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Saturday, May 1, 2010

Apron for President

So, we all know that my reign as 20something Bloggers Featured Blogger for the month of April has come to an end.

As the wise man once said about a meal eaten at T.G.I. Friday's: "This too shall pass."

And it's okay, my bloggie little friendlettes, because I have bigger plans. Like most bloggers who attain the lofty, heady heights of Featured Bloggerdom, I am merely using 20sb as a platform, or a springboard, I might say, to bigger things.

Like, for instance, 30something Bloggers, a site that I will be joining with chest-thumping, fist-pounding, cherry-popping pride after my 30th birthday (I love chocolate presents) on May 12th.

Oh, and, also, I'm running for President.

Now, I realize that this particular plan of mine is fraught with complications and potential, well, cockups and clusterfucks, but I am prepared for any and/or all of them. We will address the potential problems that may result from my bid for the presidency later in this blog post, but, first, I thought I would share with you some of the platforms on which I will be running.

Most importantly, I will be running on a

Pro-Masturbation platform.

Going Pro-Masturbation will, I feel, get me a jitbag full of a lot of votes, as most people in America are masturbators, many of them chronic masturbators. While I have only masturbated in an office lavatory twice in my life, there are Americans out there who perform that lewd act of self-enjoyment on a consistent basis, and it is time that these people had a candidate that they can believe in. I'm not just going to give lip-service to masturbation, I'm going to put my fingers right around this issue and work it till it goes limp. In short: it's gonna be a real handjob.

I will also be employing a carefully-crafted and expertly-executed

Gilbert & Sullivan campaign.

This may prove to be a tough sell to my campaign advisors initially, but they will come around in time once they witness firsthand how effective it is. All speeches will be replaced with fast-paced patter songs. My introductory speech announcing my run for office will be broadcast live on YouTube and will be sung to the tune of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General." At every personal appearance of mine, I will be fully costumed as either the Duke of Plaza Toro, Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B., Reginald Bunthorne (fleshly poet), or the Lord High Exploder from "Utopia, Ltd." Instead of playing "Hail to the Chief" when I enter the room after being elected, "The March of the Peers" from "Iolanthe" will be played. My first dance with the First Lady at my inaugural ball will be "Dance a Carchucha" from "The Gondoliers." And I will rock that shit.

I will also be running on a

Pro-Bacon Platform.

Bacon has been too long villified in the media and by "science" as the cause of premature arteriosclerosis and generalized death in a significant portion of the American population. And that may very well be "true," but can't we just stop all the finger-pointing? As President, I will launch for $40 billion dollar public relations campaign aimed at bringing back respect and positivity to bacon. I will see to it that bacon is no longer treated as a third class meat at the butcher's shop, suitable only for consumption by overweight Christian people with significant gaps in their teeth and their employment records. Remember "Bring home the bacon?" Yeah. We're gonna bring back bringing home the bacon.

As President, I will also work as hard as I can to be

Pro-Castrati Singer.

The castrati craze largely went out-of-fashion in the 1790s, at right around the time of W. A. Mozart's untimely demise. Italy outlawed castration of young boys in 1870 and the practice has definitely fallen out of favor. However, with these challenging economic times, high unemployment rates, and near record numbers of registered sex offenders (especially in Florida-- what the fuck is up with that?) I feel the time has come to bring back the professional castrati singer.

I mean, look at it this way: in this high joblessness climate, we cannot afford to turn our heads to potential employment opportunities, especially for convicted sex offenders who may find it very difficult, nay, impossible to find jobs in the more traditional line.

Plus, if you think Lady Gaga's all that and a bag 'o balls: you ain't never heard a castrato hit a High-C. Whoa, Nelly!

Now, as I stated earlier, there are some problems with me running for public office, some particular few problems, I might add. While all candidates have skeletons and possibly edible, soiled women's underwear in their closest, it is not, in my opinion, the salacious details of these candidates' private lives that are their eventual and predictable undoing; it's their unwillingness or inability to get in front of the scandal before the scandal sneaks up on them and bumfucks them while choking them with a pair of soiled, edible panties.

So, with that delectable thought in mind, I would now like to lay all my cards out on the table, and expose any item that may very well come up during the extensive vetting process.

1.) I'm Jewish.

This is kind of a problem, as no Jew has ever been elected President. I could easily pretend that I am Greek, but no Greek has ever been elected President, so that doesn't really help.

2.) As already stated earlier in this blog post, I have masturbated inside my work lavatory.


3.) I sometimes wear the same pair of trousers for three or four days in a row.

I figured I'd better come clean (haha) with this one as, once I am on the campaign trail and the media is all over me like a predatory college professor on a pert English major in a tank-top, this particular dirty (haha) secret of mine will be easily revealed. "Hasn't Candidate Apron been wearing those brown corduroys with the wallet-divot since Tuesday?" NBC correspondent Jim Miklaszewski will remark to Matt Lauer on "The Today Show" as a still image of me in said offending trousers is shown to the voting public.

Yes, it's true. Get over it. At least I change my underwear every day.

4.) In 3rd grade, I made fun of Ari Wasserman for pronouncing "determined" as "deeter-minded" during a read-aloud session.

I never forgave myself. And Ari never spoke again. No, I'm just kidding about both of those statements. That sonofabitch still won't shut the fuck up. And he still has a lisp, too.

5.) I can't spell "Miklaszewski" without looking it up.

Actually, I can't spell most words without looking them up. I used to be a very good speller. Just like I used to be nice.

6.) Every time I interact with another human being, I imagine them naked.

It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, if they're hot or not, it's just something my mind automatically does. I don't think about it. Well, not too much. Well, only if they're hot.

7.) I profess to not care about anything, but, really, I care about everything, and way too much.

Take this blog, for instance. If I didn't have this blog anymore, I would cry. I cry about everything. Please don't un-follow me. I'll definitely cry about that. I'm just a big, sopping, tear-stained pussy.

8.) I curse frequently.

Not that this is any surprise to you, but it might be to some 87-year-old grammaw in Des Moines, who maybe doesn't frequent the blogosphere too much. I think it's funny when the general public flip out whenever a grown-up is caught on camera swearing. Like Joe Biden's congratulatory remark to President Obama about the passing of the healthcare bill.

"Congratulations, Mr. President. This is a big fuckin' deal."

Amen, Biden. You're fuckin' aye right about that, you big shiny-toothed fuckjob.

9.) In high school, I used to masturbate into a gym sock.

Is that wrong?

10.) I talk about masturbation a lot.

Isn't that better, though, than talking about playing ping-pong with decapitated baby porpoise heads?

Vote Apron for President.


  1. You've got my vote.
    But I'm Canadian.

    So you might end up as Prime Minister....

  2. "No Jew has ever been elected President."

    Well no openly Jewish person has ever been elected President. I'm sure that at least 10 of our past Presidents were closeted Jews. And I'll vote for you unless the person you're running against is Steve Martin, in which case, I'll have to vote for him. Sorry.

  3. Yes, masturbating in a gym sock is all sorts of wrong. My fiancee and I have a discussion about this once a week.

  4. No Greek has been elected either...

    We should run on a joint ticket. We'll work out who gets top billing later...


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