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Saturday, April 3, 2010

Bianca DeGroat; You've Ruined My Life

My wife watches children's television.


Now, before you comment on this blog urging me to begin involuntary psychiatric committal papers, let me blogsplain.


For three years, Mrs. Apron taught pre-school at a small, Quaker, everybody-hold-hands and everybody-wins-at-soccer-games type school. She was young(er) and it was a wonderful, happy life. She was paid once a month in coins fashioned out of molded dirt, but we didn't care. We were poor as hell, but, when you're young and retarded, you don't know you're poor. We still went to the theatre and to concerts and got Chinese food once every two weeks like the nouveau riche do.


In order to effectively socialize with pre-school children, it's generally a good idea to watch some children's television. I mean, if some gap-toothed little munchkin in overalls waddles up to you on the playground and starts talking about Arthur the talking, bespectacled Aardvark and his little sister, D.W., you'd better know what that's all about or you might think the kid's addicted to smack.


And so my wife's 4:00-5:00 televisual diet consisted in those days of heavy doses of PBS Kids programming. Because we get multiple PBS stations at our house, the programming schedule changes frequently, and so, at any given time, Mrs. Apron could be watching any combination of the following:


Arthur


Fetch! (with Ruff Ruffman)


Zoom!


Curious George


Maya & Miguel


Word Girl


Her favorite, I think, is Arthur. But, a close second is Cyberchase. In case you, um, don't watch kids television, Cyberchase is a math-related program that follows the exploits of a cluster of choppily animated tweens and their parrot (voiced by the ever-grating and obnoxious Gilbert Gottfried) as they do battle with The Hacker (the miraculously not-institutionalized-yet Christopher Lloyd) and his moronic henchmen, Buzz & Delete, one of whose voices sounds just like Roger Rabbit, the other one sounds like a truck-driver from Camden.


Like all children's shows, every episode is the same: The Hacker decides to take over the world or some shit and the kids try to stop him, and succeed in doing so, but only after laboriously solving some rudimentary math-related problem in a way that teaches children to laboriously solve math-related problems.


For a while, I was under the delusion that my watching Cyberchase would help me study for the Praxis exam which I never took. Mostly, I'll sit down after walking through the door after a long, soul-eviscerating day at work because I get to cuddle up next to my wife, because I find Christopher Lloyd's voice oddly entertaining, and because the Cyberchase... (For Real) segments are enjoyable.


Cyberchase... (For Real) is a usually five minute live action segment that features one of two young, promising actors who act out in sketches that reinforce the episode's banal and heavy-handed math lesson in a more vibrant, humorous way, and are more related to "real life" rather than defeating a huge, green, broad-chinned villain voiced by Doc. The actors are Matthew Wilson, who mopes around in huge black plastic glasses, loud shirts and fucked up hair and generally behaves in a comically inept way.


The other actress is Bianca DeGroat, a pretty, sprightly, peppy, wide-eyed, bushy-haired actress approximately my middle sister's age, whose misadventures include babysitting gone amiss and her birthday going amiss and meeting up with a friend going amiss and things generally going amiss.


My wife loves Bianca DeGroat and, while I admit that I find her attractive and wouldn't particularly mind living across the street from her and then purchasing an expensive, Israeli-manufactured nightvision telescope, I certainly don't jump up and down on the couch and squeal "IT'S BIANCA!" when I see her on a McDonalds commercial. Like my wife does.


But that's okay-- we all express ourselves differently, and that's what makes us special.


Anyway, Bianca has carved out a pretty successful niche for herself in commercials, which is funny since she's most noted for her recurring role on "commercial-free" public television. She's certainly a talented actress, and she must have a super-aggressive and effective agent/manager because it seems like, every time there's a commercial on TV, my wife is squealing.


Currently, as far as I can tell, Bianca has scored B.F.D. national commercials for:


McDonalds (she's having a bum office day until a coworker brings her a McCafe bullshit drink and she lights up like a Chernobyl reactor)


Ford (she gets handed the keys to a brand new Focus and she lights up like a Chernobyl reactor)

And...

Post Cereal (there are Chernobyl-reactor-style reactions after said actress places a small quantity of Honey Bunches of Oats (with Pecan bunches) into her mouth)

Now, this is the commercial that really gets my goat-- or should I say my DeGroat:

The portion of the commercial where Bianca, standing next to some white chick who nobody cares about and eats the cereal and energetically proclaims something like, "This is REALLY GOOD!" is shot outdoors on a sunny day by what looks like a roadside taste-testing station-- the kind I've never actually seen in real life but commercial television has led us to believe supposedly exist throughout the country when companies are doing product testing.

We've all seen these commercials before-- Coke vs Pepsi at an outdoor table. Kraft Original Ranch dressing vs Evander Holyfield's ejaculate at an outdoor table. Pampers diapers vs a doll-sized straight-jacket at an outdoor table. Activia yogurt vs infant vomit at an outdoor table. Claussen kosher dill pickle halves vs Henry Kissinger at an outdoor table, etc, etc, etc. People line up and ooh and aah over the product manufactured by whatever company is paying for the commercial. Now, I, being a world-renowned snark-oozing cynic of course knew that the undesirable reactions proffered by the taste-testing idiots simply are not used in the finished product commercial. I mean, Coke obviously isn't going to put together a 30-second commercial with 3 people choosing Coke and one person choosing a blowjob, even though eleven out of thirteen osteopaths prefer blowjobs over Coke in clinical trials.

I mean, I'm not stupid or anything.

