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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A Very Pressing Question, Indeed

Here's a newsflash: "Yahoo News!" is stupid.

Usually, it's anything but news-- although it is where I first learned of Sonia Sotomayor's fractured tootsie, so maybe I'm being hasty in that assessment.

But probably not.

As a user (abuser is probably a better word) of Yahoo! Mail, I am subjected to countless ridiculous Yahoo News! headlines that appear on Yahoo's sign-in page and on the mail page. I can't avoid it. It's just there. Here's the one I'm staring at right now:

"NFL Legend's Son Decides."

Decides what? Whether or not football is for hopelessly closeted homosexuals? What color to paint his Mustang? Whether to buy the salisbury steak Hungry Man Dinner or the fried chicken?

Who gives a fuck about what this d-bag just decided? Doesn't Yahoo! News know that a fucking plane crashed off the coast of Brazil, that we're at war two times over and that Chrysler's getting totally bumfucked?

There is, however, one Yahoo! News article title that piqued my interest. Buried amidst other headlines about some satellite supposedly about to crash into the moon and something else about some other shit, a headline appeared that called out to me like a beacon in the night:

"What Should the Republican Party Do With Sarah Palin?"


Well, I think that this was probably meant as a rhetorical question (I wouldn't know, I didn't actually click on the headline to waste my time reading the article) but that's never stopped me before. When I read this question, answers immediately started popping into my well-weathered brain, so I thought I'd share them with you.

Golly gee willikurs, kids-- just what should the Republican Party do with Sarah Palin?

* Sell her at auction, like a slave.

* Give her to North Korea in exchange for those two reporters.

* Lock her in a small room with Ralph Nader and see if she comes out dead or pregnant.

* Give her a snorkel mask and a pair of flippers and tell her to go search for Air France 447's black boxes.

* Lock her in a small room with a pack of endangered, Alaskan wolves and give her a gun with no bullets.

* Gang bang her!

* Send her to the moon to go pick up the wreckage of that Japanese satellite.

* Give her a job typically held by washed up losers, like the co-host of ABC's "Wipe Out" or an adjunct professorship at a community college.

* Put electric fencing all around the property line of her home and make her wear a shock collar.

* Paint her yellow and use her as a speed-bump.

* Force her to co-star in an Adam Sandler movie. Or at least be forced to watch a marathon of them.

* Have her pop out of a big ol' cake at Obama's next birthday celebration.

* Give her to Dick Cheney to use for target practice.

* Assign her to be Nadya Suleman's babysitter.

* Surgically prevent her from ever winking again.

Okay! Those are my ideas, kidderoos-- now what are some of yours?


  1. Oh now this is where you lost me Mr. Apron.

  2. Oh, Lizzie-doo-- someone's party always gets pooped on!

    I'm sorry that, today, it was yours.

    Don't tell me you didn't even crack a smile...

  3. I could care less either way. She isn't my favorite person, but I have no ill will towards (sorry, I'm not full of sarcasm today).

  4. The feminist in me objects to the gang bang option, but the exclamation point makes it sound like less of a "rape-her-repeatedly-til-she-cries" moment and more of a "fun-weekend-on-a-yacht" kinda dealie. In short, I am conflicted.

  5. Olga-- that's exactly why I put the exclamation mark on there! Think of Palin giggling incessantly holding a martini on the S.S. Pro-Lifer, and Cheney and Gingrich smiling and laughing the day away as they dutch-door her on the high seas!

  6. That was like being handed a young, but very ugly puppy on a silver platter, and being told that you can do ANYTHING to it, with no chance of retribution.

    A very ugly puppy that perhaps likes to piss all over the floor...

    I'm sending you a gmail invite, also.

  7. Wait, you use a gmail address...

    *narrows eyes*


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