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"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Have You Ever Ever Ever?

You know that song from Pochahontas that asks the question, "Have you EVer heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?" Etcetera, etcetera...

Well, that song has been running through my head today, for some unknown, ungodly reason (must be the rain) and it got me thinking about "Have you ever?" type questions that I thought I'd ask you guys.

By the way, in case you're curious, I haven't done any of this shit, so don't ask. This is about you, not about me.

Ready? Here we go!

SO: HAVE YOU EVER.............

Gone cow-tipping-- for realz?

Eaten a note in high school to prevent a teacher seeing its contents?

Farted simultaneously with someone?

Gotten fired from a volunteer position?

Masturbated to the images contained in a Sears catalogue?

Gotten thoroughly confused during a game of "War?"

Been laughed at by a child?

Pulled your groin doing something thoroughly non-sexual?

Read the emergency evacuation brochure on an airplane to avoid talking to the mouthbreather next to you?

Shat yourself in your twenties?

Licked a bald man's head?

Gone to I-Hop and ordered "the Lobster Thermidor?"

Successfully convinced a substitute teacher that you were retarded?

Purposefully undressed in front of a window?

Thought about casket-tipping at a funeral-- for realz?

Called up PBS during a phone-a-thon and pledged a million dollars?

Wanted to kick somebody's stupid little dog?

Written a song about touching yourself in the shower?

Eaten cardboard to support your claim that "This (piece of pizza/sandwich/meat/communion wafer) tastes like cardboard."

Angrily berated your priest about the staleness of the communion wafers and spitting it out on the floor?

Brayed like a donkey during intercourse?

Videotaped yourself dancing around like a fucking idiot on a trampoline in a clown costume holding a dildo or something and put it on YouTube? And then pretended that you were drunk when, really, you weren't?

Told somebody to leave your restaurant when it wasn't actually your restaurant?

Surreptitiously thrown up into a piece of pottery at an art gallery?

Pinched your mom's ass, just to see what she'd do?

Played a Marilyn Manson record backwards? (It's all Christian hymns-- try it!)

Thrown something at a stage performer?

Wanted to answer ridiculous questions on a blog?


  1. Been laughed at a by child? Yups! Who hasn't?

    Licked a bald mans head? I think so..?

    Purposefully undressed in front of a window? Yes but this is only because I'm resigned to the fact that even when I'm undressing away from the window, I realise people can still see me.

    Eaten cardboard? Yes, for some reason I think I have. Probably to prove a point that no one else cared about.

    Wanted to answer ridiculous questions? Why yes, I do believe I have.

  2. I'm fairly sure at some point I have probably fallen over in the street and been laughed at by a child. The only other "yes" was for having thrown things at performers.

    It was a festival, V98 I think -- I don't remember who the headliners were that year, but it was the year I did Glastonbury, V and Reading festivals. You may never have heard of the band Chumbawumba, they were one-hit-wonders with the song "I get knocked down, but I get up again" and I think they were active politically, in a vacuous sort of way.

    A group of us were drunk enough to want to send a message to the band, so we each wrote abusive messages on little plastic frisbees, and threw them at the stage when the band came on. Of course, the wind caught them and not a single frisbee went anywhere near the stage. And I think someone I was with threw a baked potato at a band called Rialto.

    It's become almost customary at festivals now for various performers to be bottled off the stage, though I have mixed feelings about it. And I don't think I've thrown anything since that time.

  3. About 70% for me.

    A bit annoyed that you had 'gone cow-tipping' vs. 'thought about coffin-tipping'. Wuss!

  4. I'm pretty sure I've been laughed at by a kid, at some point... who hasn't?

    I pulled a groin muscle at some point in the past playing some sort of organised sport, I can't remember when though. Hmm.

    I've licked Jay's face, and he's balding, that count?

    I've pinched my Mum's arse, mainly to annoy her, but I guess that sort of fits in the category of "see what she would do"... "see if she gets annoyed".

    Umm. Hi. I never commented before, but I think I told Jay to read your blog after finding it via your wife's.

  5. Gone cow-tipping-- for realz? grew up in between two farms, it's how we to entertained oursleves.

    Farted simultaneously with someone? this happens quite often. guess we're just in sync.

    Been laughed at by a child? i'm funny lookin'.

    Pulled your groin doing something thoroughly non-sexual? stretching for dance class. kind of defeats the purpose, eh?

    Wanted to answer ridiculous questions on a blog? and, i did.

  6. my mother wasn't too happy w/ me when i pinched her butt


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