Thnx 4 Reading

Wht th hll s "thnx?"

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we Western society humans type beings like our words with the occasional vowel ensconsed somewhere in there, even if it dies of loneliness. If I get one more email from someone "thnxng" me for something, I think I'm going to key that non-word into my own face.

Don't get me wrong-- I like to be thanked, and I personally would even go so far as to say that I'm not thanked enough, but to be told "thnxs!" in an email is more of a slap on the titty than a genuine display of gratitude in my opinion.

Do I sound like a curmudgeonly, crinkly codger?

Good.

I don't want to be accused of being a sexist curmudgeonly, crinkly codger, but I've noticed, in my anecdotal way, that females are big offenders of the "thnx!" email sign off. I don't know what that is. Is there some sort of hormonal imbalance I'm not aware of that makes it uncomfortable for women of a certain vicissitude to utilize vowels and correct spelling? I was watching an episode of "COPS" where a young female suspect who was being arrested for aggravated battery on her boyfriend shouted, "You know how I am when I'm on my period!" to the arresting officers, her parents, and the rest of middle America. I think it's funny when women blame their periods for their irrational behavior.

Is that why women write "thnxs!" to me? Because they're menstruating? I kind of doubt it.

I could sit here and postulate until my bloggity little fingers fell off, trying to figure this one out. I could blame email culture and texting culture and overall declination of culture, the fact that handwriting is de-emphasized in school, the fact that nuns are no longer permitted to break the tender, pale, freckled knuckles of our nation's Catholic schoolchildren. I could blame Hitler, or the sodding cat, or The Steve Wilkos Show or the Chinese, but I don't really know what good that would do.

It's weird, because I like blaming people as much as anybody, I suppose. Remember that story about taking the axe to our basement wall when I was a kid, and I blamed my sister? I just don't feel like blaming anybody right now-- I guess my heart's just not in it.

I understand sometimes that people are in a hurry, and that writing detailed, long-winded, rhapsodic and prosaic emails just doesn't fit into everyone's PDA calendar, but, Jesus, people, "thank you" is just a little too important. We've truncated "Hello" to "Hi," and that's bad enough. When you thank someone, you're acknowledging that they've done something helpful for you, they've done you a motherfucking solid. Sure, they haven't chiseled your ugly mug on Mt. Rushmore or hand-built you a tool shed replica of the Taj Mahal in your back-yard, but they saved your ass on a PowerPoint presentation, or they made a phone call when you couldn't or they said they'd research what dishwasher performed the best on consumerreports.com and, Goddamnit, that deserves more than a trite, obnoxious, curt little "thnxs!"

In my book, a thank you is a pretty big deal. I like it when people say "thank you" and I'm pretty anal about remembering to say it myself. I know people don't have to do me favors or help me out or pay me a compliment, so, when they do, while I don't bust out a pinata and noisemakers, I make sure to look them in the eye and say "thank you" in a way that communicates to them that I mean it. That's hard to do in an email, but "thnxs!" is a sure-fire way to let someone know that you don't really give much of a damn about what they did for you, or about thank you's in general. I mean, it's about gratitude, people, and, if you're thankful, then express it properly.

Thnxs?!

G fck yrslf!