Well, Honk My Pubes and Shave My Boobs, It's... DEAR APRON!

Ever feel like you need to take a shower after reading my blog?

Ever feel like, I don't know, taking one... with me....?

Oh, yeah... soap up my bony kneecaps. You know you like that shit.

Know how I know you like that shit?

'Cuz you're a supa-freak. And 'cuz you like...

DEAR APRON:

A former student asked me to write a character reference to help her land a teaching job abroad. I agreed, since I thought highly of her potential as a teacher and scholar, and her level of character. However, after she was placed in the classroom, the ministry of education of the nation where she was to teach discovered some inappropriate posting on her social networking site.

Because I had written the recommendation, they contacted me asking if they had a problem and provided me with copies of what they had found. Her posting detailed a history of forging fake IDs to buy alcohol while underage, numerous episodes of binge drinking in high school and college, her marijuana use and several exhibitionistic stunts and sexual activities that I won't mention. I was shocked. None of this matched the person I thought I knew.

This situation has so shaken my trust in the character and judgment of the 20-something crowd that I'm now reluctant to write recommendations for any of my students. What do you think I should have done? I'm concerned that too many of these young people, however intelligent, lack integrity, character, judgment and common sense. -- HEARTBROKEN TEACHER, OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR HEARTBROKEN TEACHER:

"Several exhibitionistic stunts and sexual activities that I won't mention"???

????????

Oh, come on, Teach! Stop being such a fucking dick-tease! I want at least ten photos and two streaming vids or I'm just not going to treat your letter seriously at all.

Here's the thing: 20-somethings don't have integrity, character, and/or common sense. These traits were breeded out several decades ago when 20-somethings started thinking loud Glen Check patterns and polyester suits were cool. Straight up: if you want to know if the dumbass you're writing a recommendation for is a cumwhore or a Johnny Tokesalot, Google them or friend them on Facebook. If you write something extolling their virtues before doing that, then you're a pale-assed idiot who deserves whatever you get.

By the way, don't Google me or recommend me for anything other than a hog-tied spanking with an apple in my mouth.

DEAR APRON:

My wife went on a diet a year ago and lost a tremendous amount of weight. The problem now is she won't quit. Every time I suggest she stop and put a few pounds back on, she gets angry and won't speak to me.

My wife isn't anorexic, but I have a feeling she may be headed in that direction. She has no health concerns that either of us is aware of, and when I say anything she just says, "You wanted me thin, so now I'm thin!"

Please tell me what I should do before her dieting gets out of control and becomes a serious threat to her health. -- DISTRAUGHT HUSBAND OF A VERY THIN WIFE

DEAR DISTRAUGHT HUSBAND OF A VERY THIN WIFE:

I've got to say, that's one of the cleverer, if bulkier, pseudonyms I've come across in a while. Kudos to you. It's much more awesome than "Carbon-Based Form of Life Sitting at a Computer Who Writes a Letter for Advice Because He is Too Incompetent to Face His Problems By Himself."

Or "Claude."

So here's what I suggest, Claude: start having an affair with a really fat chick. I'm talking about one whose paunch you need to prop up with like a crutch or a tree limb or something just so you can like get it in there, n'yah mean? Some really skeezmatic shit there, yo. Then, your wife will be all like, "Damn-- he must really like some fat-assed shit," and she will gain more weight and will forgive your infidelity and it will be all cool.

Just make sure you wear a condom when you're doing this fat chick, because they carry all kinds of diseases. Especially in their butts.

DEAR APRON:

My husband's sister, "Irma," has hurt us with her words and actions many times. When the drama is over, she will suddenly send an e-mail saying she "misses" my husband and me. I do not want to seem like an unforgiving person, but I'm tired of this repeated behavior. My husband and I feel we're better off not socializing with her and my bother-in-law, but if I respond to her e-mail, it just opens the door for yet another incident. How can we clear the air but not leave ourselves open for another attack? -- FORGIVEN BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

HEY, ASSHOLE:

Steve Jobs just invented this amazing thing-- it's called the "iDelete Key." Go get one at Best Buy.

DEAR APRON:

I have been spending more time than usual in doctors' offices now that I care for my elderly father. Lately, a lot of these offices have added TVs to their waiting rooms.

The sets are invariably tuned to 24-hour news channels on which combative people yell at each other. I think this is a bad choice for sick people. Subjecting them to this kind of programming can only raise their blood pressure. If the televisions have to be there, they should show calmer programming, like shows about food and cooking, homes and gardens, science or history.

I have tried making this point to the various health care professionals, but they look at me like I'm from Mars. Am I overreacting? -- TIRED OF YELLING HEADS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR TIRED OF WHATEVER:

You're right-- CNN has been clinically proven to elevate blood pressure of patients over 80 years old. The Tuscumbia Alabama Journal of Horseshit Medicine just came out with that study, I think. They should definitely be turning the station to "Jerry Springer" so your dad and his ilk can watch white supremacists break chairs over the heads of Hispanic hermaphrodites with 38-FF tits and no teeth.

It's okay, honey-- you're not from Mars. You're just an asshole. Thanks for playing.