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Thursday, April 22, 2010

IDGAS: And THAT'S My New Philosophy!

Here's an incongruous headline that probably won't make it onto Jay Leno's desk, but should:

"Chrysler Lost $4 Billion But Sees Signs of Improvement"

See? Life truly is all about perspective. After having spent nearly two years behind the wheel of one of their products, my wife's 2001 PT Cruiser, I have a unique bond or kinship with Chrysler. Even though I traded the '01 Cruiser in for an '02 Volvo last month, that kinship still persists to this day, like a stubborn herpe or a sweaty homeless guy with hot feet breath bothering you for change while you're filling up at the gas station.

After reading this headline, my bond with Chrysler has only grown, and it's grown exponentially.

I don't know if you've realized this about me by now, but I'm sort of a glass-half-empty kind of guy. I tend to be a bit of a downer. If somebody has a good idea, I'm the one who's most likely to unbuckle his trousers and dump a steaming, sizzling load of pragmatism all over it. I tend to look at the negative more easily than I look at the positive in any given situation.

But, golly gee willikurs, Ma-- I sure do love me a cockeyed optimist.

And, when I think of Chrysler, $4 billion dollars in the red and still claiming to see "positive signs," well, you know what? That practically makes me want to burst into song.

"The hiiiiiiiiills are ali--"


Chrysler's unique brand of vapid optimism is really awe-inspiring, actually, especially at a time when we are living in a perpetual fog of financial meandering and angst-inducing uncertainty. They're like the grinning guy on the plane that's careening towards the Indian Ocean saying, in the 2 seconds before impact, "I'm not dead yet!"

And, well, you've really got to admire cheeky sonsofbitches who think like that.

In a way, Chrysler is really exemplifying a life strategy that we would all do well to consider adopting, and that is the strategy of I Don't Give a Shit, or IDGAS. IDGAS seems to be an appropriate strategic monkier for a company who continues to produce cars with some of the poorest fuel economy of any car maker out there (my former PT Cruiser is at the top of that rather long list-- or is it the bottom?).

Chrysler's cutting-edge IDGAS philosophy is actually a brilliant marketing and financial strategy, because it combines time-tested methods that have led to proven success:

1.) A bright outlook in spite of obviously bleak facts.

2.) The perpetuation of outdated, outmoded, inefficient, ineffective methodologies and practices.

3.) A dogged persistence in the face of outright failure.

4.) The complete and utter disregard for the current state of the world.

5.) The ardent belief that cheap, substandard plastics are your friend.

So, whenever you're fucking up at work or home, whenever you're accused of not being "with it" or maybe being told that you have your head shoved so far up your own ass that you can lick your own pancreas, just remember, you're not being lazy or stupid or naive or possessing the intellect of a tortured hamster-- you're practicing the IDGAS philosophy. Because, when you're a member of the IDGAS klan, losing $4 billion dollars is just another day at the office.


  1. I think perhaps you should market "IDGAS"-wear.

  2. My new philosophy is INDY: I'm not dead yet!

  3. so, probably a really long time ago, you sent me a request on 20Something bloggers and i just got your request because I've decided to start blogging basically, please feel free to read it, it's way more juicy than your sisters diary :P HELLOOO

  4. Can you really have just one herpe?


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