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Sunday, March 14, 2010

Get Your Breasts Off of My Lettuce

Dear Andy Boy Pre-Packaged Romaine Lettuce:

Get your breasts off of my lettuce. When I open my refrigerator and pull out the cool, wet, crinkly packaged of lettuce, all I want to think about is the rapidly impending saladocity that my lips are about to encounter, attractively schmeared with dollops and dabbles of Kraft Spicy Ranch dressing.

Although it may come as a surprise to you, when I am dealing with lettuce, or any leafy green for that matter, I don't want to be thinking about breasts.

Especially ones with cancer in them.

So, seriously: can my lettuce please stop supporting breast cancer survivors and advocating for greater breast cancer awareness?

Andy Boy, can't lettuce just be fucking lettuce?

I understand that when I buy Milkbone products, I might get some sappy-assed ploy for me to donate to the SPCA with a picture of some sloppy-assed bassett hound looking at me with its sad, cracked out eyes. That makes sense. Malignant tits, however, and lettuce do not mix.

And, while you're at it, can you please tell Susan G. komen to keep her tots off my Kitchenaid hand mixer?

And, Andy Boy-- if you've got pals at the Coca Cola Bottling Company, the Red Dress Foundation is getting their boobies all up ons a brotha's Diet Coke. Okay, maybe not their boobies, but their diseased hearts. And a woman's boobie is over her heart, last time I checked.

It's insulting when corporate America pretends to give a shit about women, or children, or Koreans. You motherfuckers just want our money, and that's fine.

Take it. We just want our lettuce.



  1. Amen. :) I also really wish that people who want donations would stop sending me requests every other week. Like shit- I just gave you $10...that's it for the year yo. Don't try to sway me with your fancy address labels.

  2. Has anyone else ever received the ones in the mail with a nickel glued on? I forget which organization it is, but their aim is for you to draw an association between the nickel and their cause, so you feel guilty every time you look at a nickel.

  3. Loving your blog! The most amazing thing is the "pink tide" where everything is pink - lettuce bags, kitchen knives, toilet plungers, but the companies never actually say where the money is going to...because its going right into their pockets, not to breast cancer research (or any other charitable cause).

  4. Ok, so all I could think of when you posted this is those 'i love boobies' bracelets that are floating around in our cultural ether. They are (purportedly) being sold to raise funds for breast cancer....I dunno. I'm on the fence over whether or not I think they are ridiculous or if I kinda want one.

    Salad fodder is one thing, but a fund raiser you can actually wear...well, I think I can be all about that.

  5. When I worked in market research, we did some packaging testing for a paper towel manufacturer. They wanted to see which packaging would sell better. The difference in question? Whether the packaging advertised that sales would support breast cancer research or the Jimmy Fund.

    Like you're saying: it's all about sales. Sigh.

  6. BLT = Breast, Lettuce, & Tomato Sandwich.


    Hold the Tumor.

  7. Dude, you're a tad sassy there. No one would care at all if products/companies didn't support foundations like that.

    It's the American way... If doesn't affect me, screw it.

    You should talk to breast cancer survivors. It's no laughing matter.


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