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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

On My Ass

My car has a big ass.

It's shaped like the ass of a daycare worker, or a 911 dispatcher, or a lousy Eddie Murphy character: it's large and in charge.

I don't like my car, but I love my car's ass, because that's how I roll, cuz.

My car's ass bears lots of bumper stickers-- and not obnoxious ones like "Visualize World Peace" or "My Child Has a 4.0 GPA and Yours Is Retarded." Here's a few bumper stickers that I'd like to see on the butts of Oldsmobuicks the world over:

"I Love It When You Tap My Ass"

"There Is No Body Inside This Trunk"

"There Is a Body Inside This Trunk"

"Why Have I Never Had Sex in This Car?"

"Stop Applying Makeup While You're Driving: You Look Like a Muppet"

"Marijuana: It's What's Up"

"It's Okay, It's Not a Toyota"

"Is It Wrong That I Live in Here?"

"I Use Bumper-Stickers as a Cheap Substitute for Actual Personality"

"I Know-- I Drive Like Your Grandma. I'm Sorry, I Thought You'd Appreciate the Tribute"

"Yes, It is Hard to Drive With My Head Up My Ass"

"I'm Watching Squirting Porn on my In-Dash DVD Player"

"I Realize That This is a Totally Unacceptable Car for Me to Drive at This Stage in my Life"

"This Car is Wrong on So Many Levels"

"Politics Are Gay"

"Bring the Troops Home. To My Home. I've Made Cupcakes."

"I'm Not Drunk, I'm Foreign/Diabetic/Psychologically Maladjusted/Nervous/from Trenton"

"If This Car is Ever Seen at a Denny's, Please Enter the Restaurant and Shoot Me in the Face"


  1. YES! I think you found your new job. You are a bumper sticker maker person. I will buy them! And randomly stick them on cars. old college past time of mine. :)

  2. I want every single one of those bumper stickers! Amazing! lol

    you always put cheeky sunshine into my day!

  3. Maybe not a bumper sticker, but speaking of Toyota...

    "Helping you move forward. Even if you don't want to"

  4. Awesome. Those were hilarious. I think I would accidently ass slam a car that had a "Marijuana: It's What's Up" sticker.

  5. I'm sick of "My kid is an Honor Student".

    I want one that says, "My kid is a Future Serial Killer".

    And then in fine print, it could say, "Who preys on Honor Students"

  6. OK. As a daycare worker I'm fully offended. Or I would be if my butt were smaller.

    I love the "bumper stickers are a substitute for actual personality" - true that, homie.

  7. haha yeah i don't like bumper stickers normally. clever ones!


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