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Sunday, July 26, 2009


So, most of you know that we recently acquired cable television in this house, for the first time in a looooooong time, as a result of the government's and HD-TV's wretched and incestuous comingling with the cable companies.


Much to my relief, this hasn't really altered our lifestyles all that much. We're still pretty hardcore about "The Today Show" in spite of my unalterable dislike of Meredith Vieira. Our palate/schedule still accomodates almost nightly viewings of "Jeopardy!" and semi-weekly installments of "COPS" (don't judge me!) and sometimes we'll even watch ABC World News Tonight to hear Charlie Gibson end his broadcasts with, "and I hope you had a good day,", sounding rather like Mr. Rogers. Of course, I can't imagine Mr. Rogers talking about Afghanistan wearing a $900 suit, but there we are.

I will admit that our viewing of "Sponge Bob Square Pants" has increased dynamically, and I am now intimately familiar with the episode where Mr. Crabs loses his special pre-historic dime and the one where Squidward gets his own TV show on Bikini Bottom Public Access. And I think my IQ just imploded.

Though it has not yet consumed our lives, I'm reasonably certain that having cable is going to make us stupid. I mean, sure, last night we went to the opera, and right now my wife is in bed reading a book without pictures, but this simply cannot last. I mean, Sponge Bob is fucking calling to me, people. Sooner or later, I will answer.

And quit my job.

After we did our regular six-month cleaning of our bedroom today in the sweltering heat and dog's mouth humidity, my wife, flopping on the couch to veg, found another program that will serve to destroy the few remaining synapses in our brains-- it's a show on MTV about women who are dissatisfied with their big breasts. Yes, you heard me right. Some of you deadasses out there might even already know what I'm talking about. Of course you do, you get your news not from Charlie Gibson, but from "The Daily Show" and from blogs.

Don't worry, soon I will be amongst you.

So, back to the titties, on MTV's discussion board, Kelso19 writes:

"Why doesn't MTV do a True Life - big boobs???? I personally struggle with extremely large breasts for my body.... It is probably the most frustrating thing that I have ever dealt with...No one makes anything for women who are thin with large breasts and it sucks...I would love to wear the things that my friends can wear, but I can't...I can't wear a strapless bra (They dont make them big enough), I can't wear a swim suit, if I want to wear a dress I always have to get a larger dress to fit my boobs and then get it altered to fit the rest of me.... I can't wear tank tops w/o looking HUGE...Oh and halter tops are out of the question... Everyone else loves me boobs but I have spent so much time crying b/c I can't wear 1/2 the clothes that I would like to....I really want to get my boobs reduced, but I don't have the money for it and my mom isn't always supportive of me getting a reduction...Anyway, I feel that it would be a good thing to shed light on people who are thin with breasts to big for their body....Just thought... P.S....There are more issues but I figured that I would just give a tid bit...."

Well, Dipshit19, I guess they finally heard you because, today, my wife and I were definitely flat-out on the couch watching three vapid, useless girls with with laundry bags for breasts moaning and crying about their tits for half-an-hour. Aaaand, after that was done, guess what aired next? MTV True Life: "My Boobs Are Too Small" where we got to see a Go-Go dancer from Philadelphia (yeah, way to represent da hood, Skeeter Bites!) crying about how she has to wear three push-up bras at the same time to create the illusion of cleavage for the obliteratedly drunk male clientele at her place of employment.

I know a girl who has a stump for a right hand. Can MTV do a show about her so these stupid twats can watch a show about people with real problems and then maybe they can all shut the fuck up? Seriously-- that's your big problem in life? You don't know whether to spend $15,000 on breast reduction surgery (that your insurance company won't cover because, actually, your breasts aren't really that big in the first place) or $12,000 on daily visits to a personal trainer and custom-fitted bras and tops for a year? Wow.

I don't know who's guiltier-- the dumb people on the shows, the dumb people who come up with the idea, the dumb people who produce, direct, write and edit the shows, or the dumb people who watch them.

One thing is for sure: the Kingdom of Dumbdom is at hand, and I've got a front-row seat. Just get your big tits out of the way so I can see.


  1. When I was sick a few weekends ago, I watched 4 epidsodes of "My Super Sweet 16."

    My IQ has yet to recover.

    People, it seems, will watch anything.
    I grieve for humanity.

  2. the best is I'm From Staten Island!

  3. could be worse. they could do a show on "true life: i don't know which way my pillows on my king-sized bed are suppose to face"


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