Well, Tweak My Beak and Call Me Beulah, it's DEAR APRON!

"Dear Apron" is an unscrupulous and dirty take on letters written to the venerable fossil known to millions as Dear Abby. In this column, I take actual Dear Abby letters and provide my own, unsolicited, unhelpful advice.

I'm sure there are one or two numbskulls who, by now, have choked on it.

And that's okay with me.

DEAR APRON:

My wife, "Laura," and I have been married 15 years. She recently had gastric bypass surgery and has lost 80 pounds so far.

The last time Laura was slim (about seven years ago), she had an affair with a co-worker and we nearly divorced. With her current weight loss, she is now going out with friends from work one night a week. This means that after all the activities we have scheduled for our kids, there is no night for us. I have had two weekends off in the last six weeks. During both of them Laura went to Las Vegas with her friends.

I'm pleased that my wife is happy with her looks, and I don't want to appear insecure, but I can't help but feel it's "deja vu all over again." When I ask where she's going, who she's going with and why now, she gets angry and says she won't put up with my "insecurities." We went to counseling after the affair, but Laura lied and denied she'd had one. I would really appreciate some advice. -- YO-YO HUSBAND IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR YO-YO PA:

I'm sorry-- you're a man writing in to an advice column and you expect me to believe that you're not gay? Sorry.

But let's just assume, for argument's sake, that you are heterosexual, (which you're not) so I can at least humor you by attempting to answer your question, though I'm not even sure you really had one.

Stop being insecure. You can be totally secure in the knowledge that your wife is cheating on you. Again. You don't need to question or interrogate her about her whereabouts. Just use your own imagination-- she's nailing Jim from the Finance Department on a waterbed at the Roadside Inn, or she's getting donkey-punched on the hardwood floor of Xerox Al's 2 bedroom condo in Simi Valley. Or she's conducting a scientific experiment in lezology with Jackie, the receptionist, involving a tube of Crest Wintergreen, a set of chopsticks and a miniature wax figurine of Richard Nixon.

See? There's nothing to be "insecure" about! You know what's going on, so don't be a fucking d-bag about it, n'yah mean?

Now, the real question here is, I think, how fat are you? We all know Wifeywhore has lost 80 pounds and looks bangin' (and bangable, might I add), but something tells me you're haulin' a few extra tons of larddage yourself, am I right? Well, friend, herein lies the solution to all your problems....

Bypass your gastrics and this bitch will be all yours.

And, to that, all I can think of to say is: lucky you.

DEAR APRON: It's apparent that the art of saying "thank you" has gone by the wayside. I'm a widow with limited funds who likes to surprise relatives with nice gifts on special occasions. I sent a food gift to one of them as a housewarming present. Her mother wrote and thanked me, but added that it gave her a stomachache and she was sick for three days!

I shopped carefully for a niece who was starting kindergarten. I selected a sweet "girly" backpack in her favorite color with butterflies and a smattering of sparkles. Her mom responded that I should have bought a bigger one with a metal frame so she could also use it for family outings, the beach, the zoo, etc. -- as if I knew which ones she liked THIS week.

I sent a classic silk blouse to a young woman who was starting her first office job. Her mother told me she would have preferred something more "youthful."

What is wrong with just saying "thank you"? -- IRRITATED AUNT IN MIAMI

DEAR IRRITATED AUNT:

Ah, the "irritated aunt"... the "widow with limited funds." THIS is the appropriate advice column letter-writer, people! THANK you!

Now, here's the deal: you are cheap, easily offended, annoying, and, quite obviously, have very poor taste.

Stop sending people gifts.

Oh, and thank you again.

DEAR APRON:

I work in a call center with 35 other workers. Recently our supervisor hired a woman who is mentally ill. We acknowledge that she has a right to work and, for the most part, she appears to be capable.

The problem is she hears "voices" speaking to her and often responds to them. Other times she "hears" co-workers seated behind her plotting to kill her, which, of course, is not true. She disrupts those around her by constantly asking if they can hear what others are saying about her and what she should do about it.

We have spoken to our supervisor about our concerns. His answer is, "Just be quiet and it will be OK." We don't dislike her -- in fact, we're sympathetic -- but we resent the position we have been placed in. None of us have been trained to deal with mental health issues. Have you any suggestions on how to handle this? -- UNEASY IN OHIO

DEAR UNEASY:

Honey, you work in a call center. Of COURSE there are mentally ill people working there! YOU'RE mentally ill! What kind of a person, seriously, would work in a call center and be totally emotionally and psychogenically balanced in every way? Come on, don't tickle my dickle and pretend it's love.

By the way, I think it's deplorable that you and your coworkers are engaged in a plot to murder this woman, and then attempt to cover it up with this pathetic notion that it's all HER ideations and paranoia. Come on, you guys are stockpiling ammunition and alibis as I'm writing this, and I think it's a shame. Just because everybody else in America is committing acts of workplace violence doesn't mean that YOU need to as well.

And, finally-- you work in a call center and you haven't received training in mental health issues?

Wow.