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Sunday, March 14, 2010

Say My Name, Bitch!

Hi. I drive a PT Cruiser.

I feel kind of, I don't know... weird about driving a car when I don't know what its name means.

I mean-- what does "PT" stand for? I guess, because of my car's recent predilection for only starting when the key is pounded into the ignition with the sole of my shoe, and only sometimes, the "PT" could more recently stand for "Part Time."

It's my "Part Time" Cruiser. It only works, you know, sometimes.

P.T. Barnum's "PT" stood for "Phineas Taylor" which I think is way too cool to have abbreviated. If my name were "Phineas" I wouldn't abbreviate it anyway. Well, I might have done it in high school.

In any event, thinking about my car's name got me thinking about other car's names, and how appropriate, or inappropriate they may be. My wife's car, for one, is very aptly named:

The Honda Fit.

It has neat, cute little compartments inside-- an upper and a lower glovebox, for instance, and somwhere or other, every little totschkie and doodad and tampon and nickel fits. The cute, pert size of the car also lends itself well to the name and, every time we back it into a seemingly too-too-tight parking spot, we're always delightedly to gaily exclaim, "It Fits!"

Yup-- hasn't gotten old yet.

Other car names, especially ones named after geographic locales, well, maybe don't quite... fit.

Take, for example, the gorgeous town in Northern France, overlooking the magnificent Strait of Dover:


Gorgeous, isn't it? One day, after proper sedation, I will board an airplane with my wife that will possibly go down somwhere in that lovely water. If not, we may be fortunate enough to spend time on the Cote d'Opale, which offers fantastic views of the White Cliffs of Dover, and, on a cloudless day, an unmatched panorama of the English and French coast. It is truly, I am sure, a sight to behold.

Now, feast your eyes, if you will, on Oldsmobile's tribute to this fabled city, a city that was the inspiration for...

The Oldsmobile Calais Coupe

I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Some asshole at General Motors banged a whore in Calais on the company dime, flew back to Detroit and named THAT after Calais? I'd love to meet that guy and knee him in the nuts. Fortunately, I'm sure he killed himself a long time ago.

Next, we come to that famed playground for the rich and famous, home to royalty and celebrities alike-- a place that is known for high-rollers and jet-setters, the sun-drenched, sophisticated, sumptuous


Can't you just taste the classiness? Doesn't this image just exude everything that is lush and luscious about Monaco? Can't you just picture yourself, on the arm of some attractive, sunglass-wearing, nice-smelling wealthy individual, sipping something delightfully intoxicating whilst strolling down a sun-dappled boulevard pretending to understand French?

You can? I'd love you to tell me all about it-- in English, preferably. And, when you're done, could you then tell me if you think of all of these things when you look at

The Dodge Monaco

No, unless you have a serious emotional disorder, you don't think of any of those things when you look at this car. When you look at this car, you think two things:

1.) When did Rosco P. Coltrane go undercover?


2.) Why don't I read this blog with an air-sickness bag close by?

If you're feeling randy, there's a small island nation near Trinidad and Tobago that you might want to drop in on. It's lush and beautiful-- it's sometimes referred to as "The Spice Isle" for its bounty of cloves, ginger, nutmeg and other delectables. It's as sunwashed and sealoved as you could want. It's


Nice, huh? Want to see how Henry Ford's heirs tipped their proverbial hats to Grenada in the 1970s? Behold:

The Ford Grenada

Wow, right?

Of course, it's very possible that Ford's marketing execs didn't see Grenada in its full glory when they popped by for a visit. Maybe they named this vehicle after viewing one of Grenada's notorious hurricanes, which would make more sense given the aesthetics of the car.


  1. Oh come now. How could you pass up any of these vehicles??? I mean shit- trade the PT in for a grenada. The liklihood of you surviving a crash is probably better and as an added bonus- your car will likely still be fully intact.

  2. What about the Chevy Malibu? As my husband often asks, what self-respecting male would want to drive a car named after a Ken doll?

    I drove a Malibu in college and loved it. It totally "fit."

  3. Are you one of Those People that sit, petrified, in their seats, muttering prayers as turbulence rocks the plane?

    You people make me laugh!

  4. Muttering prayers? What good would that do? Do you know how many airplanes "God" has allowed to go down since Kitty Hawk?

  5. I can say with some confidence that I'd rather drive a Ford Grenada than go back to that godforsaken island.
    But that's just me.

  6. Can I exclaim "It fits!" with you guys? Hahaha, it's so funny! Anyways, do you know that some car companies hire brand consulting firms to come up with names for their new models? I don't know why those you cited used places such as Monaco and Grenada, but one thing's for sure: naming a car model involves intensive research and a lot of money.


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