If You Took My TV Away...

...I would cry.

And I didn't even cry at Aunt Mickey's funeral. But I would cry if you took my TV away.

Taking my TV away during the Olympics would be an especially cruel thing to do. If you took my TV away while the Olympics were on, I would not only cry, but I would set fire to your pubes and kick over all the gravestones of your ancestors and take a shit in your mailbox.

There would be Mad Apron. Mad, I tell you.

Some people are able to pinpoint exactly how much TV they watch in a given week. I really don't know how much TV I watch, and whether it's a lot or a little in comparison to, say, the average American my age or, say, the average 2-year-old. Honest to God-- last night, when my wife and I were driving home from a particularly putrid rehearsal, we passed a Scion xA being driven by a Brittany Spearsalike and there was a huge (for a car) TV screen, probably about eight inches playing some insipid children's crap to entertain her toddler in the back seat.

Her toddler, motherfuckers, her toddler. I'll bet, however much TV I watch, I watch less than that kid.

I enjoy an eclectic variety of programming.

COPS
The Today Show
Project Runway (love me my Tim Gunn)
Jeopardy!
Teen Mom (at least it's not "Jersey Shore")
Antiques Roadshow

Strangely enough, the only show on this list that I love unconditionally, without qualm or complaint, is COPS. I could watch COPS 24 hours a day, which I admit is a bit unsettling, but I like it for the same reason that the cops on it like being cops: because you never know what is going to happen, and even the most banal, benign situation can turn exciting in a heartbeat.

All the other shows that I watch, I watch with at least one great reservation. You know my beef with The Today Show, and that beef's name is (come on, say it with me now): "Meredith Vieira." Yes, we despise that leathery, sychophantic, post-menopausal twig-woman. Yes, we do.

Project Runway I am very much taken with. I love the drama, the cattiness, the gayness, the bleeped-out-ness, the Gunn-ness, I even love me some Klum-ness. But I cannot stand that product placement. The "Thank you, Mood!" and the Garnier hair salon, the Loreal Paris make-up room, the Bluefly.com accessory wall ("thoughtfully!") and the shots of the stupid HP compu-notepad in every fucking episode that none of the designers actually like using. The product-placement on that show is atrocious. Still, I make it work.

My problem with Jeopardy! is Alex Trebek, mostly. I don't particularly fancy his holier-than-thou attitude, and he's gay without being gay, and that's annoying to me. My biggest problem with the show, though, isn't even Alex, it's the terrible, awkward, stilted, painful interviews that he insists on conducting after the show returns from its first commercial break with the Aspergian, wall-eyed, socially-retarded contestants.

Alex: "So-- I understand that at one time you had a very interesting experience on a camping trip in the Kodiak Mountains..."

Dork With Ponytail and Buck-Teeth: "Um... well, yes, Alex. Actually, um, it was me and several of my Mensa compatriots... we, um, were doing a study on the effects of, er, high-altitude conditions on scrod and, well, um... one of us got a splinter and contracted AIDS and, well, we forgot the scrod back at our lab and we, er, ended up watching old "Golden Girls" episodes on my my friend's iPhone. Well, he's not actually my friend. But I secretly love him."

Fascinating. Will somebody please shove a pickle fork through my left eye now?

Teen Mom is almost the perfect show. It's got comedy, drama, little sluts running around half-dressed, behaving badly and screaming at their martini-loving mothers. What's not to like? However, there are far too many commercials. It's an hour show, and there's around sixteen minutes of actual content, if you can call it that. And that's not cool. Plus, if there's going to be that many goddamn commercials, they should all be for local gynecologists offices, Pampers, and Nuva-vag.

Antiques Roadshow is a show that I thoroughly enjoy, even though it tends to be soporific, and I admit that it's hard to justify liking a show that you can fall asleep during, but I really do love it. Maybe I'm just a sucker for an early 20th century 18-karat white gold Patek Philippe pocket watch, but I can't get enough of that shit. I don't like the following things about Antiques Roadshow:

1.) When people bring in shit that they think is old and find out it's fake. I know you'd think I'm the kind of asshole who would revel in other people's embarrassment, but really, I don't. I get so embarrassed for them it's hard for me to look at the TV.

2.) When people say, "Oh, I'd never sell it!" after hearing that their signed Babe Ruth jit-rag is worth $7.6 million dollars. Fuck you, you saggy old lizard-- of course you're going to sell it.

