The White Birds Did It

No doubt you've heard by now about the 5,000-or-so dead black birds who died, inexplicably, on New Years Eve.

Inexplicably, my ass. The fucking white birds did it.

Whenever there is violence perpetrated against whites, everybody is super-quick to point the finger at blacks. In fact, I wrote a post about this a long time ago called "The Black Guy Did It." I'd hyperlink to it, but, you know...

Anyway, are our memories so short and faint? Do we not remember the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s, when Southern blacks faced violence in untold numbers at the hands of angry whites, railing against integration and Rosa Parks and James May and the right to vote? Doesn't anybody remember that?

And now, in Arkansas, we have thousands of dead birds-- dead black birds-- and is anybody pointing an accusatory wing or beak at the fucking white birds?

No.

The news media is too cowardly. They're afraid. Christ-- I'll bet the head of AOL-Time Warner owns a few murderous doves himself. I'll bet that the owner of Knight-Ridder is having an affair with an albatross. No doubt there's some fucking seagull feathers in the pockets of Ann Curry and Dianne Sawyer.

Disgusting. That's all I have to say.

We're talking about mass murder, here, people. Thousands and thousands of deceased black birds, birds of color, and where is the public outcry? Where is Jesse Jackson? Where is Al Sharpton? Had these birds all been taken out by white police sharpshooters, well, you can bet there'd be rallies up the ying-yang. But no. Because this crime was perpetrated by an anonymous squadron of white supremacist birds, who answer to no calling and no master other than the power that justifies the wanton slaying of black birds, there are no speeches, no righteous indignation, no shouts from the pulpit.

Doesn't anybody find it somewhat unsettling that not a single white bird was felled in this 2011 inaugural massacre? Isn't it just a little too... convenient? A little too... curious?

Not everything is racial, I know-- but one thing is clear: this is.

And I would never be one to preach violence under normal circumstances, in normal times, but let me tell you brothers and sisters something-- these are not normal circumstances, and nor are they normal times. WE ARE IN THE MIDST OF RACIST AVIAN OPPRESSION AND IT IS TIME TO BEAR ARMS IN DEFENSE OF OUR NATION'S PRECIOUS BLACK BIRDS.

That's right. You heard it here on My Masonic Apron. A call to take up arms. If you, in your travels, come up on a so-called "peaceful" dove-- don't be afraid to shoot it right in the face.

Yeah, that's right. REVENGE!

Snow-owl? Right between the eyes.

White swan? Choke the racist life out of that gimpy little neck.

White-tailed Tropic Bird? You know what to do. You. Know.

REVENGE, YOU WHITE-POWER BIRD ASSASSAINS!

And some day, some fine day, maybe the black birds of Beebe, Arkansas will fly, free from fear from their villainous oppressors, and, together, we will vanquish the white power birds. Together.

Amen.