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"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Am I An Angry Blogger?

Sebastian, one of my precious few male readers, asked me that question in an email today.

"Are you an angry blogger?"

And I looked at those words, at that interrogative statement and I thought, "Hmpf. Am I?"

In the end, I suppose, the question really isn't for me to answer-- it's for you to answer. I certainly don't sit down at the computer and say, "Okay, Apronbitch, let's let some anger fly!" The only thing I try to be is engaging-- interesting enough to compete with a sea of online media content-- iTunes, YouTube, Hulu, porn, and let's not even talk about the scads of other blogs out there that you could be reading instead of mine. I mean, Jesus-- why would you bother?

I don't know why, but you do, and I'm very happy that you do. See? I'm a happy blogger.

It's easy, I suppose, to see why some people might think of me as "an angry blogger." First of all, I swear a lot-- and that can definitely come off as angry, mean or hostile. Because I use profanity frequently, I view it as just another component of my vernacular-- no different than my tendency to overuse the word "ameliorate" or my unfortunate propensity to utilize run-on sentences that drives my wife crazy because I oftentimes write like I talk and there just isn't always a decent place to put a comma or a semi-colon and I'm not even sure I know how to use a semi-colon correctly anyway.

The Open Letters and the Dear Apron posts appear angry, sure-- but, really, I'm just trying to explore an alternate viewpoint-- especially in the Dear Apron columns. Dear Abby is so patently ridiculous, so prim, so uptight that my eyelids hurt when I read her advice to people. Some bloggers like to make the claim that they're unique for "telling it like it is." To me, that's bullshit for "I speak from my own point-of-view, which may be different from yours, or it may be the same."

Certainly there are times when this blog is angry, and it's usually when I'm angry about something. But please don't label me an "angry blogger." As the yellowed, torn poster from the 1970s that hangs up outside my office implores, "Label jars, not people."

Then again-- maybe I deserve the label. Maybe I am an angry blogger-- whatever that is. I mean, if you say so....

I really do thank Sebastian, though, for asking me that question. Sometimes you've got to ask people tough questions-- it's good for them, and it's good for you, too. All through middle and high school, I was obsessed with dating a certain girl. I talked about her all the time and obsessed over her the way I do about most things. Finally, I went out to dinner with another friend of mine, and she and I were talking about this girl I wanted to date/bang. Well, we weren't actually talking about her-- I was talking about her and she was humoring me. Finally, after I had completed Monologue #863 about this girl, my friend put down her fork and knife on her plate, wiped a crumb off her chin and she looked at me and said,

"What is it about her that you like?"

And I immediately rattled off a list of attributes about this girl that I found desirous and that deemed her worthy of suffering the entry of my penis on a regular basis. Only trouble was, all of those attributes were physical.

"Okay," she said, "she's pretty. But what is it about her personality that you find attractive?"

I thought about that. Nobody had ever asked me that before. I had just assumed that I wanted the whole package, I had never even given any thought to what it was, intrinsically about this girl that attracted me so. I was silent, looking at my partially-consumed steak. I was, at first, panic-stricken, and then I sort of internally sunk with the realization that the answer was, really, nothing.

"I... I guess.... not much, really..... I mean-- I.... nothing."

"Good," my friend said, taking a swig of water from her glass, "now you can finally shut the fuck up about that at least."

I've always been grateful to this friend for calling me out on this particular point-- and she did it with grace and intelligence-- all she did was ask a simple question. Sometimes that's all you need to do to people to get them to stop and think for a moment.

So, thanks, Mr. Seb. In answer to your question: "Are you an angry blogger?" I guess I'd just have to say, "I don't know."

But at least you've got me thinking about something.


  1. I think it is interesting that when someone has a strong opinion on something, they can be pigeonholed. I don't believe I have ever thought of you as an angry blogger. Sure you spout off about a lot of things and really speak your mind, but not every post is like that.

    I don't know either.

  2. You've never thought of him as angry? Seriously? Energetic then? Frothing-at-the-mouth? Bouncing-up-and-down-like-a-child-reaching-for-the-politically-incorrect cookie jar?

    It's certainly engaging though, if nothing else (but you're intelligent in places too!) I tend to read through your furiously tapped-out entries faster than any other blog I read, and that's saying something.

  3. Never angry. Passionate.

    Definitely passionate. This is also one of those blogs that I tend to go to first.

  4. Wait, I'm confused. I thought you were Jewish. ;)


    I've never thought of you as angry. Passionate, yes. Wound tight, absolutely. High strung? Yes, like a fiddle. But not angry.

    The profanity I see as punctuation. I cuss like a sailor whether I'm happy or sad. If I say "holy fucking shit", it could be a really good thing or a really bad thing. Or maybe just a really surprising thing. But it's *really* something, and that's why I swear. To make my point, to express my emphasis.

    In fact, I know it's passion and not anger. Because passion turns me on and anger doesn't, and based on the reaction your posts provoke, you're not angry.... ;)

  5. Um, or maybe you are and I should go therapy twice a week instead of just Tuesday morning. Let me know, mkay? :)

  6. I'd say the tone of most of your posts is definitely negative and pessimistic, if not outright angry.

    I sometimes find myself wondering if you're a total ray of sunshine in real life and just save up the worst of your ire to share with your blog readers.

    You definitely don't suffer those you consider to be fools gladly.

    That said, you blog about some really interesting stuff and some of your posts have me chuckling away at my desk.

  7. Goddamnit man! Do you really care what WE think?
    Do NOT let me down on this one ;)

  8. Haha!
    verification was 'pasion'.

  9. So, uh, I'm new here. Bounced over from So I don't know if there's any anger here. But I hope there is. Good anger is entertaining.

  10. Hey...anger is interesting. How many "happy" interesting people do you know?

    The answer is: zero.

    Keep on hatin' man. Your readers depend on it.

  11. I agree with John--do you really care what we think? Well, if you do, here's another opinion: don't change.


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