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A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

So, There's This Thing...

So, there's this thing called "Featured Blogger" on It's a forum for overwhelmed, attention-seeking emotiwhores like myself who, as noted in a prior blog, are straddling the divide between zits and wrinkles-- some doing so better than others.

Every month, 20something bloggers plucks a blogger from the environs and plops his or her (mostly her) mug on their homepage for the duration of the month, and ravenous content-hungry plebians flock there en masse hoping to find pearls of wisdom to live by, or at least a humorous anecdote about shoes or boys.

Members of 20something bloggers must vote on who they feel, for whatever meritorious conduct, who ought to be featured. Now, without pulling my own pud, I'm honored to say that, for the past few months, My Masonic Apron has been mentioned favorably and has garnered its fair share of votes. But I've never won. Because life is, at its core, virulently antisemitic.

No, seriously-- everyone hates Jews. Especially other Jews.

But I think the real reason I've never won is because there's never been an organized, grassroots, pull-em-by-the-short-curlies, bible-thumpin', ass-rapin' campaign to raise me to the top of the podium, where I rightfully belong as a slightly misanthropic, decidedly myopic, ill-mannered troll with a decent vocabulary and a smattering of scoliosis.

Well, a day or so ago, one of my very nice readers, Maria M. from No One Reads the Copy (which is patently untrue, Maria) dropped me a line and said something akin to, "Hey, Apron-- everyone who's a featured blogger on 20sb is a girl and is snarky and talks about fashion. It's all the same-- you write obsessively every day and aren't a girl and you obviously know nothing about fashion: you should be a featured 20sb blogger-- what the fuck?!" And I was like, "Yeah, but I don't like self-promotion." And she was like, "Shut the fuck up and show us your balls, you little faggot."

I'm paraphrasing, of course, despite the quotation marks which are admittedly misleading.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea. I'm kind of an underdog in this world. I don't catch your eye with pretty pictures of dogs and cats hugging or take up space with inane cupcake recipies or clips from old SNL episodes or bad poetry, or even drunk texts or rants about how my roommate's room smells like feet. Why shouldn't I be a featured whatever, right? The only thing is-- I swore to myself (I do that a lot) that I wouldn't come to you to ask you to vote for me unless I could think of a decent, solid list of compelling reasons why you should do just that.

So, after much deliberation, care, and ointment, here we go:

* I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of the Communist Party.

* I believe everyone is entitled to full, complete, and comprehensive healthcare. Except North Koreans over the age of 82, persons with a total of seven fingers, and the guy who lives across the street from me and always parks his black Passat wagon the wrong way. Fuck him, you know?

* I just showered, and I smell all nice and pretty. I even used conditioner!

* I believe that furry, wild animals should be appreciated and admired from a distance, and not shot at from helicopters.

* I've never stolen anything-- except for when I worked on the street as an EMT. That was like theft city. I don't know what got into me back then. I stole fucking everything! Brightly-colored nitrile gloves from ERs were my favorite-- I would stuff every single pocket of mine full with them-- and EMTs have lots of pockets. Blankets and pillows from other ambulances in the company were another easy target, and I even stole a goddamn penlight for my wife who needed it for her graduate studies. Goddamn thing didn't even light up when I brought it home to her.

* I've never cheated on my wife, and that's something that a lot of people in politics have a real problem with. And, if I did cheat on her, I wouldn't expect her to "stand by her man." I would expect, and fully support, her inserting her pinkie fingernail straight into my urethra and then inserting my shaft into a jar of acid.

* The only times I get caught in "compromising positions" are when I'm onstage-- so it's okay.

* I've never invaded Poland.

* I promise that, if elected to the supremely coveted position of Featured Blogger I will never:

-- pardon a Goddamn turkey
-- hold an Easter Egg Roll on my lawn
-- pardon a Goddamn criminal
-- read "The Cat in the Hat" to a bunch of zonked-out school children
-- use a Tele-Prompter
-- wear a flag pin
-- say "My fellow" anything
-- fuck an intern
-- fuck a sheep
-- fuck over a significant portion of the population
-- stare off vacantly into space while some asshole takes a black-and-white picture of me
-- become Protestant
-- eat babies
-- masturbate all over the ceiling of the Lincoln Bedroom
-- inhale
-- reveal classified photographs of Henry Kissingers breasts
-- pick you-know-who as my Vice Presidential running mate
-- drop-kick George Stephanopolous on national television
-- wear a bra under my suit

Please. If you're twenty-something, and a member of 20sb, be a good citizen, and not a little bitch. Vote for My Masonic Apron right here.


  1. Bah. Looks like the replies are already closed…
    I hope you win. I'll share my best cupcake recipe and a picture of my favorite cat if you do.

  2. Ah, well, Ms. Worthy-- that's what I get for mounting the self-promotion donkey bareback.

    I will only accept that photo of your favorite cat if it's hugging a dog.

  3. Daddy A - I tried to vote for you, I really did, but those bitches over at 20SB closed it down by the time I got there. I think they really are undercover Nazis. Next month, friend.

  4. If you refuse to wear a bra, I won't vote for you. ;-)

  5. Haha that's where I found out about you and started following! :-)

  6. i did! but those..... you know what, wont let you win. :(
    do you do guest posts?

  7. Amogh, I've only done it once, I think. It was sort of like having an out-of-body experience. Which was hot.

  8. Rock on Mr. Apron, even though you are shit at paraphrasing.

    My exact sentences contained a lot more swears.

  9. Well if you don't get it then the campaign for April is ON. Which is maybe ok because then you can start bribing now. wink, wink.

  10. "wear a bra under my suit"

    But I would totally kind of pay money to see a kick-ass Jew boy rock a freaking bra. That's how much I love you, dearie.

  11. Update your link Apron! New voting is here:

    I have just kicked off your campaign to be supreme 20SB ruler for the month...

  12. YOU HAVE MY VOTE! unless you think my poetry is bad. mmm. you'd have to have read it to think it's bad, and since i'm pretty sure you haven't, i can safely conclude you do not in fact think my poetry is bad. so, ok, YOU HAVE MY VOTE!

  13. Well, the vote's on for April. I'll consider your win a triumph. I haven't considered myself a big fan of any of the girly blogs that I've seen featured since I joined 20sb, and it'll be really nice to see a change of pace.

    Also, you've never invaded Poland. That's vote-worthy.

  14. Totally talked you up. You owe me.

  15. These better not just be false promises or so help me God I am taking my vote back.

  16. The reason I even clicked on to your blog in the first instance was the fact that everybody seems to love you and you never obsessively self-promote. You know those peeps in 20sb that copy-paste the same.bloody.pitch to and every.bloody.discussion.. I'm often found ranting about it on my blog there. Take a hint peeps, IT'S ANNOYING!

    I promise to vote for you next month if you also promise not to cut your toenails for 6 months. Now THAT's what I call commitment!



Got something to say? Rock on with your badass apron!