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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

An Open Letter to NBC

Dear Peacockheads,

Thank you, NBC, for my great Tuesday face-fuck of the day. At least we've gotten it out of the way nice and early.

Thanks so much for canceling "SouthLAnd," easily the best police drama since "Homicide: Life on the Street."

Thanks, also, for ordering new episodes, promising a season premiere on October 23rd, and then canceling the whole fucking thing on October 12th. Ham-handed, bullshit decisions like this really let your integrity and commitment to excellent programming really shine through.

Now, the most exciting thing on NBC is the occasional glimpse of Erin Burnett's neckline when she fills in on "The Today Show."

And to think that the 10:00pm timeslot "SouthLAnd" originally held was given away to Jay Leno, well, that just makes me want to add some vomit to my cry. Wait till it comes out that that pepper-headed chin-wagger anal-whammed all his interns-- then you're going to wish you'd never given him "SouthLAnd's" coveted 10:00pm timeslot.

Apparently, according to you wise sages, "SouthLAnd" was too "dark" or "serious" or "stark" or "gritty" to go on at 9:00pm, as if "Law & Order" (and its seven thousand incarnations) hasn't been scaring the bejesus out of turtle-necked, bowl-cut losers in the midwest for decades. Of course, what you mean is that it's too sophisticated for 9:00pm, but really it's too sophisticated for NBC. This is unfortunate, and it probably means that cable television will pick it up and run it, free from the incessant bleepings that make it sound like an episode of "The Steve Wilkos Show." Maybe HBO will want your cast-offs.

When I used to watch episodes of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" as a boy of 9 or 10, I didn't understand the frequent derogatory references to BBC Programme Planners, comparing them to imbeciles or children or penguins. Now, though, I get it. You have to have one too many chromosomes, or one too few, to be in television program planning. Take a successful show, with taut, intelligent writing, shocking plot twists, characters people care about, high intensity situations, solid ratings, and then you move the time-slot, order more episodes, and then cancel it two weeks before the season premiere is supposed to air.

This just in: people who behave like first graders are supposed to eat glue, not sniff it.

Mr. Apron

P.S. Jay Leno did me in the butt. Happy now?


  1. I loved E.R like you loved Southland. Southland took E.R's Spot here in Canada and It looked like it was going to be the cop version of E.R. (clever,good story lines, believable)
    I wasnt a fan of Southland because cop shows arent my thing but it WAS very well done.
    Boo N.B.C.

  2. I've not heard of SouthLAnd, it probably hasn't migrated to this side of the pond yet -- but I will have to check it out. And then hope it does get picked up by cable.

  3. You aren't bitter at all, huh?

  4. man- I am equally upset about the cancellation of Southland- and Jay Leno can suck a fat one. stupid tv executives.

  5. You watch too much TV, I see :)
    Stream, man, STREAM!

  6. remember the golden age when tv producers used to take their time and nuture really great shows?

    nbc fuckheads!

  7. To be fair, I think Heroes is on NBC... and there was a lesbian kiss this week. So it can't be all bad.

  8. But, Sebastian-- one of the cops on SouthLAnd is gay and his boyfriend rebuilds a retaining wall for him and they drink beer together in the moonlight... isn't that, like, the same thing as a steamy, lesbian kiss?

    Oh, and I responded to a comment of yours... wanker!

  9. Well done! My most useless, vacuous comment yet... and you reply to THAT!


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