Aaaaarrrrrgggggh! Piracy!

No, this isn't another gay, Anglophiliac blog entry about The Pirates of Penzance, so you can all stop worrying/clicking the little red "x" on the top right-hand corner of your screen.

And it isn't a post about Somalian pirates either, who seem to be largely supplanted in the news media these days by pictures of exploding volcanoes and pictures of beautiful, white children who are missing/dead.

And it definitely isn't a post about "Muppet Treasure Island" which I have not viewed in full but, from the YouTube clips I've seen, I feel I can definitively state the following:

1.) I'll wait till it is one of the "On Demand" freebies

and

2.) Tim Curry-- you've still got it, you charming, curly-locked motherfucker.

This is a post about internet piracy, or more specifically, blog piracy. Or even more specifically, blog plagiarism. Or, even more specifically, plagiarizing my blog.

Now, before you all pick up lit tiki-torches and rusty scythes in preparation for the merciless hunting down and eviscerating of the scum who would dare besmirch and befoul this sacred blog with the smut and smegma of plagiarism, relax. Nobody's done it.

At least, I don't think anybody's done it.

I mean, why would anybody do it would have to be the first question I would ask about the hypothetical plagiarizer. Well, it would be my second question, really, immediately following "Is his penis bigger than mine?"

Maybe it's just my basement-low self-confidence, but why someone (with any size penis) would plagiarize my blog is kind of beyond my ability to comprehend. First of all, there are a lot better blogs out there to plagiarize and/or pirate-rape than mine, of that I am absolutely sure. I read some of them. Some of the ones that are way, way, way better than mine are either too painful for me to read, or I just can't understand them. I mean, I don't walk around with a Thesaurus wedged between my asscheeks. That would be very difficult to do, and would require funny trousers.

But maybe I need to think about bucking up my self-image a little bit. I mean, I'm Is-reali sexy (thanks, Magpie-- I laughed. Mission accomplished.) Aside from that, I done writes good. I bring home a paycheck (notice I left out any hint of an adjective there). I've never run over a pedestrian, accidentally or otherwise, and all aberrant behaviors of mine consisting of a wooden-handled axe were committed before age 10.

So, like, why shouldn't lazy, talentless hacks try to pass off my work as their own? I mean-- what? I'm not good enough to fucking copy? I'll show you motherfuckers who's good enough to copy.

ME, THAT'S WHO!

ME!

Oh, God. Somebody please pay attention to me. It's so cold in here. It's so goddamn cold....

Now, the very astute/Aspergian of you might have noticed that I recently added some legalese mumbojumbo horseshit on the righthand side of my blog. I did it because, well, I noticed lots of other bloggers doing it and I thought, "Well, if they're all wrapping lacey thongs around their necks while they masturbate and are snorting crushed-up Ritalin in the work bathroom, then you can bet your sweet ass that I'd better start doing it."

Believe me, I've resisted peer-pressure my whole life, and all my morals ever got me were seriously jacked-up teeth, poor vision and asthma. So, time to start following the masses, methinks.

I've never liked people who plagiarize. I think they probably suffer from a vitamin deficiency or were suckled on cold tot milk mixed with lead paint shavings. I mean, what's the point of having a blog, which is supposed to be your exclusively narcissistic venue for creative self-expression only to use someone else's literary masturbatory gooplings? It's like paying $150/hr to see a shrink and then telling the pointy-nosed prick someone else's life story.

That's stupid.

But, then, people are stupid. Especially Americans. Just ask my father. He'd love to tell you all about it. And, if you give him your cell-number, he'll text you all day like a 12-year-old girl. Totes.

It's funny-- writing this post has kind of got me all fired up. I hope somebody does plagiarize me now. I'd love to meet the person who would plagiarize off "My Masonic Apron." I wonder if it would be a guy or a girl. I wonder if they'd have some kind of fucked up birth defect, like eleven fingers or a nostril on the back of their head or something like that. Chances are, they'd probably just be a miserly asshole with glasses like me. The worst part is, I don't know if I would be able to readily overcome the feeling of immense pride at being flattered by someone who loved my words so much that they just had to try getting away with attaching their name to my work. I'd probably really like the guy.

And that would make removing his uvula with a salmonella-encrusted olive fork very upsetting for me.