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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Jew Fewd

Here's a great opening sentence for a stunning, gotta-read-it blog:

"So, I was standing in my kitchen yesterday morning making a sandwich when I happened to glance at the bag holding the bread."

Whoa, right? My seventh grade English teacher would be so proud. But I think she's a prostitute by now, so her worldview may have shifted since 1993.

Anyway, I was making my sandwich in the kitchen yesterday and I glanced at the plastic bag holding the bread and it said,


Special Bread
for Special Sandwiches"

Apparently, it's also "Melba Thin," whatever the fuck that means. I mean, I know what melba toast is. People in California eat it and pretend they like it. I guess, in this context, "melba" is some kind of superlative adjective, better, of course, than being just plain old thin. I'd like to walk up to some slut on the street (my 7th grade English teacher?) and say, "Wow, honey, you're not just thin-- you're melba thin."

Now, obviously I've known before yesterday morning that there was such a thing as "Jewish" rye bread, but it never really bothered me until yesterday. I must have been on my melba period.

I don't know what exactly it was about the fact that my rye bread is "Jewish" that irritated me so. Personally, I know for a fact that this particular loaf of bread was purchased by my wife. I would never buy a loaf of bread that identified itself not only as "Jewish" but as "REAL JEWISH."


Oh, I don't know, because maybe, as a slightly stooped-over, rail-thin, bearded man with dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, bushy eyebrows and a nose upon which an overweight parrot could live comfortably alongside a small family of Mexican immigrants, I would feel kind of embarrassed and cliche buying a loaf of bread that is "REAL JEWISH."

I mean-- why do I need to do that to myself?

And so, another question becomes: what is it about this bread that makes it so, well, Jewish? It's certainly not the name of the company: Arnold. One of the teachers at my elementary school (who is most certainly not a prostitute, but is a lesbian) was named Mrs. Arnold, and she certainly wasn't Jewish. Maybe if the bread company's name was "Schmecky's" or "Blatzenblortt's" I could better understand the words "REAL JEWISH Rye" coming after its name. But, "Arnold," well, no. That I don't understand.

Then there's "Jewish Apple Cake." What is it about apples, eggs, flour, and sugar that suddenly makes something Jewish? Can't it just be apple cake? I don't get it. It's not like the apples are circumcized or have little dangly curls hanging down from their sides.

Can't we just buy bread and apple cake without having these religious affiliations? Is that really too much to ask?

I mean, I don't know about you, but I would feel kind of funny walking into a grocery store and seeing "Protestant Turkey Jerky" ("The Hard Work it Takes to Chew 'Em Will Set You Free!") or "Catholic 'Nilla Wafers" ("The Perfect At-Home Eucharist Treat!").

Actually, this is starting to sound like not such a bad idea. Maybe it's possible that I am the greatest marketing genius since Augusten Burroughs ("Refresh... mints" anybody?). Since I've now successfully convinced myself of this previously undiscovered talent, let's roll with it and see if Kraft Foods & Cigarettes, Inc. picks me up as their new talent-miser.

Ready? Let's give this a good shot. This could be the best career move of my brittle little life:

"Muslim Pork Loin -- The Best Edible Incongruity You've Never Tasted"

"Southern Baptist Fried Chicken: It's Not Offensive... It's Delicious!"

"Lutheran White Rice: So Bland it Just HAS to Be Lutheran!"

"7th Day Adventist Red Wine -- Save a Glass for Jesus, He's Comin' & He's Thirsty, Bitches!"

"Jehovah's Witness Carrots: See Jehovah Clearer with these Vision-Enhancing Treats!"

"Buddhist Cookies: Enhance Your Budda Belly with Box After Box!"

Okay, now it's your turn, kids! Create your own religiously-centered food products so we Jews don't feel like we're, um, weirdly singled out. GO!


  1. It's not offensive, it'd delicious! - perhaps the funniest sentence I have read in a while. and I read allot.

  2. "Catholic Zero Calorie, No Carb, Fat Free Snack Crackers: At least on aspect of your life can be guilt-free!"

  3. Mormon Potato Chips - Bet you can't stop at just one!

  4. So, first, I just have to say...REAL JEWISH as opposed to what? Fake Jewish? Pretend Jewish?

    I think what's needed are Evangelical Apples. Eat them or you're going to hell (instead of an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it could be an apple a day keeps the antichrist away).

  5. I want me some Buddhist Biscuits, if you please! Three boxes.

  6. Correct me if I'm wrong, but can't "Jewish" refer to one's ethnicity as well as one's religion? Haven't you ever heard of German potato salad, Italian wedding soup, and/or French fries? Maybe the rye bread recipe has been handed down by little Jewish grandmothers for generations.

    I once brought in a Jewish apple cake to work (it said so right on the top) and when a coworker asked me what I was and I told her, she was deeply offended because she is half Jewish. I mean, what? It's not like I called it [Jewish slur] cake. I was just reading the label!

    But, you're right. Perhaps the world would be a more harmonious place without labels.


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