Welcome back to another edition of "Dear Apron" where we school the dumbshits who whine about their hopeless lives to "Dear Abby." Maybe one day this will become a real advice column.
But probably not.
After all, it's not cloying, and it's not sychophantic, and it's certainly not helpful.
I am newly single after a 30-year marriage. Would you please explain to me the protocol regarding intimacy? After how many dates is it appropriate to engage in intimacy? And afterward, should the man call the woman or the woman call the man? How long should one wait before calling? I'm afraid if I call too soon I'll appear needy, and if I wait too long to call I'll appear to be a player. -- TENTATIVE TOM IN TAMPA
DEAR TENTATIVE TOM:
Newly single after a 30-year marriage? Wait a minute-- your real name wouldn't happen to be John Edwards, would it?
Seriously, though, Mr. Edwards, I'm glad you asked. There's a lot of old men running around with prescriptions for Cialis who have dumped their sag-ass wives in favor of the perceived excitement of the dating scene and hidden sorority lavatory cameras. I applaud you for getting back out into the dating world with your eyes open and your pants down. Here's what you need to know:
The "protocol regarding intimacy" hasn't changed much since you were a lad. Men are still perceived as being completely inept when it comes to cunnilingus. It's been proven by Oprah and some woman doctor somewhere that 87% of men can't even spell it. Breasts are still awesome and there is no such thing as a "female orgasm" so don't even waste your time.
What has probably changed since you last were dating are rules about domestic violence. Punching your S.O. (we're calling them S.O.'s now) in the face repeatedly while in bed no longer constitutes rough sex, unless you are in a garage rock band or are at least a B-List celebrity.
Also, women are more prone to heart disease than they were thirty years ago, and their symptoms differ from the "classic heart attack symptoms" so, while engaging in intimacy, be sure to constantly ask your S.O. if she is experiencing back pain, a shoulder ache, nausea, or jaw pain. Obviously, if you're punching her in the jaw at the time, you don't need to ask about that last one.
People are always on about how many dates can you go on before engaging in "intimacy." Senator, define "intimacy." I mean, for me, intimacy is snuggling on the couch with my wife, having a cup of Irish Breakfast while watching Tim Gunn rip some limp-wristed, incompetent designer a new one with a combination of wry humor and passive-aggressive commentary. For you, I can tell that it's obviously donkey-punching some poor broad while jazzing all over her skylight. And that's just what it is.
If you're banging the sort of chick I think you're banging, then 1/2-a-date, and you should be good to go.
Now, your question about calling your S.O. after intimacy is a good one. Thirty years ago, there were these things called "payphones." They don't really exist anymore, so, if you're trying to call your woman, you're going to have to use something called a "cellular telephone." They're awfully funny looking, and they don't have cords or round rotary looking things that get all grimey with fingerpoo. And, on some of them, you can type short little words with lots of consonants on them and zip them out into the clouds-- like, "thnx 4 the bj. i = hiv+ l8tr"
DEAR APRON: I recently experienced an awkward situation. I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in about four years. The last time I saw her she was pregnant. I asked about her baby, and she informed me that he had died a few months after his birth.
She clearly found the memory sad, but at the same time had moved on. I didn't want to force her to re-experience the event by asking her what happened, but it seemed rude to abruptly change the subject to some minor matter after such sobering news.
What is the polite thing to say when someone tells you about a tragedy, but long after it happened? -- WORDS FAIL ME, PEKIN, ILL.
Oh, MAN! That is SO FUCKING AWKWARD! That's like, "Oh, how's your husband doing?" and she's all like, "He's gay-- left me for a dentist last June." And you're like, "Oh, MAN! That is SO FUCKING AWKWARD!"
Damn. So awkward.
So, to answer your question: "What is the polite thing to say when someone tells you about a tragedy, but long after it happened?" I guess I can offer you a few ideas. You roll with whichever seems to make you the most comfortable. Practice them in front of the mirror, or the former mother of a dead baby:
* "Oh, MAN! That is SO FUCKING AWKWARD!"
* "Whoa. Sucks. Wanna see some pictures of my kid? She's in Pre-K!"
* "Oh my God-- you killed her!"
* "Well, at least I didn't have to find out about it on Facebook."
* "Why wasn't I invited to the funeral? God, Jeannie, you are such a bitch."
* "Are you sure she wasn't just sleeping?"
* "Hey, we all have problems. I mean, I had this pebble in my shoe all day last week, it was so annoying."
* "Cool. Wanna go to Starbucks?"
When I was married I had an affair with a married man. We had a child together, and I divorced my husband. When the affair ended, child support was never mentioned, and for the last nine years I have raised my daughter by myself.
I am recently married to a wonderful man who takes care of both of us very well. My daughter has never asked anything about her father, but I know down the road she'll want to know what happened. I don't know when I should talk to her about this, and if I should take any legal steps to claim child support. Part of me feels that I should go for it; part of me is saying I should just let it go. Your thoughts, please? -- AMBIVALENT IN PLANO, TEXAS
My thoughts, please? Well, thank you for asking so politely. You must have been raised very well. Not well enough to know that marital infidelity is morally reprehensible, but well enough to at least feign appropriate behavior.
Here are my thoughts. Please.
You are a whore. You don't deserve child support, or your child, and you certainly don't deserve to be married to your "wonderful man who takes care of both of you very well."
By the way-- when are you planning on cheating on him? Try to fit it into your schedule at some point. I can't wait for your next money-grubbing, cumstained letter.