Bitch, You Already Know This Cracka

Expired crackers.

That's what ended up in our food bag as we were frantically trying to leave the haphazard home of my in-laws over our ill-fated, blizzard-laden Christmas break.

While my wife and I struggle to pack dog and crate and clothes and laundry and skis and diminshing shards of sanity and cellphone chargers and sewing projects and library books into our bag, Mrs. Apron's mother is prancing around downstairs, finding stupid, random shit to stuff into our bags. We make a trip to the car in the driveway, in goes a pair of socks. Or a McCalls pattern from 1972. Or a small stuffed animal. Or some food-related impulse-purchase from T.J. Maxx.

This time, it was a pack of "Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Crackers."

"The hell," you say?

The hell I say.

On the very good chance that you did not know that such a product existed, which, hopefully, you didn't, I'm delighted that you get to hear about it first here. Don't worry-- they're "Made With REAL CHEDDAR CHEESE."

My mother-in-law, who never purchases anything unless it has one price already crossed out, purchased this packet of cheesey hum-dingers from Building 19 (a cut-price warehouse-style chain store in New England) for $0.97 (crossed out) $0.49!!!!

Yo. Don't say she never bought ya nothin', smart-mouth.

Whilst packing my lunch at some obscene hour yesterday morning, I blearily grabbed at bags in the cupboard and, when I opened my lunch yesterday, I smiled when my eyes fell upon this silly-looking blue bag. I had packed the macaroni and cheese crackers. How fucking fabulous. Even more fabulous than the inanity of the product itself was the Sell-By date.

December, 2009.

Nice.

I put one of the "macaroni shaped" bits into my mouth and one word popped into my head:

"Cheez-It."

It was a fucking reshaped, repackaged, rebranded Cheez-It. To say that I was crestfallen would be, well, accurate.

Though it's not really my style, I decided to do some investigating. I wanted to know if my taste-buds and neuro-receptors were, in fact, correct. Now, obvs, the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Crackers are manufactured by Kraft. Cheez-Its, Sunshine.

I was stunned to find that, first, Kraft does not own Sunshine. It owns everything else, from Stove-Top to my left testicle.

To further this probe (heh, heh) I knew I had to go to the ingredients. At the risk of sounding like one of those insufferable foodie pedants who blogs about food then makes millions of dollars by turning it into a book (Oh, please, God, let it be me) here we go:

CHEEZ-IT BAKED SNACK CRACKERS

ENRICHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMIN MONONITRATE [VITAMIN B1], RIBOFLAVIN [VITAMIN B2], FOLIC ACID), SOYBEAN AND PALM OIL WITH TBHQ FOR FRESHNESS, SKIM MILK CHEESE (SKIM MILK, WHEY PROTEIN, CHEESE CULTURES, SALT, ENZYMES, ANNATTO EXTRACT FOR COLOR), SALT, CONTAINS TWO PERCENT OR LESS OF PAPRIKA, YEAST, PAPRIKA OLEORESIN FOR COLOR, SOY LECITHIN.

KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE CRACKERS

Enriched Flour (Wheat Flour, Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamine Mononitrate {Vitamin B1}, Riboflavin {Vitamin B2}, Folic Acid), Cheddar Cheese (Cultured Milk, Salt and Enzymes), Soybean Oil, Partially Hydrogenated Cottonseed Oil, Whey, Tapioca Dextrin, Salt, Leavening (Baking Soda and/Or Yeast), Sour Cream (Cultured Cream, Skim Milk), Cheddar Cheese Powder (Cultured Milk, Salt, Enzymes), Blue Cheese Powder (Cultured Milk, Salt and Enzymes), Dextrose, Lactose, Monosodium Glutamate (Flavor Enhancer), Lactic and Citric Acids, Vegetable Color (Annatto Extract, Paprika Extract), Onion and Garlic Powders, Skim Milk, Autolyzed Yeast Extract, Romano Cheese Powder (Cultured Cow's Milk, Salt and Enzymes), Parmesan Cheese Powder (Cultured Milk, Salt and Enzymes), Artificial Color (Yellow 6 Lake, Yellow 6, Yellow 5), Spices, Disodium Inosinate and Disodium Guanylate (Flavor Enhancers), Natural and Artificial Flavor, Malted Barley Flour. Contains: Wheat, Milk.

Because you are smart and cute, you will first observe that the ingredients for the Cheez-Its are in all capitals. Sorry, that's how it was on the Sunshine website and I just c&p'd that shit. I guess they like it when ingredients scream at you. Kraft doesn't need to scream at you, because they hold the sexclusive proprietary rights to my left hair-fig.

Next, because you are pert and fine, you will notice that there are a cack-load more ingredients in the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Crackers than in the Cheez-Its. If you look at it from a linguistic standpoint, it stands to reason. There are far more letters in "Macaroni & Cheese Crackers" than "Cheez-Its," so, really, why shouldn't there be more ingredients?

Now, similarities:

Both Cheez-Its and M&C Cracks start out the same: Enriched Flour (Wheat Flour, Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamine Mononitrate {Vitamin B1}, Riboflavin {Vitamin B2}, Folic Acid). I-fucking-dentical, word for word. Now, to Kraft's credit, it uses Cheddar Cheese, as it claims on the front of the bag-- well, it's a bastardized, hydrolized version of Cheddar Cheese, but it's at least different from Cheez-Its, which utilize "Skim Milk Cheese."

The Macaroni & Cheese crackers also bafflingly and barfingly use sour cream. I mean... why? To make the little children cry and pull out their eyelashes?

Basically, almost all, if not all, of the ingredients in Cheez-Its are in the Macaroni & Cheese Crackers, though in the Kraft product there are a shitload more in general. (Sour cream? Really?) Food colorings. Annatto. Salt. Soybean oil. You name it. The Kraftards use MSG in their crackers, and I blame my splitting 2:00pm headache on that and not on the screaming, feces-smearing psych-patients, thank you.

All this is to say... when you go visit my in-laws, search your bags carefully. Cracker.