Well, Tug on My Teat and Feed the Kittens: It's... DEAR APRON!

It's Friday, Goddamnit.

I'm not getting out of work early or going on a drunktastic cruise with a bunch of bronzed, blonde, lubricated people.

I'm just sitting here, gently mocking the circus clowns who write to Dear Abby with their quibbles, paradoxes, and traumaramas.

Maybe one day, someone will pay me to do this. But, for now, it's just a hobby.

You know, like pretending to build vintage WWI model airplanes just to sniff the model glue.

That's right: that's how I prep to write my advice column. Doesn't everybody?

Well, that's how we roll at... DEAR APRON!

DEAR APRON:

I am not gay or bisexual, but I'm in love with my boss, who is a female like me. She's 27 and I am 17. She is married and doesn't know how I feel about her.

I looked up her address on the Internet and got directions to her house. I drive by every day -- don't ask me why. I told her I have a friend who lives on the same street that she does, and that I saw her car in the driveway.

About a month ago, she caught me driving by as she was pulling out of her driveway. Two days ago, she called my mother -- they have been friends for years -- and asked, "What's wrong with 'Janie'? She pulled my address up from a computer. I saw her driving past my house."

That's all my mom told me, but how in the heck did she find out? I still have the printout in my bedroom, and it's still in the same position it was, so I don't think my mom saw it and told her about it. Only three of my closest friends know, and I don't think they repeated anything because they have no reason to -- and they don't know my boss. What's going on here? Am I going crazy? -- FOUND OUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR JANIE:

Honey-- here's a tip: if you're going to go through all the trouble of inventing a creative, clever pseudonym like "Janie" in the body of your letter, then there is really no reason to further belabor the point of coming up with an alliterative signature for your letter like "Found Out in Florida" or "Fucking Box-Licking Lesbian in Florida." Seriously, I wouldn't want you to tax your precious little synapses more than is absolutely necessary.

Now, getting back to the crux of your letter: of course you're not gay or bisexual, dear. Anyone can see that. You just happen to be a female stalker who wants to ferociously clit-rub against your boss, who also happens to be female. See? I get it.

Now, while this activity may seem like a good idea to you, and while I wouldn't particularly mind watching the two Turtle Wax each other's areolas, you must think of the consequences. The consequence that should be foremost in your mind is that, if you two try the deep dykin' and things go sour between you, you may very well lose your job at Dairy Queen.

And then where would you be?

DEAR APRON:

My in-laws (whom I love dearly) moved to another state after retirement, and when they come to visit they always stay with us. They own a house next door that is occupied by their daughter, and they also have another child living nearby.

How can I politely suggest that they stay in their own house with their daughter or with the other child? Both have the space to accommodate them. I work very early morning hours and don't want to disturb them, but they pretty much take over our house when they are here. I don't know if the other children offer them a place to stay or not, but I'm tired of having them here every time they visit. -- STUCK IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR STUCK:

I have no doubt that anybody who correctly uses the word "whom" in an advice letter can come up with a way to "politely suggest" something to their in-laws (whom you love dearly). But, since you seem to be having such painful difficulties in formulating the desired phrase, and since you asked me everso nicely, let me see if I can be of assistance.

When your in-laws come to town again, answer the door dressed as Adolf Hitler. From the waist-up, that is. Period Nazi dress uniform regalia should be readily available on E-bay. Be naked from the waist down, and have someone (it will be difficult for you to accomplish this on your own) shave a swastika pattern into your pubes. Your husband should be between your legs, on all fours, completely naked, with the exception of a vinyl facemask and a choke-chain around his neck. His ass should be reddened from repeated disciplinary actions from a cricket bat.

If you have schoolaged children, throw up on them around fifteen minutes before your inlaws are scheduled to arrive. This will give the vomitus time to dry and set into the fabric of their clothing. If you have children of opposing genders, dress them in each other's clothes, and have them stand next to you when you open the door to your inlaws, like a family portrait of sorts. If you have one pet, dress it up as Little Bo Peep, but be sure to hang a sign around its neck that says "FAG," written in excrement. If you have two pets, one significantly smaller than the other, insert the smaller pet headfirst into the larger pet's ass.

When you open the door to your in-laws, just smile, and say, "Welcome, in-laws, whom we love so much! Your room is all ready."

DEAR APRON:

My son "Matt" is a junior in high school. He says he's not attending the junior/senior prom this year because he doesn't have anyone special to go with.
I tried to explain that his date doesn't have to be a "girlfriend," that she can just be a friend. I told him he could also go with a bunch of guys who don't have dates.

I know later on in life Matt will regret not having gone to the prom, and I'm sad about his decision. Should I make him go even though he doesn't want to, hoping he has a good time when he gets there? Or should I drop the issue and respect his wishes even if he's making a mistake? Matt is 17 and not particularly social, and I think that's why he doesn't want to go. -- ENCOURAGING MOM

DEAR NAGGING MOM:

"I tried to explain that his date doesn't have to be a 'girlfriend,' that she can just be a friend."

Honey, Matt doesn't have any female friends.

"I told him he could also go with a bunch of guys who don't have dates."

Sweetlips, Matt also does not have any guy friends. Granted, if he did, they would be the type of guys who also don't have dates, but, let's be honest with each other here: even these zit-picking societal freaks wouldn't be caught comatose, passed out in a Chevy Celebrity in the parking lot of a vacant warehouse with Matt.

Hey-- I have an idea: why don't YOU go to the prom with Matt? You seem to think he's totes the cat's meow. Let's see if he really delivers!

I won't wait up!

AND NOW, A BONUS DEAR APRON PROM LETTER!

(Yeah, I never went to mine, and I don't regret it-- just throwing that out there.)

DEAR APRON:

I'm 18 and a senior in high school. I do not drink and don't plan on drinking when prom time comes around. My problem is, I'm not sure whether or not my date will want to. I don't want to be around alcohol, and I especially do not want to have a drunk date I have to sober up before I can take her home, which might upset her parents if it's after curfew.

So how do I find out if my potential prom date is a drinker before I ask her to the prom? -- DOESN'T DRINK IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR DOESN'T DRINK:

Well, gee, I don't know, Sport. I guess you could pass her a little quiz during Calc I.

1.) I consider myself a raging, Meredith Vieira-style alcoholic.

TRUE FALSE UNSURE I WATCH G.M.A.

2.) I call alcoholic drinks by affectionate nicknames, like "SoCo," "the Captain," and "Chivs."

TRUE FALSE UNSURE I AM TOO DRUNK TO READ THIS

3.) I think it is acceptable to drink beer and eat hot dogs for breakfast.

TRUE FALSE UNSURE UH-OH, I JUST THREW UP ON MY CALC MIDTERM & MY VANS

4.) I have been sober for...

LESS THAN 10 MINUTES FALSE

I think, once you get your survey back, you'll be able to tell just from the smell whether or not this is the girl you want to bring to the prom. Of course, if you're not the survey kinda guy, there's always the Magic 8 Ball.