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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Doctor, Doctor: Gimme My Designer Vaginer

People who still read the newspaper, I think, do so for lots of different reasons.

I think a lot of people who read the newspaper do so mainly so they can feel superior to those who don't. (Isn't that an obnoxious thing to say? If you want more, raid the archives.)

Of course, nobody feels more superior than the people who still read the newspaper in print. But we know what they're up to. They're the kind of people who refuse to get cable and microwaves, just so they can stand on ceremony and talk about what purists they are and how they delight in and concurrently suffer for their insistence on eschewing technology.

People like, oh, my parents.


Some people read the newspaper to find out who got shot or stabbed or raped or arsoned overnight. If you're not a nightowl, you know that a lot happens in the smaller and larger world after you've rubbed Noxzema onto your hands and/or onto your lover's erect penis and gone to bed. Waking up and checking out the newspaper is like finding a veritable gold mine of stray bullets, sirens, semen, and aggravated battery.

Other people read the newspaper to see what that bald-ass motherfucker, Ziggy, is up to, and to see if he's been hired by Ikea to star in a new series of their Ektorp instruction manuals with the strange-looking potato people.

I read the newspaper. Kind of. Over the course of the last year, I consult and mostly to see if there is appropriate blog fodder, but I'm also semi-interested in who got gang-banged and bang-ganged overnight. In Philadelphia, lots of people do, so it's good to try to keep track if you can. It's not easy.

Sometimes, though, I'll check out a feature article or two if a title piques my interest. That is, after all, what titles are supposed to do, as I learned in 4th, 6th, 8th, 10th grades, and again in Journalism 210: "Media for the Chromosomally-Challenged" intro class in college. You never know what you're going to find. A local high school's scabby, bespectacled tech gurus are secretly webcam photographing young, lithe students doing homework on their laptops in their tank-tops and underoos... two rabid raccoons are on the loose causing havoc with ritzy resident's toy poodles and pomeranians... some crazy white woman is recruiting for the Taliban...

Oh, and friendly, resourceful, creative plastic surgeons in my neighborhood are helping out women with deep pocketbooks by giving them "designer vaginas."


That's right, Pussy. You heard me. Designer vaginas.

Here's how it started...

Like all things that are now absurd, ridiculous and ethically dubious, this particular practice started out innocuously enough as a way to assist women with actual medical problems, like a vagina that looked like it had been put through a wheat thresher due to the passing of obese triplets or a panther child. Women with certain urinary tract conditions have been helped by physicians who have reconstructed various components of both the interior and exterior urogenital system.

And that's very nice.

But, just like facial plastic surgery, which was originally intended for burn victims and car crash survivors and people who stood too close to turbo-prop plane propellers, the practice of vagectomies (my word-- patent-pending) has gone, well, awry.

Enter: financial crisis.

Now, if you're a wealthy individual, and you've been advised by your Wealth Management Consultant that you need to tighten your purse-strings, what's the first thing you're going to cut, after downsizing from a Maserati to a Maybach, donating a small selection of your mink stole collection to science, and selling off your least attractive female child to a hairy-chested guy named Manolo?

You're going to give your plastic surgery budget a little nip and tuck.

After all, you've probably had your ass lifted and your cheekbones cracked and your eyelids stapled and your tits re-woodblocked-- so, really, there couldn't be that much left to do besides sandpapering and varnishing your forehead.

Enter: the vagina.

"Because of the recession, most cosmetic surgeons are doing far less [business] than they have in previous years, but I'm busier than ever," said one area plastic surgeon who partially credits vaginoplasties and labiaplasties with his practice's success. "Women want to look good all over and feel better, too."

Well, doc, they sure do, don't they?

Now, if you want the "perfect vagina" you can get one that's totally made-to-measure. Your dumb-ass, lumbering ox of a lover can't find your G-Spot? Apparently, some plastic surgeons can give you a "G-Shot" which is exactly what you're hoping it isn't: a shot of collagen to surgically enlarge your G-Spot. Maybe they can even coat it in neon reflective paint to make it easier to see in the dark, too.

If that image isn't disturbing enough, what pops into your cooch when you think of the word "hymenoplasty?"

That's right: they can make you a brand new hymen, so no one will ever have to know. Think of the possibilities! It's positively clit-boggling.

Critics say that these practices are tantamount to genital mutilation but, surprisingly, the plastic surgeons don't seem to phased by the critique. It must be all that money they're making from desperate housewives who want their "vaginal area to feel like a teenager, really. It's like back to its original state," one local hausfrau said.

Really? Back to its original state? That sounds a far lot younger than "teenager" to me, and that makes me positively ill. Your husband must be a very sick individual if he thinks your vagina going back to its "original state" is a good thing.

Life's funny, you know? I went to the vet yesterday to have our new puppy, Molly, all checked out. The vet was all but awestruck as he entered the room, spending a moment or two just to gaze at her.

"You know," he said, "she's just beautiful. I'll bet her genetic make-up would be very interesting."

I smiled and rolled my eyes at the same time, to indicate how I felt about pursuing that particular avenue of financial ruin.

"Well," he said, "if you ever run into a large sum of money that's just burning a hole in your pocket, and you can't think of absolutely anything else reasonable or prudent to spend it on, maybe you'll spring for it-- just for the heck of it."

I nodded my head and stroked Molly's head.

Or maybe I'll just get cockectomy to make the tip of my penis resemble the head of a bald eagle.


  1. Lol, "vagectomy". There are many things I could say about this; how I oppose plastic surgery when it's applied for vain reasons, how there is no "original state" of the vagina as our body is always in its original state (there's no stopping aging after all) unless we mutate, and how looking & feeling good does not so much depend on looks as it does on self-esteem, but there's no point really, because I think it goes without saying. Although I've said it anyway now. No elaboration required I think, unless you'd like to start a social discussion on plastic surgery here.

    And yeah, what's up with restoring hymens? How many times would those women like to have it restored? And what's the use of it anyway? They could keep seeing that plastic surgeon after every penetration, what has happened to common sense?

    Ah, I just can't get my head around it. Some things will always remain a mystery to me.

    Funny post though.

  2. There are concessions I will make in the name of attracting males because they inherently make me feel better and more hygienic. I'm not a feminist in terms of burning bras and adhering to cavewoman standards of bathing and grooming.

    But what does having a designer vagina mean? There is a standard now of what a vagina is supposed to look like? Women (like Heidi Montag) seem to be in the pursuit of being this "perfect" female with all the physical attributes men are supposed to be find attractive.

    Which is just deeply troubling for many reasons I will not waste your comment space about. But I think we're on the same page, Mr. Apron.

  3. Wow. Let me tell you something- I lost my virginity once and it wasn't a fun experience. So why would I want to do it again? And what the hell is a vagina supposed to look like? Aren't they all the same? Because mine looks pretty similar to what I see on porn videos. :)

  4. So not nearly as shudder worthy as a vag-o-plasty, but still worth a mention I think is the 'vajazzle'.

    Vagina + bedazzle = vajazzle.

    Jennifer Love Hewitt does it. You can thank me later for that mental image.

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