So, There's This Thing...

So, there's this thing called "Featured Blogger" on http://www.20sb.net/. It's a forum for overwhelmed, attention-seeking emotiwhores like myself who, as noted in a prior blog, are straddling the divide between zits and wrinkles-- some doing so better than others.

Every month, 20something bloggers plucks a blogger from the environs and plops his or her (mostly her) mug on their homepage for the duration of the month, and ravenous content-hungry plebians flock there en masse hoping to find pearls of wisdom to live by, or at least a humorous anecdote about shoes or boys.

Members of 20something bloggers must vote on who they feel, for whatever meritorious conduct, who ought to be featured. Now, without pulling my own pud, I'm honored to say that, for the past few months, My Masonic Apron has been mentioned favorably and has garnered its fair share of votes. But I've never won. Because life is, at its core, virulently antisemitic.

No, seriously-- everyone hates Jews. Especially other Jews.

But I think the real reason I've never won is because there's never been an organized, grassroots, pull-em-by-the-short-curlies, bible-thumpin', ass-rapin' campaign to raise me to the top of the podium, where I rightfully belong as a slightly misanthropic, decidedly myopic, ill-mannered troll with a decent vocabulary and a smattering of scoliosis.

Well, a day or so ago, one of my very nice readers, Maria M. from No One Reads the Copy (which is patently untrue, Maria) dropped me a line and said something akin to, "Hey, Apron-- everyone who's a featured blogger on 20sb is a girl and is snarky and talks about fashion. It's all the same-- you write obsessively every day and aren't a girl and you obviously know nothing about fashion: you should be a featured 20sb blogger-- what the fuck?!" And I was like, "Yeah, but I don't like self-promotion." And she was like, "Shut the fuck up and show us your balls, you little faggot."

I'm paraphrasing, of course, despite the quotation marks which are admittedly misleading.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea. I'm kind of an underdog in this world. I don't catch your eye with pretty pictures of dogs and cats hugging or take up space with inane cupcake recipies or clips from old SNL episodes or bad poetry, or even drunk texts or rants about how my roommate's room smells like feet. Why shouldn't I be a featured whatever, right? The only thing is-- I swore to myself (I do that a lot) that I wouldn't come to you to ask you to vote for me unless I could think of a decent, solid list of compelling reasons why you should do just that.

So, after much deliberation, care, and ointment, here we go:

* I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of the Communist Party.

* I believe everyone is entitled to full, complete, and comprehensive healthcare. Except North Koreans over the age of 82, persons with a total of seven fingers, and the guy who lives across the street from me and always parks his black Passat wagon the wrong way. Fuck him, you know?

* I just showered, and I smell all nice and pretty. I even used conditioner!

* I believe that furry, wild animals should be appreciated and admired from a distance, and not shot at from helicopters.

* I've never stolen anything-- except for when I worked on the street as an EMT. That was like theft city. I don't know what got into me back then. I stole fucking everything! Brightly-colored nitrile gloves from ERs were my favorite-- I would stuff every single pocket of mine full with them-- and EMTs have lots of pockets. Blankets and pillows from other ambulances in the company were another easy target, and I even stole a goddamn penlight for my wife who needed it for her graduate studies. Goddamn thing didn't even light up when I brought it home to her.

* I've never cheated on my wife, and that's something that a lot of people in politics have a real problem with. And, if I did cheat on her, I wouldn't expect her to "stand by her man." I would expect, and fully support, her inserting her pinkie fingernail straight into my urethra and then inserting my shaft into a jar of acid.

* The only times I get caught in "compromising positions" are when I'm onstage-- so it's okay.

* I've never invaded Poland.

* I promise that, if elected to the supremely coveted position of Featured Blogger I will never:

-- pardon a Goddamn turkey
-- hold an Easter Egg Roll on my lawn
-- pardon a Goddamn criminal
-- read "The Cat in the Hat" to a bunch of zonked-out school children
-- use a Tele-Prompter
-- wear a flag pin
-- say "My fellow" anything
-- fuck an intern
-- fuck a sheep
-- fuck over a significant portion of the population
-- stare off vacantly into space while some asshole takes a black-and-white picture of me
-- become Protestant
-- eat babies
-- masturbate all over the ceiling of the Lincoln Bedroom
-- inhale
-- reveal classified photographs of Henry Kissingers breasts
-- pick you-know-who as my Vice Presidential running mate
-- drop-kick George Stephanopolous on national television
-- wear a bra under my suit

Please. If you're twenty-something, and a member of 20sb, be a good citizen, and not a little bitch. Vote for My Masonic Apron right here.