An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Aaaaarrrrrgggggh! Piracy!

No, this isn't another gay, Anglophiliac blog entry about The Pirates of Penzance, so you can all stop worrying/clicking the little red "x" on the top right-hand corner of your screen.

And it isn't a post about Somalian pirates either, who seem to be largely supplanted in the news media these days by pictures of exploding volcanoes and pictures of beautiful, white children who are missing/dead.

And it definitely isn't a post about "Muppet Treasure Island" which I have not viewed in full but, from the YouTube clips I've seen, I feel I can definitively state the following:

1.) I'll wait till it is one of the "On Demand" freebies


2.) Tim Curry-- you've still got it, you charming, curly-locked motherfucker.

This is a post about internet piracy, or more specifically, blog piracy. Or even more specifically, blog plagiarism. Or, even more specifically, plagiarizing my blog.

Now, before you all pick up lit tiki-torches and rusty scythes in preparation for the merciless hunting down and eviscerating of the scum who would dare besmirch and befoul this sacred blog with the smut and smegma of plagiarism, relax. Nobody's done it.

At least, I don't think anybody's done it.

I mean, why would anybody do it would have to be the first question I would ask about the hypothetical plagiarizer. Well, it would be my second question, really, immediately following "Is his penis bigger than mine?"

Maybe it's just my basement-low self-confidence, but why someone (with any size penis) would plagiarize my blog is kind of beyond my ability to comprehend. First of all, there are a lot better blogs out there to plagiarize and/or pirate-rape than mine, of that I am absolutely sure. I read some of them. Some of the ones that are way, way, way better than mine are either too painful for me to read, or I just can't understand them. I mean, I don't walk around with a Thesaurus wedged between my asscheeks. That would be very difficult to do, and would require funny trousers.

But maybe I need to think about bucking up my self-image a little bit. I mean, I'm Is-reali sexy (thanks, Magpie-- I laughed. Mission accomplished.) Aside from that, I done writes good. I bring home a paycheck (notice I left out any hint of an adjective there). I've never run over a pedestrian, accidentally or otherwise, and all aberrant behaviors of mine consisting of a wooden-handled axe were committed before age 10.

So, like, why shouldn't lazy, talentless hacks try to pass off my work as their own? I mean-- what? I'm not good enough to fucking copy? I'll show you motherfuckers who's good enough to copy.



Oh, God. Somebody please pay attention to me. It's so cold in here. It's so goddamn cold....

Now, the very astute/Aspergian of you might have noticed that I recently added some legalese mumbojumbo horseshit on the righthand side of my blog. I did it because, well, I noticed lots of other bloggers doing it and I thought, "Well, if they're all wrapping lacey thongs around their necks while they masturbate and are snorting crushed-up Ritalin in the work bathroom, then you can bet your sweet ass that I'd better start doing it."

Believe me, I've resisted peer-pressure my whole life, and all my morals ever got me were seriously jacked-up teeth, poor vision and asthma. So, time to start following the masses, methinks.

I've never liked people who plagiarize. I think they probably suffer from a vitamin deficiency or were suckled on cold tot milk mixed with lead paint shavings. I mean, what's the point of having a blog, which is supposed to be your exclusively narcissistic venue for creative self-expression only to use someone else's literary masturbatory gooplings? It's like paying $150/hr to see a shrink and then telling the pointy-nosed prick someone else's life story.

That's stupid.

But, then, people are stupid. Especially Americans. Just ask my father. He'd love to tell you all about it. And, if you give him your cell-number, he'll text you all day like a 12-year-old girl. Totes.

It's funny-- writing this post has kind of got me all fired up. I hope somebody does plagiarize me now. I'd love to meet the person who would plagiarize off "My Masonic Apron." I wonder if it would be a guy or a girl. I wonder if they'd have some kind of fucked up birth defect, like eleven fingers or a nostril on the back of their head or something like that. Chances are, they'd probably just be a miserly asshole with glasses like me. The worst part is, I don't know if I would be able to readily overcome the feeling of immense pride at being flattered by someone who loved my words so much that they just had to try getting away with attaching their name to my work. I'd probably really like the guy.

And that would make removing his uvula with a salmonella-encrusted olive fork very upsetting for me.


  1. One of my favorite authors, Jen Lancaster, just posted on her blog that she was pirated by a word stealing pirate. Which I found hilarious- because it's ridiculous to do that to anyone but a famous, published author??? What a fucking dumbass. She has staff that are trolling the internet for that kind of stuff. But then Jen posted the links to the stolen stuff, and her FB page and this pirate apparently was pretty much ambushed. This just means I need to start reading my blogs more often because I missed all the fun.

  2. Hey, I like Pirates of Penzance . . .

  3. Suzie--

    Me, too! If you're a G&Saholic, you've found your home.

    I even grew out a real walrus-style moustache and period sideburns to play Major-General Stanley. And I only fucked up his song once. But it was during a matinee, so I don't think any of the ninety-year-old audience members heard/cared.

  4. Now I want to copy you and get my work protected!

    So, your post accomplished exactly what you wanted it to. See?

  5. Your CC license allows people to copy your work.

    The 'nd' part of the license means that one cannot tweak it in any way, but anyone is still free to copy, without limit, any amount of your writing, provided that somewhere, they attribute it to you.

  6. Nate-dawg:

    Oh. Right. I knew that.

    The pressing questions remain:

    1.) Why?


    2.) Will their penises be bigger than mine?

  7. Yaaargh, you be rockin' the boat fairly, Cap'n! Be careful what ye wish fer or ye may find yersilf trapped in Davy Jones' Locker!!

    Yeah, I have no idea what pirates sound like, except apparently they're all Somalian now so I'm guessing not like that.

    My bad.

  8. Magpie: If I get trapped in Davey Jones's locker, will he sing "Daydream Believer" to me all night?

  9. Our Major Stanley messed up his lines, too, but he was 80 years old, so it worked perfectly. :)


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