Well, Give Me a Kiss and Bust Up My Chifferobe: It's... DEAR APRON!

Yes, this blog space might might be better utilized decrying the social injustice of seal clubbing, or exploring the root causes of babies having babies... But, hey, it's Friday and nobody's perfect-- least of all me. So let's let down our asshair and have a taunt-fest directed at the misguided, inept ozone-heads who write to Dear Abby to validate their unhappy lives.

The letters are real. The answers are, um, well... there are answers.

It's called: Dear Apron.

DEAR APRON:

My brother is 9 and still walks around naked. I have asked "Josh" repeatedly to put on some clothes, but he blows me off and flaunts himself around the house.

My mother is no help. When I ask her to talk to him, she laughs and says, "Boys will be boys." Apron, I'm 13 and it is starting to freak me out. Am I being paranoid, or am I right to want him to put on a pair of boxers or something? -- OLDER SISTER IN MCALLEN, TEXAS

DEAR OLDER SISTER:

I'm always baffled when a thirteen-year-old child writes in to an advice column written by an elderly woman whose hair still looks like it was done utilizing a Flowbee.

Anyway, dear, your younger brother is obviously sending signals that he wants to sleep with you. As most siblings in McAllen, Texas are already doing this, I wouldn't feel too awkward or "freaked out." It's natural in that part of the world, and I would say just roll with it. Your mother's probably already doing it.

DEAR APRON:

My ex-mother-in-law died unexpectedly three weeks ago. We were very close, and I handled most of the arrangements. She left no will, so my ex-husband and I did our best to provide what we thought she would have wanted.

We chose to have Mom cremated, but decided to have a short open viewing at the funeral home for her grandchildren's benefit. We wanted them to realize Grandma was no longer in her body.

This morning I was shocked to receive a phone call from the funeral parlor saying they have received a letter from one of Mom's co-workers, expressing that she felt the viewing was disrespectful and in bad taste. Apron, we chose to display her body on a table with blankets. We didn't think spending hundreds of dollars for a coffin for the four-hour viewing was justified, nor did we think Mom would have wanted us to do that. Was it inappropriate? -- SLAPPED IN THE FACE IN MONTANA

DEAR SLAPPED:

Inappropriate? Certainly not! I think dumping your mother's corpse onto some table underneath a dowdy, moth-eaten afghan is entirely appropriate. After all, she was dead, right? As long as the table didn't resemble a dining room table too closely, I think you probably did the right thing. Obviously, if the table looked like a dining room table, mourners might have gotten the impression that, following the viewing, close family members would draw the blinds, put on lobster bibs and eat the bitch.

You didn't... eat the bitch. Did you?

DEAR APRON:

I work for a nonprofit organization, and once a month we convene early in the morning for a staff meeting. To make up for the fact that we are meeting earlier than usual, departments take turns providing breakfast. This has turned into a contest to see who can bring the most elaborate breakfast.

Frankly, it's all I can do to get breakfast on the table for my own family without the added pressure of having to provide something for my "work family." The one-upmanship and back-stabbing is bad enough without having to become Martha Stewart in the process. Please comment. -- EGGS-ASPERATED IN NEW YORK

DEAR EGGS-ASPERATED:

Your pun is not funny and you and your eggs can go fuck yourself. I don't know if you're aware of this, but some people have actual problems in their lives. Like the cannibal family and the chick with the nurkid brother.

DEAR APRON:

I am at my wits' end and feel my life is over. I just want to get my life back the way it was 10 years ago. In the past eight years I have lost two jobs. I am currently unemployed and in financial ruin. I see no way out. Every job I apply for wants to do a credit check, so there goes any good job I might have. I have no resources for a counselor since I have no health insurance and nobody for a sounding board. Please help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel virtually alone. -- TROUBLED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TROUBLED:

Well, that was uplifting! Nothing like ending Dear Apron on an upswing. Thanks to you, I'll probably lose at least 30% of my followers to suicide.

Look on the bright side, Troubs, you may be unemployed, uninsured, totally friendless and alone in a cruel, dispassionate, unkind world, but, if you managed to write to me, you obviously have a computer with internet access. Before you make up your mind to kill yourself, you should really do a thorough exploration of the world of online pornography. I think, after around seven-or-so hours of that, you'll find that, in this modern age, there's really rather a lot to live for.