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Tuesday, March 2, 2010


I love my eldest sister.

Really, I do.

And I don't say it in that smarmy, sardonic, I-wish-she-would-move-to-Iceland kind of way. I really do love her. I love her like crazy. I love the shit out of her. If she asked me to, I'd singlehandedly strangle every single one of the mice that are currently invading her $237,000 condominium and making it their own private little fart-nest. I love this neurotic, hypochondrical, forty-three-year-old single, emotionally and physically brittle woman but, I swear to everloving Christ, if she doesn't stop sending me e-mail alerts from our township and police department, I am going to kill her.

It won't be fun, and it won't be how I would have wanted it to end for her-- quietly passing away in some nursing home for aged spinsters with chronic digestive issues that minimize flatulence and maximize belching-- but if I get one more motherfucking e-mail alert about petty crime or snow removal ordinances, I will visit her in the wee hours of the evening, and plug up every orifice of hers used for breathing with a mouse carcass.

So help me.

She signed up for this service that sends an email (and a text message!) directly to her from the township's headquarters. She signed up for these alerts in July, I think. Now, I don't know how many they send her, but, I got the first one forwarded from her in mid-July. Since then, she has been kind enough to forward me thirty-six emails.

Here's a sampling:


County Health Department will be spraying for West Nile Virus in selected county areas.

The spraying will be done, weather permitting, on Wednesday evening, July 15, 2009 -the rain date will be Friday, July 17th.

Well, thanks, sis. I'll make sure to don my HAZMAT suit, sterile gloves, and my autographed Neil Armstrong space helmet to work on those days.


The County Health Department has scheduled two walk-in H1N1 flu clinics for people in the recommended target groups. These clinics will only offer H1N1 vaccine to those who are in a high priority risk group as determined by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the Pennsylvania State Health Department. There is no charge for the immunization.

Okay, this one was actually helpful. We didn't get our H1N1 shots at the place recommended in this email-- we got them one night on the spur of the moment when my mother called us on the phone at 6:15 and said, "Hi! It's me! Did you two get your swine flu shots? No? Well, get your asses in the fucking car! They're giving them for free at the local elementary school-- but they're stopping at 6:40! Go go go!"




On 10-24-09 at 10:10 P.M., three students were walking together and were robbed by a lone male who implied that he had a weapon (none was seen). One student was struck in the head by a fist when he resisted. The actor fled the scene south on foot. He is described as a dark-skinned black male, about 5'10 tall, wearing a long coat that appeared to be pale blue in color and dark jeans. His clothes were further described as raggedy and shredded.

On 12-10-09, a student was robbed by three males at approximately 8:25 P.M. The student reported that he was driving his vehicle when an unknown object struck his windshield. When he stopped, three individuals appeared - one of them armed with a handgun. The student was robbed of his personal belongings and struck on the head with the gun.

The actors are described below:

#1 White male, approximately 5 tall or shorter, wearing a dark jacket, dark pants, and a bandanna over his face.

#2 White male, approximately 59, wearing a long jacket, jeans and a bandanna covering his face.

#3- White male, approximately 6 tall, wearing a long jacket with stripes, jeans, and a bandanna covering his face; armed with a black handgun.

Why the fuck is she sending this to me? I haven't been a "student" in the undergraduate sense of the word in eight years.

Also-- don't you love these suspect descriptions? "His clothes were further described as raggedy and shredded." I have this image of someone being cold-cocked by the dude from "Corpse Bride." Also, the other one I love, too-- very much. "Approximately 59." What the fuck is that? "Well, it was really late and dark out, and I didn't get a real good look at him-- but he was approximately 59."



The township has experienced two burglaries of commercial properties and two residential burglaries. The residential burglaries occurred during evening and early morning hours. Entries to both residences were by force (breaking in). Residents are advised to use their alarm system if they have one, to secure their residence at all times and to use lighting inside and outside as a deterrence.

Wow. Well, that's great fucking advice. Thanks a lot, McGruff. Want a treat?


This one has to be my all-time favorite. I swear I'm not making it up, it's word-for-word.


Police are investigating the theft of nearly three dozen rats and mice from a local college research facility some time between May 22 and May 24.

According to police, someone entered an area where the mice were kept and
took 25 black and brown research mice. Nearby, nine white rats were also

Along with the mouse thefts, 19 cages, water bottles and food was also
missing from the building.

What I think is most funny about this one is that the crime allegedly happened in late May, 2009. The alert went out January 28th, 2010. Does anybody really think that these fucking mice are still alive, and does anybody seriously give a shit? Obviously, judging from the eight month time-lag, the answer to the latter question is "no."

It's likely, though, that the mice have bred in that time span. Maybe they're the ones shitting up her condo.



Somebody please stop my sister. She is bombarding my email account with horseshit, irrelevant, ridiculous municipal updates that I couldn't give a stolen rodent's red twat about. She was last observed sitting at her laptop nibbling her cuticles, knocking back a protein shake and obsessing over whether or not she is as up-to-the-minute on the local police blotter as she possibly could be. If you see this woman, please notify the authorities at once to have her commited to the local spinstertarium.


  1. I think you need to sign her up for eHarmony or some shit. She needs to find a new friend and possibly have a lot of random sex to distract her from this. (Is it possible to get her removed from the alerts? Because I would do that to my brother. It's like an intervention)

  2. this is so fucking hilarious! i'm sorry you're so tormented by these emails but it totally made my morning sooooo...

    "plug up every orifice of hers used for breathing with a mouse carcass"

    hahahahaha...aaah...that's great.

  3. Hilarious. You've said so much about your sister with each of these entries without having to tell us - you've shown us. Great stuff.

    One night, several years ago, my sister sent me a text message at 3 in the morning once, randomly telling me, Maria, men can lurk in dark corners or hide behind cars. Never go to unlit areas at night by yourself!

    She sent this from the other room, and she knew I in bed sleeping. Sisters are strange.


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