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Friday, June 5, 2009

An Oldie But A Goodie Returns

I've never had a request before, but one of my readers, Cecily, emailed me yesterday and asked me to re-run my Open Letter to Warren Buffett, that originally appeared on Pudd'nhead Nathan, my old and now thoroughly deceased blog.

See? Good things happen when you email me!

Dear Mr. Buffett,

Would you please shut the fuck up?

Seriously-- you're beginning to get on everybody's wick already.

You said some very annoying things about the economy on Monday, and everybody had a hissy. The funny thing is, you didn't make any startling reveals-- you didn't uncover any kind of hidden truths, you didn't say anything we didn't already know. It's just that, when you say something that everybody else has been saying for months and months, suddenly everybody runs around like a chicken on crystal meth, and the Dow tanks.

"The economy has fallen off a cliff," I think was your winning soundbite.

Well, no shit, saggy-cheeks. Thank you very much for waking up in the morning. Maybe you should fall off a cliff.

Here's the thing: you totally suck. You suck big donkeydonk. Shut the fuck up. You make everyone cry.

I don't even know who the hell you are, and even I'm scared about the next time you're going to open your mouth on MSNBC. Everytime I hear your name, I always get you confused with Jimmy Buffett, whom I also confuse with James Taylor. As far as I know, all three of you suck, but I think that you're probably the richest of the triumverate. Are you guys at all related? I get annoyed when any one of you opens his mouth.

Fucking parrothead.

I have an idea for you, Warren-- why don't you go take a vacation somewhere? You look tired. After all, you're probably one of the only Americans besides Oprah and maybe John McCain's wife who can still afford to take vacations these days-- so why don't you go have your boy schedule you for a few months in the Bahamas or St. Croix or wherever people like you go to get their rocks off. Somewhere where they don't broadcast everything you say on American television. How about somewhere where they don't even have television? Do such places still exist? If they do, I think you should go there, and have yourself a nice, relaxing shut the fuck up.

Warrbucks, (may I call you "Warrbucks?"), you have the rare distinction of being someone to whom people listen when they speak. Most of us spend lots of time yammering and yapping on and on about Christ-knows-what, but nobody listens to us, because we're banal and mundane and not billionaires mega investors. Your distinction as someone who people listen to is even more rare because you're in your late seventies. When was the last time someone actually listened to someone who was in their late seventies? Most people, Warrbucks, in their late seventies are shuttered away in a dusty, brown wingback chair in some corner and are covered in forgotten memories and old laundry piles. We ignore the aged, even though we profess to believe that they are wise and have sagely advice. So, really, just be thankful people are actually listening to you at all and that you're not some stroked-out, dithering, liver-spotted old crow making moist flatulence in a pair of Depends, having dribble wiped off your chin by some Jamaican certified nursing assistant named Quarta.

You're old, pal. You're fucking really old. Why don't you just go play golf and canasta like other fucking really old people? So you have billions of dollars. Great. Swollen-bellied children in Africa with flies in their eyes are waiting for you to shut the fuck up and start writing them checks.

That would be super-helpful, Daddy Warrbucks. People want to help in this world, right? Even old, annoying people like you who look like my grandfather, plus about twenty pounds (I guess that's the good life for ya, huh?) You should look for more ways to be helpful, Warren. You gave $30.7 billion dollars to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. That's a good start. Keep on it, pal. The amount of time you spend writing out checks should far exceed the amount of time you spend giving interviews.

I know you only want to be helpful, Warren and I'm sure, somewhere in that nettled, nested head of yours you thought that giving that interview would be helpful in some way. Well, I'm sure you see now that it wasn't. You didn't say anything on Tuesday, and look how the market up-ticked yesterday.

That, Warren, is a sign.


  1. Well said.
    And I hate to be a conspiracy theorist...
    But, it's probably a sign that Warrbucks made his 30.7 billion back on that uptick.

    Just sayin'

  2. I wish alzheimers would take a liking to Mr Warrbucks. Maybe then he can forget to wake up in the morning.

    Another great open letter, love these.

  3. Much obliged. Now how about the rest of your archives? They're too entertaining to be forever lost in my pathetic pockmarked memory.

  4. Cecily--

    Not to worry. All the archives are accessible.

    By me.

    Just name a request.

    Maybe we could do a "Re-Run Friday" from the old Pudd'nhead Nathan File Cabinet to satisfy your hunger, voracious and flattering as it is.

  5. I read this whole post thinking it was a letter to JIMMY Buffett.

    Needless to say, I was confused.

    I think it's time to go home.

  6. I was drinking my diet coke when I read the JIMMY buffet line. I burst out laughing and coughing all at once! Good Times!
    I cant remember the first blog I read here but you said something about someone hollering a racial comment out of a car you hollered back hey I am greek.. I loved that ..I have been hooked ever since!


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