An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Adult Content Warning

The blogosphere is still a mystery to me, even after all this time.

Every time I think I'm a seasoned veteran, I stumble upon people who claim that they've been blogging since the Ford Pinto was considered safe, and while I question some bloggers' protestations of extreme longevity, I do realize that thousands and thousands and thousands of bloggers have been laying some serious smackdown on their keyboards for far longer than I.

And I respect that.

Some aspects of bloggery perplex me-- like the apparent etiquette surrounding comments. Many bloggers feel that it is appropriate and reasonable to respond to each comment they receive. Well, that's hard for me, and I don't always see a reason for it, so I don't do that. I also don't understand certain bloggers' propensity to use profanity, but insert asterisks where certain strategic vowels would reside. If you feel the profanities are warranted, and you're going to use them-- goddamnit, use them, motherfuckers!

While we're on the subject of profanity, it ties in rather nicely to my biggest confusion concerning the blogosphere: the adult content warning.

You may have noticed that this blog contains, on occasion, some, um, I don't know-- "adult themes." Some "peppery language." Some drug use. Oh, no, wait-- there's none of that. But there's plenty of fucks and shits and goddamnits, because that's how I speak and I figured, well, that's how I ought to write, otherwise I'd be presenting a false picture of myself.

And that isn't nice.

Of course, presenting an accurate picture of yourself sometimes necessitates presenting an inaccurate picture of yourself-- like an avatar instead of a picture, like a pseudonym instead of a name. It's necessary, if you want to keep your job. And, while I'm often ambivalent about it, I'd much rather keep it than lose it.

Since I've started blogging, one or two people have written to me or left me a comment asking why I choose not to utilize an Adult Content Warning, visible to anyone who happens across my blog, a hurdle that one must either vault over or back away from.

On, they give you a choice about whether or not you want to use the disclaimer. So that you can see what the disclaimer looks like, I've copied-and-pasted the Blogger disclaimer that appears before Leslie the Pirate's blog: "Swashbuckling Through the Murky Waters of Online Dating" Here it is:

"The blog that you are about to view may contain content only suitable for adults. In general, Google does not review nor do we endorse the content of this or any blog. For more information about our content policies, please visit the Blogger Terms of Service"

I Understand And I Wish to Continue -- I Do Not Wish to Continue

Obviously, if you click "I Understand And I Wish to Continue" you get to be bombarded with an onslaught of pornographic images and vitriolic obscenities the likes of which not heard since Sam Kinison slammed the car door on his penis. I've never tried clicking "I Do Not Wish to Continue" but I'm assuming, if I did, it would take me to a website selling Neil Diamond MP3s.

Frankly, after viewing Leslie's site, I don't really think it necessitates the Adult Content Warning, but, then again, I don't think mine does either, so I guess that's not saying much. For my part, I've never answered any of the people who've been bored enough with their own lives to bother to ask me why I don't use an Adult Content Warning for my blog. Since I haven't done that, I figure that now is a good enough time as any to say why:

I don't want to.



Well, don't be. That's right, put those cute little eyebrows down, please. I just don't really feel like it.

First of all, the adult content warning kind of surprised me, its very existence. I didn't understand why it was necessary. When I first started blogging, I thought innocently that the blogosphere was a place for angsty, neurotic guys with dainty fingers and glasses to spout off against the injustices of their own private, sheltered worlds. The couple of blogs that I had eyeballed back in those heady, perfumed days of last year were so vanilla, so innocuous, so... boring, I couldn't even conceieve of a blog that would necessitate an adult content warning.

Obviously, I hadn't met LiLu yet.

It never even occured to me that people might be reading things on blogs that would offend them and, if they did, that they would actually get indignant enough to do something about it, like reporting a blogger to the Blogger CyberPolice. I mean, children read blogs? Talk about a thought that never even entered my mind. Seriously? Really? Minors?

What, I ask, could a minor possibly want to read a blog for. I mean-- minors don't... read. Do they? Okay, maybe they read, but, if they do, they read "Twilight." Or "The Ya Ya Fucking Sisterhood" or whatever the hell it is. Do teenagers really need to be protected from... bloggers?

Jesus. I had never thought of that.

Of course, now that I have thought about that, I'm not really sure that I care about that. Maybe I should.

Originally, I had thought that these Adult Content Warnings were meant to protect bloggers from prudish, thin-lipped web-surfers in Des Moines, Iowa, cruising the interwebz lace hairnets and pineapple earrings. Of course, I don't give a shit if ignorant people like these get offended from reading my blog and, honestly, I like the idea of them arriving here sort of unawares, without being forewarned by some demeaning notice that prepares them for what's ahead.

I'm kinda just sitting here... waiting for 'em.

Here's the thing about censorship, and about these warnings, which are just another vehicle of censorship: people who love them claim that they protect the innocent. Well, they don't. You know why? Because nobody's innocent. The 12-year-old boy with his retarded parents at a thoroughly pornographic, rice-laden live production of "The Rocky Horror Show" last night isn't innocent, and, trust me, that little fucker isn't reading this blog, either. The disclaimer doesn't protect me either, because, if some offendable miscreant stumbles upon my blog and gets her (or his) panties in a twist, it's my ass-- pseudonym and avatar or no. I've still got an IP address, right?

So, I figure, if I'm going down, I want to go down with the ship, and with my dignity intact. Even if My Masonic Apron gets soaked when the Titanic disappears below the surface.


  1. haha very true!

    check out my blog post "Apparently I'm Kreativ" youve got a mention. :)

  2. I figure, Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!

  3. YEAH! You said it Apron-man. Wordpress doesn't even offer me that option. Clearly it is asking me to post porn for the children.

  4. What I don't understand that if someone doesn't like the content of what YOU write, why would they take the time to bother you with their opinion?

    I got a comment from someone that said, "whatever it is that you feel you have to say, you should keep it to yourself."

    How's that for a comment?
    Fuck 'em.


  5. re: f8hasit, because people are stupid assholes and miss the whole point of blogging

  6. I think you might just be becoming the most cool uncool person that ever was. Or trying to be, at least.

    I'd write something more interesting, but you probably wouldn't read it and/or reply anyway... sniff.

  7. I'd be fascinated to know if anyone ever clicks "no" when faced with Blogger's warning, perhaps only if ever at work, when they are concerned they might stumble onto a post about pony girls.

    But you're right: f*ck censorship!

  8. First of all, can I just say how honored I am to be your example of an "offensive" blogger?

    Second of all, I kind of figure that since I drop the F bomb a lot, parents should have set their kids' computers to block my site, as so many people have told me that I'm blocked at their offices.

    If their parents haven't done that, well, my site certainly isn't going to be the worst thing their kids see. Oh well!


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