If You Don't Vote Today....

....President Obama isn't going to like you anymore.

He pretty much told me so in a big, glossy oversized postcard he sent to my house on Saturday.

Because I want President Obama to like me (I don't have many black friends), I'm going to try my damndest to vote on Tuesday. Because I'm serious about him liking me, I'm voting Democratic. I'm also voting that way because I think they're the lesser of two bastards.

There's been a great effort to shame and guilt us Democrats, and people who vote that way because they want one more black friend in their corner ("Well, some of my best friends are black!") to shame and guilt us into voting, to try to make the mid-term elections as sexy as the real-deal was two years ago.

But we know that this isn't sexy. But we're going to vote anyway, because John Stewart told us to. And, when that Jewish man says "Jump," we ask, "With our clothes on?" Funny, when this Jewish man tells people to jump, they're never unclothed. And they just look at me funny.

I know a lot of you are reading this and are kind of on the fence about whether or not you're going to get out there and cock the vote or whatever they're calling it. Well, if I can sway you in the appropriate direction, I'm going to try, because I want you to know that...

...if you don't vote today:

* I'm not going to talk to you anymore. And if you think there's someone out there who's more, um, stimulating than your dear old Apron, well, you'd just better think again, Buster Brown.

* your mom's going to get herpes of the head, Zipper-Lips Syndrome (don't bother to Web MD it, it's real) and cloth tongue.

* everyone in New Hampshire will look at their license plates and will choose the latter.

* you will no longer get A&E-- so, say goodbye to "Intervention" and "Hoarders" and all that other good shit. Fuckin' forget about it-- no more for you, you democracy-hating shitdog.

* for every Democratic seat lost, an angel will get assraped with a frozen garden hose while being forced to eat her own wings.

* your teeth will be ripped out by a Ukranian dental student with acne and replaced with "After 8 Mints."

* your skin will fall off.

* sex will forever feel like taking a pre-Calculus examination.

* your friends will look at you and treat you as if you just bought a puppy from a pet store.

* the Starbucks barista with the cute B-cups and nose-ring will never flirt with you again.

* well, okay, she still will, but you'll now be forever cursed with the awareness that it's just to get tips.

* all ambient winds above two mph will smell like a mixture of semen, kale farts, and an Italian olympic swim team's ladies' locker room.

* you will no longer be welcomed here without a doctor's note and an autographed Fredericks of Hollywood catalog.

Jesus-- that shit is nasty. I can't believe that used to do it for me at 14.