3.) The segments that they do half-way through the episode where Mark L. Walberg interviews some dried-up motherfucker about goddamn windmills or boot spurs or something. And who the fuck is Mark L. Walberg anyway?

Boobies

So, most of you know that we recently acquired cable television in this house, for the first time in a looooooong time, as a result of the government's and HD-TV's wretched and incestuous comingling with the cable companies.

Bastards.

Much to my relief, this hasn't really altered our lifestyles all that much. We're still pretty hardcore about "The Today Show" in spite of my unalterable dislike of Meredith Vieira. Our palate/schedule still accomodates almost nightly viewings of "Jeopardy!" and semi-weekly installments of "COPS" (don't judge me!) and sometimes we'll even watch ABC World News Tonight to hear Charlie Gibson end his broadcasts with, "and I hope you had a good day,", sounding rather like Mr. Rogers. Of course, I can't imagine Mr. Rogers talking about Afghanistan wearing a $900 suit, but there we are.

I will admit that our viewing of "Sponge Bob Square Pants" has increased dynamically, and I am now intimately familiar with the episode where Mr. Crabs loses his special pre-historic dime and the one where Squidward gets his own TV show on Bikini Bottom Public Access. And I think my IQ just imploded.

Though it has not yet consumed our lives, I'm reasonably certain that having cable is going to make us stupid. I mean, sure, last night we went to the opera, and right now my wife is in bed reading a book without pictures, but this simply cannot last. I mean, Sponge Bob is fucking calling to me, people. Sooner or later, I will answer.

And quit my job.

After we did our regular six-month cleaning of our bedroom today in the sweltering heat and dog's mouth humidity, my wife, flopping on the couch to veg, found another program that will serve to destroy the few remaining synapses in our brains-- it's a show on MTV about women who are dissatisfied with their big breasts. Yes, you heard me right. Some of you deadasses out there might even already know what I'm talking about. Of course you do, you get your news not from Charlie Gibson, but from "The Daily Show" and from blogs.

Don't worry, soon I will be amongst you.

So, back to the titties, on MTV's discussion board, Kelso19 writes:

"Why doesn't MTV do a True Life - big boobs???? I personally struggle with extremely large breasts for my body.... It is probably the most frustrating thing that I have ever dealt with...No one makes anything for women who are thin with large breasts and it sucks...I would love to wear the things that my friends can wear, but I can't...I can't wear a strapless bra (They dont make them big enough), I can't wear a swim suit, if I want to wear a dress I always have to get a larger dress to fit my boobs and then get it altered to fit the rest of me.... I can't wear tank tops w/o looking HUGE...Oh and halter tops are out of the question... Everyone else loves me boobs but I have spent so much time crying b/c I can't wear 1/2 the clothes that I would like to....I really want to get my boobs reduced, but I don't have the money for it and my mom isn't always supportive of me getting a reduction...Anyway, I feel that it would be a good thing to shed light on people who are thin with breasts to big for their body....Just thought... P.S....There are more issues but I figured that I would just give a tid bit...."

Well, Dipshit19, I guess they finally heard you because, today, my wife and I were definitely flat-out on the couch watching three vapid, useless girls with with laundry bags for breasts moaning and crying about their tits for half-an-hour. Aaaand, after that was done, guess what aired next? MTV True Life: "My Boobs Are Too Small" where we got to see a Go-Go dancer from Philadelphia (yeah, way to represent da hood, Skeeter Bites!) crying about how she has to wear three push-up bras at the same time to create the illusion of cleavage for the obliteratedly drunk male clientele at her place of employment.

I know a girl who has a stump for a right hand. Can MTV do a show about her so these stupid twats can watch a show about people with real problems and then maybe they can all shut the fuck up? Seriously-- that's your big problem in life? You don't know whether to spend $15,000 on breast reduction surgery (that your insurance company won't cover because, actually, your breasts aren't really that big in the first place) or $12,000 on daily visits to a personal trainer and custom-fitted bras and tops for a year? Wow.

I don't know who's guiltier-- the dumb people on the shows, the dumb people who come up with the idea, the dumb people who produce, direct, write and edit the shows, or the dumb people who watch them.

One thing is for sure: the Kingdom of Dumbdom is at hand, and I've got a front-row seat. Just get your big tits out of the way so I can see.