An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Secrets of a Successful Blog

If you've decided to read my post because you're a.) longing to know the secrets of a successful blog and b.) thinking you'll find them here, then I'm very sorry for you.


Someone once told me that THE secret to a successful blog is to "post regularly, each day, and at the same time each day." I don't remember who the hell it was-- someone with a successful blog, apparently.

As I'm sure most of you who are by now familiar with my dickhead-may-care attitude, this piece of advice certainly wasn't given in response to my asking this person, "Hey, what are the secrets of a successful blog?" Most of the advice I receive is unsolicited, not to mention unnecessary, and unused.

Truth be told, (that's why you come here, isn't it?), I don't even know what a successful blog is, and, even if I found out, I'm not even sure I'd want one. Is a successful blog defined by the number of hits? The number of visits? The number of times some random person in Perth gets directed here by Googling the phrase, "foaming neck pussy?" Is it defined by the number of readers? The number of followers? The number of comments per post? Per week?

Jesus. It seems like, whatever success is typically defined as, it has an awful lot to do with numbers. Well, I don't do numbers. Just ask every math teacher I've ever had since 2nd grade.

Frankly, I think my blog is successful because I'm writing it, and you're reading it. And, if I haven't thanked you for that in the recent past, thank you. You rock this pissparty. Hard.

Whether or not it's a component of "success" or not, I do try to post at the same time each day. Posting every day isn't a problem for me, since I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies, blogging fits in nicely to the various routines I find so comforting in life. However, it's not always possible for me to blog at the same time every day. Take today, for example. Maybe, for some of you, at 7:31 (EST) you checked out My Masonic Apron and you were like, "What the fuck? Where is this little twattard?" Well, I was at the garage getting the oil changed in my wife's car. This requires much humorous banter with Soly & Jack, the Israeli and Chinese mechanics with whom I would spend every working day of my life if I had any mechanical competence whatsoever. So, that took a while. Then, I had to come home and walk the dog. Then I had to buy my wife an anniversary card (3 YEARS, PEEPS!) and, while I was doing all of these things, I realized:

"Wow. It's a good thing I'm a blogger and not a writer."

Because, really, you can't walk into your editor's office and be like, "Hey, Mr. Jimmerjims, sorry that piece was late-- I was bullshitting with my mechanics and walking my dog and stuff."

You know? You'd get a size 11 Florsheim in your crotch for pulling that kind of shit at work.

And I realized that I really, truly, madly, deeply, obscenely LOVE being a blogger. And it's, of course, you who have made me a blogger. So, I guess, in some weird, syllogistic way, I... love... you?


That's hot.

And maybe that's the secret of being a successful blogger: embracing your readers, and embracing who you are to them-- and who you are to yourself. Fuck what you're not. That's just a head case waiting to happen.

One thing is for sure: there are many rules of the blogging world that I don't follow. New templates. Advertising. Giveaways. Award regulations. Responding diligently to commentatortots. Keeping posts short. Adding music, pics, links, eye candy, suggestive pictures of self draped around telephone poles... um.... cute puppies and shit?

But I'm pretty sure I have a successful blog anyway. And now I (and you!) know the secret.


  1. I feel so cheated. I came here thinking "Now I'll find the secrets about blogging that the masons have been keeping from me" and what do I find? No secrets at all. Not a single one.

    I try to avoid conventionally "successful" bloggers. They pander too much to their audiences, spend too much time trying to be popular and asking readers to comment with their thoughts. And if that fails, posting semi-nude pictures.

    I agree that you have the "secret" right here. It keeps me coming back.

  2. Happy Anniversary! Congratulations.
    I enjoy your writing very much and you cheer me up or make me think about things I havent thought of in ages!
    I am glad your wife posted your blog addy on her profile at crafters! You two have a lot of fans when she posts pics and its a pleasure to know that you arent just a pretty face in a victorian wig!
    Keep it up kid!

  3. Happy anniversary, you schmuck! Or was it schmoozer? I forget...

    As you say, what makes a blog successful is pretty frackin' arbitrary. A lot of people start blogging for fame and/or fortune, but I think those days are probably behind us. Now it's just about reaching out, I guess. Sometimes someone answers your call, your rant, your plea -- and that feels good! -- and sometimes they don't.

    At the end of the day, it's more about the writing than the being answered, I think -- at least for the sensible bloggers. I'm sure there are some who live for comments -- but those people are the same that live for real-life compliments too.

    Mostly girls seeking approval...

    (But that's another kettle of fish entirely :)

  4. So in a nutsack, the secret to successful blogging is doing whatever the fuck you want, however the fuck you want, and sort of whenever the fuck you want ...?

    If so, then I am well on my way!


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