BAN IT! BAN IT!! BAN IT!!!

No, this isn't a post where I am celebrity-endorsing BAN underarm deoderant. Though, if they asked, I might do it. I mean, it's something I actually use. Unlike Sally Field who probably doesn't use Boniva.

This is a post in which I put out to my readers that we band together and unite in a concerted effort to

BAN THE USE OF THE PHRASE "LOL!"

Please, comrades. Join me.

I think I just read it one too many times. You know how it is-- camel's fucking back and everything. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty goddamn lol'd out. First of all, I can't remember the last time I read something over the internet that made me laugh-out-loud, let alone smirk derisively, and I read some funny shit. You should know, some of you out there are writing it.

The thing is, whether you're laughing-out-loud or not, the question you have to ask yourself is, do you care enough about that audible giggle or guffaw to report it to the internet, and, on that subject, do we care?

Probably not, my loves. Probably not.

Also, you know that, if you are, in fact, ringing the air with your melodious peals of laughter, I have no doubt that you, with years of formal schooling under your belt, can think of a better way to express such an expression of funny-bone-ticklin' than with a juvenile, beaten-to-death-and-beyond internetism like "lol!"

Seriously, you can do it.

Sometimes I look over Mrs. Apron's shoulder while she's on http://www.craftster.org/ and I read some of the things people write about their craft projects, and my insides curdle:

"This finish is cracking a little bit. LOL!"

"I couldn't decide whether or not to cinch the waist or add princess seams. l.o.l.!"

"i just finished making a onesie for my little nephew. it's got a bird on it. lol!"

It's got a bird on it-- lol? Are you kidding me? What, exactly, is there to lol about concerning said onesie and said bird?

That's riiiiiiiiiiiight: nothing.

If you think that's funny, go straight to the bike-helmet classroom. Do not pass "Go."

While we're on the subject of banning things, here's another coupla things I'd like to banish from the face of the earth:

* Snowflake sweaters.

* Irish step-dancing.

* Bladder dysfunction.

* Junk mail.

* Call-in radio.

* My aunt and uncle's house.

* Life insurance banner ads featuring crying children in graveyards.

* Football.

* Pimples for those of us who have successfully surpassed the age of 20.

* The Pontiac Aztek.

* Andrew Lloyd Webber.

* People who shit on each other during sex.

* Hedges.

* Airshows.

* Commercials featuring Sally Field.

* The word "ointment."

(Notice how there are no books on my list? See? I'm a reasonable guy.)