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Sunday, January 9, 2011

Bring Out Your Dead

My wife and I like to complain that we "didn't get the memo."

Like the time we went vacationing in this supposed winter wonderland in the completely wrong season. Or like when we go to stores that, by all rights and signage, ought to be opened and are, in fact, quite closed, with no further or apparent explanation. Or like when everybody seems to be doing one thing, and we seem to be accidentally doing another. This happens to us a lot. I'd say that not only are we not getting the memos, but maybe somebody is deliberately hiding said memos from us, but then you might start to think I'm paranoid or something crazy like that.

By the way, stop Googling me and putting pigeon shit in my Brita.

Anyway, as I was walking one of my dogs early yesterday evening, I noticed something quite odd happening on my charming little block-long street, and I was confused for a bit, and then it hit me.

The Christians must have gotten a memo.

The memo, I believe, must have said something like:


To All Christians,

Today, Saturday, January the 8th, is the day ordained for lawful curbside disposal of any and all trees relating/pertaining to the Christian holiday known as 'Christmas' or, colloquially, as 'X-mas.'

You are hereby and forthwith directed to commence today, at your earliest convenience, the act of Swiffering/vacuuming pine needles from your living room floor and depositing all Christmas trees outside of your house.

If you are widowed, elderly, obese, or otherwise infirmed, please utilize the traditionally Jewish tactic known as 'guilt' to convince your offspring and/or more physically fit relatives/friends to assist you in the endeavor of removing your Christmas tree from your home.

Depending upon the size and girth of your tree, said act should be accomplished with relative ease utilizing two able-bodied Christian persons and one bedsheet, one able-bodied Christian person on either end of the bed sheet, with the tree in the middle, like a dead body. The body of Christ, if you will.

If your tree is not removed to the curb by sundown (4:52pm, EST) you will be obliged to tithe an extra 10% for each of the ensuing Sundays, with a 2% increase per week, until such time as your tree is removed from your home. There will be inspections.

For those Christians in more rural portions of the country who may be in possession of a wood-chipper, please feel free to eviscerate the holy bejesus out your Christmas tree to your heart's content on this date.

The Christians United Memorandum (it's an accident that this spells "C.U.M.") Corp, LLC."

Seriously, though. I actually watched as my neighbor and her daughter carried out their Christmas tree inside a blanket. They looked like two WWI-era ambulance corpsmen, carrying a wounded comrade across the frozen fields of France. Our street was littered with tree carcasses yesterday.

It was kind of sad, in a way. The finality of it. There they were, lying on the ground like freshly slain victims, left there to rot. No longer the center of attention in the living room. No longer adorned with sentimentality and glow. No more star or angel. Reduced to what they were before: just ordinary fucking trees, now more of a burden than anything-- a lift-with-your-knees problem. A disposal and waste management headache.

Goodbye, Christmas. I trust you'll be back next year. For the Christians, of course-- but for us curious, semitic onlookers, too.

I was at least relieved that, finally, a memo went out that we weren't supposed to get.

1 comment:

  1. My mother got the memo way to fucking early - her tree was punted out the door by the third of January.

    Cruel and unnecessary, with regards our christmas tree, but then, it was always a misshapen and ugly lump...


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