Hold Onto Your Boobies: It's DEAR APRON Time!

For those of you who are still confused about how this works, I take a Dear Abby column and I fuck it up the backside by providing my own sugar-free responses to the questions that hapless, dunderheaded open themselves up to public humiliation by asking.

Fun? Fun.

DEAR APRON:

My 14-year-old son, "Adam," has known he was adopted since he was old enough to understand. Adam's birth parents both were addicted to drugs, alcohol and tobacco. In fact, Adam tested positive for cocaine at birth.

Should I tell him that he is at risk for addiction because of his biological heritage? I want him to be aware, yet I don't want to bad-mouth his birth parents or in any way lead him to think that this is his destiny. I know he associates with kids who may be involved in these things. -- CONCERNED MOM IN ATLANTA

DEAR MOMMYKINS:

This is why intelligent people only adopt Asian children. Most unwanted kids in developed, Western countries are unwanted for very unsettling reasons. Now you know, for next time, it's China time! Your home will be filled with the comforting sounds of the viola and the soothing, regular "blip!" of the calculator wristwatch. It'll be grand, I tell you. Grand.

Now, about this cokehead Adam-- I wouldn't be too "concerned" about what's going to happen to him in the future-- chances are he's already snorting angel dust off the paper towel dispenser in the school bathroom. Kids these days-- gotta love 'em, you know? If you were really a "concerned mom" than you wouldn't have adopted the spawn of two druggies. You would have adopted a kid from China. But, like I said, next time.

Here's my suggestion for you: progressive-thinking parents these days are all about embracing their kids' addictions and allowing them to fuck up in a controlled, supportive environment, so why don't you try that? Do some serious coke with Adam. In the living room. Share some with the bassett hound. Invite the fucking mailman over. As you've said, it's basically written in the stars that, by 35, he's going to be living in a rain-stained box on the side of the road with two crimson-hued, crusty tampons shoved up his nostrils, so why fight it?

DEAR APRON:

I am one of your male readers. A year and a half ago, my brother was killed in an automobile accident by a drunk driver. We are a very close family, and everyone was devastated. My sister-in-law, "Grace," and I were always close, and we have become closer lately. Now we're discussing the possibility of a relationship.

Grace has three grown sons, and I realize there could be issues or concerns with the boys and our families, but we feel they would want us to be happy.
Is this something that is acceptable, and does it happen often? We have never discussed the fact that I am not my brother and cannot -- and never would try to -- replace him. I couldn't. He was a great man. -- LOOKING FOR INSIGHT IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR LOOKING FOR YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW'S PUSSY IN THE MIDWEST:

Oh my God-- I have male readers?!

Listen, Ted, everybody knows you were the "drunk driver" who killed your brother, just so you could get with Grace. I have to say, while I was initially disgusted by your deplorable and murderous actions, I couldn't help but think how ambitious and clever it was of you to bump off your brother in that way. Most people would have done it in some cowardly way like poison or a cougar attack, but you actually put your own safety and welfare at risk. I mean, hey-- that's dedication. And you fucking totaled your Buick, too. Can't replace that anymore!

Ted, Grace's grown sons will obviously have some serious problems with you dick-dipping their mom, because she's your sister-in-law, for Christ's sake, and you killed their dad-- but they'll come around eventually. I'm sure you'll see to that. Hey-- maybe you can seduce them too while you're at it. That seems to be your forte, you lothario, you. And, if that doesn't happen fast enough for you, hey, accidents happen, right, Ted?

DEAR APRON:

When I take a break at work I like to read, but I am often interrupted by co-workers. Even though they see me reading, they insist on starting a conversation. I don't mean to be rude, but it is relaxing for me to "escape" for a few minutes, and I feel robbed when I can't enjoy my latest book. It is too far to go to my car, and we are not supposed to leave the area anyway.

What can I do or say without being considered unkind? -- ANITA IN CINCINNATI

DEAR ANITA:

Honey, let's get real with each other, okay? You don't give a shit about being "unkind." You're a hair-pulled-back, black-glasses-wearing, thin-lipped, disapproving-glare-wearing little bitch, aren't you? I can see you, very accurately, and while I would be at least passingly interested in watching you shower, you ain't shit, okay? You're a mean little turdlette, so let's get mean.

Here's a list of things that you can try out on your annoying coworkers who just won't let you finish your latest Neil Gaiman masterpiece:

1.) Inform the offender that if they talk to you again you will put a hit out on their mother.

2.) Look up from your book and announce, "I have AIDS."

3.) Throw scalding hot coffee in the face of anyone who comes within four feet of you.

4.) If someone initiates a conversation with you during reading time, immediately shit yourself.

5.) Jump up and down, start shrieking in an extremely loud, high-pitched voice, "KILLER SQUID! KILLER SQUID!" and then repeatedly lick the face of the offending coworker.

6.) Start cutting.

7.) Threaten to report your talkative colleague to the House Un-American Activities Committee.

8.) Start bawling like a teething two-year-old until the asshole walks away.

9.) Commence vigorously eating the book.

Or, 10.), you could always just get the fuck over yourself and realize that you're a goddamn grown-up in the real world and not in school during a fucking Silent Sustained Reading period.

Bitch.