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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Oddly Named Fame Game

Strange people being in the news is nothing new. Diddle yourself in the middle of a public park wearing nothing but a fedora, a pink plastic raincoat and an adult diaper while raving about the price of Cool Ranch Doritos is bound to at least get you a passing mention in the local police blotter, even on a brisk news day.

But it isn't often that people with strange names make big news, mostly because we're generally afraid of people with strange names. Call it xenophobia, or polydipsia, or exotropia, or any other scientific-sounding name, I just call it "lunch."

Speaking of lunch-- I take my lunch hour inside my car. Is that weird?

Anyway, two strangely-named individuals made it into the news recently, both for attaining positions of considerable power and influence, and I found it just bizarre enough to deserve a mention on this humble little sliver of bloggerydom. These guys are both pretty big fucking deals, so, without further delay, let's bring them up to bat and see if we can make these puppies bunt.


This hepcat was elected Chairman of the Republican National Committee after former Chairman Michael Steele was ousted for having an unfortunate moustache. Time was in this country when someone who had a name like "Reince Priebus" couldn't be chairman of anything unless it was a meeting of jawless Hapsburg monarchs in ruffled collars. Actually, he's of Greek and German descent, and was born in Kenya for some reason-- probably because his parents were there or, at least his mother was.

Wikipedia says that he owns five guns, which means that, if you make fun of his name, you'd better learn how to duck or be quick with a "Just fuckin' with ya, Reince." Wikipedia also cites Ronald Reagan and Abraham Lincoln as Reince's two political heroes, and it's funny to me to picture a tea-time get-together with all three of them, especially picturing Reince in one of those ruffled collars.

When I see the name "Reince Priebus" spelled out, I automatically get a mental image in my mind of several scantily-clad sluts soaping up a Toyota Prius. Rinse Prius. Get it? I have a semi right now. I'm sorry. I wanted to not tell you that, but there we are.

I guess the good thing about having a name like "Reince Priebus" is that there's really no way to make fun of it, that I can tell, other than by just saying it. "You're a fucking asshole!" Oh yeah? Well... your name is... REINCE PRIEBUS! SO THERE!" I mean, ouch, right?

The cool thing is, his name has both an "ei" and an "ie" in it. So, I mean-- there's that.


When Larry King hung up his suspenders (if I hear one more media personality say that, I'm going to strangle myself and at least three random housecats with a pair) for the last time, nobody knew what the fate of his famed cable talkshow would be.

Enter Piers Morgan.

Seriously. Piers.

Now, maybe over there in England, it's okay to have a first name that ends in "s" that isn't "James" or "Charles," but, in this country, that's not how we roll.

"Oh, hi. My name is Davids Blank."

"I'm Bartholemews Smith."

"Theodores Johnson here."

"They call me Brians Wilson."

When somebody introduces himself to you and says that his name is Something + s, don't you automatically expect the fucking guy to be a conjoined twin? Like he's going to do a quarter-turn to the right and there's going to be a second Mike or Ted there, waving at you, going, "Hi, I'm Ted also."

And it doesn't help that the guy's name is "Piers." "Pierce" is okay, again, because it's singular. One Pierce. Two Piers? Like Piers 1 and 2 Imports? And now he's going to host a cable television program. Sorry, "programme." He's English, don't you know? They have men there named Beverly.

The thing is-- when your name is "Piers," (unlike "Reince") there's a lot of naughty things that rhyme with it. "Queers" comes immediately to mind. I'll bet English children wearing knickerbocker shorts and knee-socks and little blazers and neckties and beanie caps loved calling him "Rears Morgan" on the rugby pitch. And, when he cried, they probably kicked the shit out of him, deriding poor little "Tears Morgan."

God. What a mess. These silly-assed, very famous names just hurt my ears. Morgan.


  1. Had nightmares about that mustache.

    And the rest of this is stellar.

  2. Piers.
    Would you hate on him less if it were spelled "Pierce"?

    No, then you'd probably just make fun of him for being gay.


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