Well, Lil' Bow-Wow and Hu Jintao, It's... DEAR APRON!

Sure, on Sunday you could be singing the praises of the Christian Lord or eating some donkass shit at Old Country Buffet and pretending it's food, or you could be trimming your hedges or your pubes or your expense accounts, or, you could be in a tank-top, licking your lips seductively, stretching out over a goose-down comforter, whilst purring like a kitten, your breasts heaving everso slightly as you enjoy another slick, succulent and let's not forget moist edition of...

DEAR APRON:

My adult son passed away nine months ago. I am mostly numb. My home has always been welcoming, and I have had friends and family here constantly -- but now they won't leave! They don't seem to "get" the fact that I need some time to be alone.

I love these people, but my heart is broken. The only person I want to see and spend time with is my surviving son. I have lost my enthusiasm for almost everything. I work full time and no longer want to be the "hostess." I am tired. My sons and I were close, and I raised them by myself.

How do I tell my friends and family members that I need to be alone without offending them? I want to do the right thing. -- HEARTBROKEN IN CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS

DEAR HEARTBROKEN:

I don't get it. These friends and family members of yours are living in your house? What do they think they've got-- Squatters' Rights? Man, you need to call Sheriff John Brown and have these motherfuckers evicted! And tased!

This is outrageous-- first they kill your son and then they try to move into his bedroom, break his model airplanes and eat his Cheetos and shit? God-- that. is. fucked. UP!

DEAR APRON:

My 12-year-old daughter, "Sophia," repeatedly shirks her basic responsibilities. She routinely receives detention for not completing homework assignments and for failing to bring required materials to class. Despite my concern, Sophia continues with her usual shortcomings. This is causing a great deal of stress between us, and our relationship is now very poor. Should I keep pushing her or should I just allow her to fail? -- DISAPPOINTED MOM IN LOUISIANA

DEAR DISAPPOINTED MOM:

"Should I keep pushing her or should I just allow her to fail?"

Well, kudos for you for asking a question most people are far too intelligent to ask. Standards really must be different in Louisiana. And I think that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Certainly I think you ought to explore failure for your daughter. It seems to be what she is most interested in/geared towards, and I think that's generally where her aptitude lies. Something people who don't live in Louisiana often forget is that you can actually be a success, at failure! I say, encourage your daughter to embrace failure-- that way, you won't be perceived as one of those annoying, pushy, aggressive helicopter parents, like the kind we have up North.

Of course, if she fails at failure, there's always Hitler Youth. If you sell enough cookies, you get patches and moustaches and shit.

DEAR APRON:

My husband and I have been arguing about his leaving the lights on throughout our house. He's convinced that it adds little to our electric bill, but it bothers me that every single light is left burning. I realize there is a cost difference between incandescent and fluorescent lighting, but leaving all the lights on seems unnecessary and wasteful to me. Could you please "shed some light" on our argument? -- LIT UP IN JOHNSON CITY, TENN.

DEAR LIT UP:

OH! OHHH!!!! I get it! "Shed some light" because it's a LETTER about LIGHTS written by an ASSHOLE! HAHAHAHAA! That's FUNNY!

Good one, asshole.

DEAR APRON:

I am a fairly conservative young woman, and also somewhat shy. I have been dating a young man who comes from a much more casual culture than I do. This has its benefits -- he laughs often and deeply, and easily connects with people. But it also has its downside.

"Mac" has a terrible habit of talking publicly about what we do in the bedroom. He means it in a teasing way, and he's never insulting. He can't understand why it upsets me, although he is always remorseful when he realizes I'm angry. He worries that I'm ashamed of him and what we do, but I'm not. I just don't want it to be a topic of public discussion, especially with people from my church. I find it embarrassing to have my love life made public.

Mac is never mean-spirited, only vulgar, which to him is acceptable. I love him. He's a strong, kind and generous man. But I do not feel respected. The truth is, he just doesn't know how to treat me with respect. What can I do? -- WOMAN OF CHARACTER

DEAR WOMAN OF CHARACTER WHO OBVIOUSLY SQUIRTS AND WEARS A VINYL FACEMASK AND A STRAP-ON UNICORN HORN ATTACHED TO HER MONS PUBIS:

Mac told me all about you in a different letter, and he included pictures. I jerked off on them.

Is that wrong?