-out-of-luck, because there's not much in between there that I think will have any effect at all. Of course, there's always the outskirts of normative human behavior, which I am regularly exposed to at work at my friendly, neighborhood mental hospital.

Give this one a shot:

When you come over for Christmas, make sure you have a pronounced bulge under your frumpy-ass dress. Jubilantly tell your boyfriend's father that you are expecting twins, and make up some sort of horseshit about wanting to keep it a secret and whatnot. Everybody's going to be absolutely in heaven over the news. While everybody's assembling at the table, pick the seat at the complete opposite end of the table from your boyfriend's dad. Hopefully, he'll say Grace, and he'll inevitably throw in a special thank-you for the twins-to-be. When this happens, jump up from your seat and vault up onto the table. With one dramatic gesture, reach under your dress and pull out two life-size, naked baby dolls covered in a thick coating of vinegar, ketchup, applesauce, and fermented yogurt. Run down the length of the table at full speed, (being sure to crush any nice china and glassware under your feet) towards your boyfriend's dad and beat him mercilessly with the two mung-covered baby dolls until he is near comatose.

If that doesn't put an end to the questions, then you might want to consider getting pregnant.


I'm a stay-at-home mom with a 10-year-old daughter. We live in a complex that houses about 250 people.

I'm a naturally friendly person, but also very private. When the weather is warm, I love having my shades up and my windows open. My daughter enjoys the fresh air, so she's out in the yard often. Because of this, some of my neighbors -- possibly bored -- take it upon themselves to "pop in" for a visit when they see we're home. I don't invite them over, and I don't want company. This happens more than once a day with the same people.

I have tried making excuses ("I'm in the middle of something," "I'm cooking dinner," "I have company"), but it doesn't work. I have also said, "We're just getting ready to leave," but it soon becomes obvious that we weren't going anywhere. People have gotten mad and they now label me a "snob" -- among other things.

I don't want to spend my life in the house hiding with my daughter, but I also don't want to entertain people who come over uninvited. Apron, I am not a snob. I just love doing whatever I'm doing uninterrupted -- even if what I'm doing is nothing at all. Please help. -- NICE, PRIVATE LADY IN ILLINOIS


My heart aches for you-- having to make excuses for the express purpose of keeping unwanted people out of your home-- something I have mostly succeeded in doing for decades.

Honeyboo, you don't have to suffer through the indignities of making up lies or closing your blinds or hiding with your daughter (weird) or altering your life's schedule just because you don't feel like having uninvited people in your house. Haven't you ever heard of the 2nd Amendment? Get yourself a nice .38 and, the next time these dumb motherfuckers deign to come onto your property unannounced, well, just squeeze, pal.

Don't foget to say, "Happy Thanksgiving!" in between shots!

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