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Thursday, January 20, 2011

If Your Birthday's May 22nd, Celebrate Early

Remember all that horseshit about the world ending in 2012?

Remember that terrible movie?

Well, forget about it.

May 21st is the new D-Day. At least, that's what they say.

Well, that's what he says.

According to radio evangelist Harold Camping, May 21st, 2011 is when the world is going to end. Of course, from the looks of him, that may very well be the end of his world, not ours. I'm not even sure he'll make it that long. I do kind of dig his sideburns, though.

Camping asserts that, on May 21st, 2011, "this world will be a horror story beyond anything we can imagine." I don't know if Harold Camping has been unable to open his eyes for the last 89 years of his life, or if he just had them closed for that photograph, but isn't that kind of where we've been for a long time?

Fella: this world IS a horror story beyond anything we can imagine, and it has been since "The Carol Burnett Show" went off the air.

I suppose the world is going to end some day. I don't necessarily believe it's going to be a religious event, but, if it is and Jesus comes back here, he's going to be disappointed.

"What? You couldn't even be bothered to clean up your fucking room?"

My room is not clean, and it will not be so on May 21st, I can promise you that-- spring cleaning be damned. Not only will my room will not be clean; it will not be clean enough for Jesus. Can your room ever be clean enough for Jesus? Christ-- my bedroom is a goddamned mess. You should see the top of my bureau. There are, like, four old wristwatches on there and a bunch of papers and gloves and shit. And a big book about Sondheim. Jesus is going to look at all that shit and he's going to think I'm some kind of hoarding homosexual with four arms.

And he's going to vaporize my sorry, bony ass.

Not because I'm Jewish-- but because I'm a fucking, holy-rollin' mess.


  1. the problem with predictions like this is two-fold.
    (1). the people who say this stuff and get it wrong are forever crack-pots...although I think that Pat Robertson asshole has said it like 20 times people still send him money. and/or
    (2) the one bat shit crazy guy who does, randomly, get the date right is going to be crowned some great and powerful sage or prophet...just for guessing the correct date and will likely haplessly lead his followers off of a cliff or into a shit show that would make David Koresh blush. Which I will be fine with.

    Now you, Mr. Apron, I would listen to you if you knew when the end of the world was coming...sideburns or not.

  2. This is the man who is saying when the world will end? This pistachio-eyed, Bible-clutching, Jesus-fingering asshat? If this man told me that the sky is blue and I need water to live, I think I would object on principle alone.

  3. I am struggling to expunge the mental image the phrase "Jesus-fingering" conjures up in my brain.


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