An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Friday, October 23, 2009


No, this isn't a post where I am celebrity-endorsing BAN underarm deoderant. Though, if they asked, I might do it. I mean, it's something I actually use. Unlike Sally Field who probably doesn't use Boniva.

This is a post in which I put out to my readers that we band together and unite in a concerted effort to


Please, comrades. Join me.

I think I just read it one too many times. You know how it is-- camel's fucking back and everything. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty goddamn lol'd out. First of all, I can't remember the last time I read something over the internet that made me laugh-out-loud, let alone smirk derisively, and I read some funny shit. You should know, some of you out there are writing it.

The thing is, whether you're laughing-out-loud or not, the question you have to ask yourself is, do you care enough about that audible giggle or guffaw to report it to the internet, and, on that subject, do we care?

Probably not, my loves. Probably not.

Also, you know that, if you are, in fact, ringing the air with your melodious peals of laughter, I have no doubt that you, with years of formal schooling under your belt, can think of a better way to express such an expression of funny-bone-ticklin' than with a juvenile, beaten-to-death-and-beyond internetism like "lol!"

Seriously, you can do it.

Sometimes I look over Mrs. Apron's shoulder while she's on and I read some of the things people write about their craft projects, and my insides curdle:

"This finish is cracking a little bit. LOL!"

"I couldn't decide whether or not to cinch the waist or add princess seams. l.o.l.!"

"i just finished making a onesie for my little nephew. it's got a bird on it. lol!"

It's got a bird on it-- lol? Are you kidding me? What, exactly, is there to lol about concerning said onesie and said bird?

That's riiiiiiiiiiiight: nothing.

If you think that's funny, go straight to the bike-helmet classroom. Do not pass "Go."

While we're on the subject of banning things, here's another coupla things I'd like to banish from the face of the earth:

* Snowflake sweaters.

* Irish step-dancing.

* Bladder dysfunction.

* Junk mail.

* Call-in radio.

* My aunt and uncle's house.

* Life insurance banner ads featuring crying children in graveyards.

* Football.

* Pimples for those of us who have successfully surpassed the age of 20.

* The Pontiac Aztek.

* Andrew Lloyd Webber.

* People who shit on each other during sex.

* Hedges.

* Airshows.

* Commercials featuring Sally Field.

* The word "ointment."

(Notice how there are no books on my list? See? I'm a reasonable guy.)


  1. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, Mr. Apron!

    I have been feeling convicted about eliminating this little phrase from my texts for some time. Not because of its overuse, but because it's so dishonest!

    Once again, your blog has given me the courage to implement a long needed change.

    From now on I'll obey my conscience by substituting LOL with the phrase L-BNOL (laughing - but not out loud).

  2. I haven't used lol for four years, and I also agree with you regarding the other stuff, for the most part.

    "Life insurance banner ads featuring crying children in graveyards"? What?

  3. lol is idiotic and any variation thereof. i'm looking at you,romfllamyo!

  4. I use LOL all the time, and I'm not really sorry.

  5. Paige--

    But, do you use it whilst wearing snowflake sweaters? If so, you're basically a felon.

  6. I SAY LOL all the time.. damn.. I even kind of loled at the comment People who shit on each other during sex..COME ON .. how else am I going to convey to you that you really did make me laugh out loud? I'm a busy person and lol saves me so much time. Then I read the comments and read John's comment.. I like that one! I said to my friend online "I just want you to konw I dont really lol everytime you say something funny. That would be kind of insane!"
    I am still gonna say lol Mr Apron..Good to know you dislike the phrase but I will use it.. especially now because its going to be like Austin Powers saying Moleyy Moleyy Moleyy.. When I want to make a comment regarding one of your hilarious posts.

  7. What if I actually say the letters "el oh el" instead of laugh when I find something humerous? Am I committing a crime more heinous than typing "lol," or am I a genius?


    Then go check out my blog.
    DO IT

  8. Well, the fact that people don't actually laugh out loud when they LOL is reason enough why it should be just scratched out from the chat world.

    I gotta say I enjoyed this post.

    And while we're on the subject, banning the word "ointment" ? :|

  9. LOVE the list. I think I may add a few, but you've got it pretty well nailed down.

    Came by way of your celebrity at Tapdancing in the Dark. Now I'll be a lurker, if that's alright. (lol)

  10. Lily-- Genius. Unquestionable. Although your taste in featured followers is certainly questionable, perhaps by local authorities.

    f8hasit-- lurk away, you little lurkyloo!

  11. I headed your way from Lily's slice of heaven. I'm staying. I comment a lot, and usually it doesn't make much sense.

    That camels back line was legit.

    Love you, bye.

  12. Lily sent us over to blog stalk you. Well, she didn't really tell us to stalk you exactly, but she did say that you are funny. However, I am questioning your sense of humor if you don't laugh out loud on a regular basis. Just sayin'.

    So, before you ask, sometimes I use lol, but, not like super over offensively or anything.

    OH - and I make up words. You sometimes the just help drive a point home.

  13. I totally agree with you--LOL is so outdated, it needs to be outlawed. like seriously.

  14. For some reason, I avoid using 'LOL' on my own blog, yet when I'm commenting elsewhere/using MSN/etcetera, I tend to use it fairly often.

    That, or 'haha'. Or the infamous 'XD', which I highly, HIGHLY overuse on MSN.

    Also, this was my favourite out of the list, I think: '* People who shit on each other during sex.'

    ... LOL.

  15. Totally with you on this. I think of the LOL as something like the 80s hairstyle--marginally acceptable once upon a time, if only because everyone was doing it, but now it's reallly time to move on. Lose the crimpers, people.

  16. Got it. I'm frogging the bladder-dysfunction-inducing snowflake sweater I was knitting for you. I'll rework it to feature an array of prohibition signs with "LOL" in the center.

    When you get it, I hope you remember to say thank you. If you don't, I might have to tell Dear Abby--and then EVERYONE I SHOW THE CLIPPING WILL KNOW how bad your manners are. (That IS the #1 reason people write to Dear Abby, right?)


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