An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Please, Make Me Stop

I think I'm addicted to blogging.

And I know I'm addicted to coffee.

I don't like being an addict, and I suppose, having these two pesky little addictions, this is what I am.

Hi, I'm an addict and occasional asshole. Nice to meet you. Is there a 12-Step Program for me?

No, probably not.

I tried to give up coffee in graduate school, while I was taking (ha ha) an Intro to Addictions course in the psych department, because, as someone getting a MaEd, you are required to take one grad-level class outside of the education discipline. This class consisted of being lectured at by a very attractive professor, attending AA meetings in the community, and/or watching episodes of "Intervention."

Hi, welcome to my favorite grad school class. Nice to meet you. I am an addicthole.

Grad school was not the first or last time I tried to quit drinking coffee. I first tried in 2002, right after college. Fail. Then again, a couple years later. Fail. Then I tried to cut down to every other day. No. How about, just on the weekdays? Nuh-uh. Just on the weekends? Well... how about a couple packets of NO! Then, after a bout of heart-racing and several trips to the cardiologist's office (where every guy in their mid-twenties wants to be) I tried to do half decaff/half regular. Don't ask me why that didn't work-- probably because it was just too damn hard to always stock a bag of regular and a bag of decaffeinated grounds in the house, because, let's face it, that's way too hard for someone like me to do.

Plus, I didn't like saying, "half-caff" at Starbucks, because it made me sound like a retard who should be wearing a scarf, beret and an earring. I don't go like that. I'll say, "Please leave lots of room" but that's all I want to say to a barista. Anymore verbiage and I seriously start to hate myself.

Oh, and I also can't stop blogging. It's Friday as I write this now. The one for Saturday I pre-wrote an hour ago, and this one is auto-scheduled for 7:18am EST on Sunday, and I'm already thinking about what Monday's is going to be about and when I'm going to write it, since I have an orchestra rehearsal from 10am-1pm Saturday, then work from 3pm-11pm, and then work from 3pm-11pm again on Sunday. Sounds impossible, but there will be new content on Monday morning for you, just as sure is there will be coffee, sugared up and pissed off, surging through my veins and crashing against my temples when'er the sun doth rise.

God, I love being an addict.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Got something to say? Rock on with your badass apron!