Well, Tell Me a Story and Give Me a Happy Ending... It's: DEAR APRON

Dear Apron -- It's Bad Advice, and Good Times.

You know you love it.

Now, let's club this seal.

-------------

DEAR APRON:

Would you please print the signs of a mental abuser? My husband is like night and day. There's no in-between. He curses at me, calls me names, tells me I'm stupid and, when he raises his hand palm outward, it's my sign to shut up.

I have to leave notes about where I am, what time I'll be home, and if I'm a minute late, I'm in for it big time. When I try to stand up for myself he tells me I'm a b---- or "too sensitive." He also tells me what to wear.

Why on earth would I still love this guy? Please print the signs because I know a lot of other women in this situation. -- BEATEN DOWN IN FLORIDA

DEAR B----

Okay, I'll make you a deal: I'll print your letter if you polish my knob in the car in the Walmart parking lot in broad daylight, you stupid fucking cow.

Nah, I'm just kidding baby, you know I love you. Now get on your knees and beg me to fuck your face.

Whoa! Sorry, about that, sweetie pie. I didn't mean it. You know I've been sniffing too much model glue lately, what with my war injury and bad back and testicular tortion and all. You know you're the only girl in my life. You hungry hungry hippo-- lose some fuckin' weight already! God, I oughta backhand you so hard your fuckin' mommy'll get whiplash!

Now let's hold hands and watch "Nick at Night," you sloppy fucked cunt.

DEAR APRON:

How do you deal with a thief in your midst? I have a 21-year-old relative who steals. He has stolen from me, and I suspect from other members of the family as well. Please don't suggest therapy -- he's had years of therapy. Recently, he was caught stealing from a purse belonging to his mother's best friend.

The problem is family gatherings. I'm not comfortable telling my guests that they must watch their valuables, but I cannot deal with the possibility of having a guest's possessions or money stolen. Also, I don't particularly relish the idea of having him loose in my house.

He hasn't shown any particular interest in attending these functions and often hasn't attended when invited, but it's hard to know whether excluding him might make him feel left out. My inclination is to tell him the reason I don't want to invite him. Should I? -- HIS RELATIVE

DEAR HIS RELATIVE:

"How do you deal with a thief in your midst?"

Well, I'm a big fan of the TASER, myself. After reviewing some of the products at TASER INTERNATIONAL's colorful and informative website, I would definitely feel comfortable recommending for your particularly delicate situation the TASER X12 by Mossberg. This non-lethal immobilization device is styled exactly like a shotgun, except that its grip and pump-action mechanisms are colored in bright, exciting yellow, to minimize the chances that, in a high-stress situation (such as your nephew rummaging through grammaw's purse while she's asleep in the living room) you might accidentally grab a nearby real shotgun and obliterate his head.

It looks like this:



Tight?

Tight.

According to TASER INTERNATIONAL, the X12 "delivers a similar Neuro
Muscular Incapacitation (NMI) bio-effect as [our] handheld TASER® X26™ ECD, but
can be delivered to a maximum effective range approaching 100 feet (30.48
meters), combining blunt impact force."

And, honey-- don't worry. I would never suggest therapy. That shit takes WAY too long and is far too much work.

DEAR APRON:

My boyfriend has two children from a previous relationship. I love them very much and treat them like my own. We often go out with the children to playgrounds, shopping, etc.

Apron, people often refer to me as the children's mother. They'll say, "Ask your mom ..." things like that. What's the proper response to this? I find it embarrassing because I'm not their mother. But I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by saying I'm not. What would be the most polite response to someone in that situation? -- NOT MOMMY IN MAINE

DEAR NOT MOMMY IN MAINE:

What an uncomfortable ordeal for you!

You have, as I see it, several options:

* Refer to yourself as "NOT MOMMY IN MAINE" in all social and semisocial situations. This includes, but is in no way limited to, introducing yourself to new friends, telling off persistent telemarketers, ordering a drink at Starbucks (from now on you must always speak of yourself in the third person: "Not Mommy in Maine would like no whip on her Venti Soy Hot Chocolate.") You should also consider having a t-shirt printed that says, "Hello, my name is Not Mommy in Maine."

* When a well-meaning, yet outrageously presumptuous person mistakes you for these brats' mother, take a deep breath and calmly state the following: "Thank you for the compliment. But, while I would like nothing more than to be their mother, I am not, because my stupid, unemployed, pot-bellied boyfriend will not marry me because he would rather treat me as his whore because it serves his Bermuda Triangle-like ego. Also, these kids are from his previous salacious relationship. They are bastards, and have no mother."

* Just break down and cry at the word "mommy" or "mother" like the hysterical woman that you are. If there is a tufted Victorian fainting couch nearby, be sure to swoon on that, too.

* Say, "Mother? To these kids?! Honey, do these abs look like they've squeezed out two mini-yeti spawn?"

If you're not into any of these aforementioned options, there's always an excellent selection of neuromuscular incapacitation devices from our friends at TASER INTERNATIONAL.