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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Random Thoughts

Every blogger is entitled to a bullshit, no brainer, no thought, zonked out post.

This is mine.

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* I don't mind being Jewish, but I wish I looked a little less so. This may be akin to fat people saying, "I don't mind being fat, but I wish I was a little less so" or serial killers saying, "I don't mind being a serial killer, but I wish I was a little less so."

I don't know, it's just how I feel. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I get repulsed by how.... Jewy I look. It's like, could I just have the kinky, dark hair and the big conk and maybe lose the jungle eyebrows? Does it have to be all three? Or could we somehow get the tattoo of Israel removed from my forehead?

* I'm really hungry right now. It's 8:18 and I have to be at work by 9:00, but I'm blogging. See; the food's downstairs, and the blogging's upstairs. Do you appreciate the sacrifices I make for you loveydovies?

* David Carradine's family has bothered and pestered the FBI into opening a joint investigation with the Thai police about his "mysterious death." Apparently they weren't satisfied with the Thai police's official findings of "He jerkie in croset. Hangie hangie. He dead."

* It sucks that I'm at an age right now where I am blessed with both wrinkles and pimples. Like the big Jewish conk isn't bad enough.

* Our front lawn is comprised entirely of two plants: pachysandra and poison ivy. If I look at our front lawn long enough, I get depressed. I also hope dogs can't get poison ivy, because Finley pisses in there at 10:30pm every night and the vegetation is up to his haunches.

* Oh, shit-- I still have to take the dog out. Good thing I mentioned the poison ivy-- that totally reminded me.

* I can't believe I lived inside the Philadelphia city limits for almost four years and never got shot, stabbed, mugged, raped or seriously victimized in some way. I must not have gone outside our apartment a lot.

* I should be doing work for my online course right now. It seems that whenever I'm blogging, I should be doing something else. Maybe this means I should just be a blogger. Will you pay me for this, please?

* The erect penis looks hilarious. I don't know how women take us seriously with that shit.

* I'm glad Pennsylvania doesn't make you put two license plates on your car. It seems excessive, and it allows Pennsylvania drivers to exercise a little creativity by getting custom made front license plates that say "JESUS" and "OLD FART." We're so lucky.

* Have you ever watched kids play on a playground? Yeah? Fucking pervert.

* Every time I get really depressed about life, the thought that one day someone will mistakenly harpoon Rosie O'Donnell cheers me up.

* Getting back to Carradine for a minute, I find it amazing that there are people out there who go to rather extreme measures to "heighten the pleasurable sensation" of the orgasm. I don't get it. Orgasms are pretty much where it's at, pleasure-wise. I mean, I haven't had a lousy one yet.

* Statler & Waldorf are my favorite muppet characters, and I don't need any fucking Facebook quiz to tell me that.

* I know I'm supposed to be against people who misuse the words "retarded" and "gay." But, I'm not.

* You know what's really gay? Retards.

15 comments:

  1. hehehehehehhe. not a very enlightening comment. such is life

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  2. Dogs don't get poison ivy but they can however carry the toxin on their fur and transfer it to you and your retarded Jew conk. No joke.

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  3. Was 'mistakenly harpoon' euphemistic...?

    I'm a Jew too, but fortunately I only got the almost-monobrow, and fairly dark skin colouring. Nose and hair are rather non-Jew, for which I am grateful!

    If you haven't had a lousy orgasm you're not trying hard enough!

    Will send you an email later re: you know what, wink wink.

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  4. I am not a Jew but still ended up with the large monobrow. How is that fair? :)

    I think you and I are in the same age category. I've avoided wrinkles for now, but only thanks to my parents having extremely oily skin and my inheriting it. Wrinkles just don't form in that cess pool. I do have the pimples and am sprouting a copious amount of white hair. I need one of those Old Fart plates...

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  5. I shall add to your list - why does eyelid skin not get sunburned? Everywhere else will, but not there.

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  6. Ummm, do women take us seriously?

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  7. John -- Good point. If they don't take us seriously, they at least have sex with us.

    Well, sometimes.

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  8. Is that what Carradine was doing in there?

    I need to start watching the news more.

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  9. Awesome post.

    Oh, and coNk = nose? What a difference a letter makes....

    This comment was brought to you by insomnia induced delirium and the letter N.

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  10. I laughed a lil too hard.....and since I'm a lil prenant almost peed the chair. Thanks. ;)

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  11. I really think I need to see this nose now, after all the propaganda...

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  12. I'll second that.

    A real conk shot.

    I said 'conk'.

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  13. Kali & John-- your perverted wish is GRANTED!

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  14. Didn't you know? Women don't take y'all seriously. Silly boy.

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