An Open Letter to NBC

Dear Peacockheads,

Thank you, NBC, for my great Tuesday face-fuck of the day. At least we've gotten it out of the way nice and early.

Thanks so much for canceling "SouthLAnd," easily the best police drama since "Homicide: Life on the Street."

Thanks, also, for ordering new episodes, promising a season premiere on October 23rd, and then canceling the whole fucking thing on October 12th. Ham-handed, bullshit decisions like this really let your integrity and commitment to excellent programming really shine through.

Now, the most exciting thing on NBC is the occasional glimpse of Erin Burnett's neckline when she fills in on "The Today Show."

And to think that the 10:00pm timeslot "SouthLAnd" originally held was given away to Jay Leno, well, that just makes me want to add some vomit to my cry. Wait till it comes out that that pepper-headed chin-wagger anal-whammed all his interns-- then you're going to wish you'd never given him "SouthLAnd's" coveted 10:00pm timeslot.

Apparently, according to you wise sages, "SouthLAnd" was too "dark" or "serious" or "stark" or "gritty" to go on at 9:00pm, as if "Law & Order" (and its seven thousand incarnations) hasn't been scaring the bejesus out of turtle-necked, bowl-cut losers in the midwest for decades. Of course, what you mean is that it's too sophisticated for 9:00pm, but really it's too sophisticated for NBC. This is unfortunate, and it probably means that cable television will pick it up and run it, free from the incessant bleepings that make it sound like an episode of "The Steve Wilkos Show." Maybe HBO will want your cast-offs.

When I used to watch episodes of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" as a boy of 9 or 10, I didn't understand the frequent derogatory references to BBC Programme Planners, comparing them to imbeciles or children or penguins. Now, though, I get it. You have to have one too many chromosomes, or one too few, to be in television program planning. Take a successful show, with taut, intelligent writing, shocking plot twists, characters people care about, high intensity situations, solid ratings, and then you move the time-slot, order more episodes, and then cancel it two weeks before the season premiere is supposed to air.

This just in: people who behave like first graders are supposed to eat glue, not sniff it.

Thanks,
Mr. Apron

P.S. Jay Leno did me in the butt. Happy now?

More of the Same

People are funny.

They say they want one thing, and then, when they get it, they profess never to have wanted it in the first place.

This unalterably human paradox is now manifesting itself very early on in the presidency of Barack Obama. People who once were rabidly behind him, chomping at the bit for his every word, unmistakably on his jaun are now starting to turn.

Oh, yeah. It's happening.

People are now making the claim that Obama is "not acting Presidential enough."

He's been on late night talk shows. He's giggled on "60 Minutes." He's... black.

He's not like all the other presidents, people are saying.

Well, good for you for noticing!

It's funny because, I thought this man ran, and got overwhelmingly elected on the platform of "Change." I thought we said we were tired of what had come before, and now, here we are, yearning for the consistency and comfort of some old, white fart to bring back the familiarity of yesterday.

The trouble with this country is, we don't want change. We want sameness. Deep in our prejudiced, frightened, conservative hearts, we want some old, white guy in a suit to sit and pose for portraits. We want someone to appear on the $15.00 bill looking like he has an apartment complex stuck up his ass. We want conformity over progress. We want... well...

"I don't want a movie star, I want a president," I heard one Democrat recently complain.

Oh, you mean someone like him?

They say that Obama isn't acting "presidential enough," and I'm not quite sure what that means. What, exactly, does acting "presidential" look like? Does it look like this? Or perhaps it looks something like this. Or like this?

No, no-- it must look like this.

You get my point, I'm sure. You want someone who looks "presidential"? Call up Bea Arthur-- she looks just like George Washington.

I could go on and on (which is my way) but I think my father said it best when he came over for literally three minutes last night to have me sign a birthday card for his sister,

"Fuckin' America retards! 'Oh, Obama-- thank you!' Two weeks later, they already sick of him and want something different. 'Oh, can we have another fuckin' election now?' Fuckin' assholes."

Frankly, I'm not sure this country deserves a leader like him. I think, by and large, we deserve what we get, and we get what we deserve. I think this man is a remarkable, and rare exception, and I hope we don't let it pass by unnoticed or unappreciated because he isn't kissing enough babies or kissing enough ass.