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Friday, November 26, 2010

Remember the Jerky Boys?

Don't ask me what inspired me to write this post. It's just not worth it, because I wouldn't be able to tell you. At least, not without some unfortunate bit of extraneous food stuck in between two of my teeth.

You might find it difficult to stomach the fact that a pedant like me, with a Gilbert & Sullivan fetish big enough to give anyone with the last name D'Oyly Carte a hardon, (I'll excuse you while you go Google, um, that) is also a passionate fan of "The Jerky Boys," the moronic creation of Queens residents Johnny Brennan and his (apparently former) friend, Kamal, but, it's true.

I am.

Play "Tarbash, the Egyptian Magician" for me, or stroll down Memory Lane with me while listening to used car salesman Frank Rizzo expound on his salesmanship strategies to a potential employer, ("Look, you got this fucker, he don't know if he wants to buy-- this or that-- I push his face right in the fuckin' hood and I say, 'YOU BUY THIS FUCKIN' CAR, OR I'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD!' Look, bring in a tank, I'll sell the fuckin' thing!") and I'm pretty much just putty in your hands.

Don't you want me to be putty in your fuckin' hands, Rubberneck?

I'm old enough that I can remember listening to "The Jerky Boys" on a goddamned Walkman (TM) while in the backseat of my father's Pontiac Bonneville on family trips to the beach, sharing the headset with my sister, the two of us howling until our stomachs cramped up and tears streamed down our cheeks.

It wasn't high comedy. Christ, it wasn't even low comedy. It was prank calls. But, if prank calls are the game, then elevating the game to a near-operatic level was what the Jerky Boys did. Creating twenty fleshed out characters, including the legendary Jewish stereotype, Sol Rosenberg ["my glasses and my shoes fell off and they shoved pinecones up my ass!"], that has made a popularity resurgence as Mort Goldman on "Family Guy" is no small feat. Johnny Brennan and Kamal created some of the most hilarious moments in telephone history. It's a shame that their relationship ended badly, though. Kamal wanted out in 2000, and, evidently, Brennan believed that this also meant that Kamal wanted his creative contributions (from 1989-2000) to be totally expunged from the history of the duo-- the Jerky Boys' website makes absolutely no mention of Kamal or the hysterical characters he created. Which is a pity. But I wouldn't expect less from two immature schmoes who were responsible for creating double platinum records simply by picking up the phone.

When my cellphone rings, and the number is unfamiliar, I never pick it up, and maybe it's because I grew up on "The Jerky Boys."

Either way--- leave a goddamn message, Sizzle Chest.

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