But, seeing Bianca DeGroat in what is obviously a completely staged taste-test, at the outdoor table scenario that was made specifically to mislead the public into thinking, "Oh, she's just some pretty, articulate woman in her early thirties that we pulled over here to shove some cereal into her mouth" quite frankly ruined my life.

Now my innocence is gone.

If Post Cereal can pay Bianca DeGroat lots of money to pretend she's just a random cereal-eating person, then where does it end? What else are they not telling us? Is the buck-toothed git in the hardhat at the Post Cereal factory who screams, "PEE-CANS!" and the annoying, bug-eyed woman in the hardhat at the Post Cereal factory who immediately thereafter screams, "PI-CAHNS!" fake, too? Are those two people actors, too? And, if they are, what the hell kind of actors are they? Surely they weren't trained in Alexander Technique.

I mean, I don't think I was either. Or, maybe I was-- I don't really remember.

I guess, in the end, what I'm saying is: I'm crushed. Every time I see that Post Cereal commercial, a little part of my innocence dies. But my wife still jumps up and down on the sofa.

22 comments:

  1. I've seen all of those commercials several times, but never noticed it was the same girl.

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  2. Sure 11 out of 13 osteopaths recommend a blowjob over an icy cold Coke, but just try asking them to put their prescription pads where their mouths are...

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  3. I have been known to watch Veggie Tales.

    I don't have kids, I don't teach kids, I don't even know any kids.

    Its left over from Christian School days! Its not my fault! I was programmed to enjoy watching singing vegetables enact Bible stories! Its not my fault!

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  4. I loooove Arthur. :) Although, technically, I could still be considered a child...

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  5. I google imaged her like the creep that I am and.... she has no breasts. WHERE ARE THEY?
    This makes me kind of glad I don't live in America. We don't have any of those terrible ads or children's tv shows over here.

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  6. i absolutely love bianca degroat!
    she's awesome. i watched cyberchase and loved when it would be her on 'cyberchase forreal' and when i see her on commercials. i always say 'BIANCUUH' and my sister laughs. she knows i love her. it's sort of weird because even though she is an actress she's never starred in a major role. but i really just love her anyway. she's very very pretty in my opinion. she has a beauty that's almost innocent, but she can be very sophisticated too.

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  7. Coins fashioned out of molded dirt... Oh, those Quakers!

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  8. Me loves Bianca also!

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  9. She is adorable in every way, I was happy to see her in the Pier 1 Christmas commercial. I can only imagine that her personality in reality is just as fantastic as her smile.

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  10. Apparently, she used to live in Brooklyn a few years back. My buddy was a neighbor of hers and would often chat with her and such. He said she was indeed super-cute (medium to small breasts not withstanding) and "above average" friendly. My 3 year old loves the show and I try to catch the For Real segment when possible, just to watch her. However, I don't tell my wife that I would divorce her in a heart beat to date Bianca !!!

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  11. You might not have known this. But she was also in a US Army commercal...

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  12. Hi - found this blog searching for the name of the actress who appears in both Cyberchase and all of these commercials. It never occurred to me that someone named "Bianca" would play "Bianca." Of course, I found it!

    Bianca is also in the new Clear wi-fi commercial as "Sam," the real estate agent who can close a deal with her laptop doohickey rather than going back to the office.

    I'm not 100% positive but I believe she's in the crowd
    in the Progressive car insurance commercial where the
    guy says "what if mother won't let me drive". IMDB
    also says she was in an episode of Parenthood last year
    (I've never watched that show).

    I too have wondered what kind of insanely good agent
    she must have. No other commercial actor comes close
    in recent appearances. She's like the Rena Sofer of
    commercials or something!

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  13. Anthony Lee ArguienMarch 31, 2011 at 9:34 PM

    I used to watch her on Cyberchase! Had the biggest crush on her! I'm a screenwriter, so Lo and Behold, I wrote a part just for her! LOL! I told my agent/producer friend that I want to meet her in real life so I can show her the script. He said he'll try and make it happen. I'll keep you guys posted. And yes,I usually get what I go after. T.

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    Replies
    1. Whoops, guess ya' should'nt have jinxed yourself there about " getting what you go after" , because it's 2013 and you still haven't got " it" or her either for that matter .

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  14. Big fan of bianca also I think she is beautiful and I wish her the best of luck in anything and everything that she can do.
    Can't wait for her to get the movie dealS

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  15. I love all her commercials and her body is just fine to me.Some of these posts are just mean talking about her breasts.....beauty is in the eye of the beholder....her breasts are perfect size for my taste.
    I hope movie roles come her way soon.

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  16. I am convinced that Bianca is playing the part of "Moogega Cooper" on the TBS show King of the Nerds. Google tells me otherwise, but really, would a NASA engineer really go on a reality show?

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  17. I'm convinced she's on that fricking Nerds show, too. I saw her on one of the commercials, racked my brain for childhood memories, and thought: "She's that lady from Cyberchase." IT HAS TO BE HER.

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  18. I think I spotted her pregnant on a wix.com commercial.

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  19. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  20. She`s a living doll. I would kill for her. I hate it when instead of her on Cyberchase it`s the nerd boy. I say, "F you, nerd boy. Where's the pretty girl?" Then I change the channel. I saw her in an ad for RE/MAX or some real estate concern. Looked smokin' in a red dress. I guess the point is that if you're addled enough to eat at McD's, you need a bullshit drink to wash down the bullshit "food." Ronald is the anti-Christ!

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