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Sunday, July 12, 2009

What Would You Ask?

When I have writer's block, I often turn to for blogdeas.

I used to turn to but I stopped viewing that particular "news and information website" because I couldn't stand the insipidity anymore. If I saw one more headline about Nadya Suleman, I was going to take an encyclopedia to my own genitals.

Anyway, today, a New York Times headline struck me. "What Would You Ask Judge Sotomayor?"

Apparently, "the Caucus is interested in what readers would like to know about Judge Sotomayor." Now, I don't actually believe that, but I'm prepared to go along with it, just for fun, really.

Here's a list of questions I'd like to ask Judge Sotomayor:

1.) What the fuck is wrong with you?

Seriously, honey: WTFIWWY? Do you have some kind of personality disorder or emotional defecit? I'm guessing you must, because, otherwise, why would you want to sit on the Supreme Court, and have your every word, movement, gesture and, especially, opinion questioned, second-guessed, analyzed, scrutinized, villified and objectified? Do you think that will be some kind of high ol' time? I mean, look at what's happened to you since Obama picked your name out of the sombrero-- are we having fun yet? Honestly, I have no doubt that breaking your ankle was the most enjoyable part of your last couple months.

2.) Boxers or briefs?

I mean, everyone wants to know, they're just too afraid to ask. Do you think that African American male firefighters should be required to wear boxers shorts or Y-fronts while on duty and, if it's boxers, do you think that they should be permitted to object to a racially-skewed promotion test that would enable them to become lieutenants and, therefore, go to work commando-style?

3.) Are you a racist?

Think carefully before you answer-- this is a big one.

4.) Who won the English football cup in 1949?

Come on, Judge-- if you've ever seen Monty Python's Flying Circus "Communist Quiz" sketch, you've at least got a fair chance.

5.) If the asbestos siding on my house is in relatively good condition, would you suggest removing it and replacing it with aluminum siding or shingles, or just leaving it be?

I realize you're probably not an expert on this particular topic, but the home inspector said to leave it and I'm just dying for a second opinion, you know?

6.) Do you believe in the Catholic doctrine that states that sexual congress should only be initiated for the purpose of procreation and, if so, do you believe that doctrine should apply across the board to heretics like the Jews?

I have kind of a personal reason for asking.

7.) If two gay men with mustaches kiss really hard, will their mustaches fall off?

This is a question I asked my mother at age 9 and never received a satisfactory answer, so I was wondering if you would field that one for me.

8.) If someone throws up into someone else's mouth, will the person with throw-up in their mouth have a heart attack?


9.) Why is it that picking your nose in public is disgusting and all kinds of taboo, but it's perfectly acceptable to dig into your occular region to clean out your eye boogers?

I realize we're getting kind of philosophical here, but I think you can handle it.

10.) Are any of my moles cancerous?

I'm really dying to know, being a hypochondriac and an alarmist. I'm also a pretty big coward with shitty health insurance, and I'd love to avoid an expensive visit to the dermatologist and a painful biopsy, so do you think we could arrange a time where I could stand before you, buck-ass nekkid and show you all of my skin anomalies and you could just kinda, you know, tell me what's what in the mole department? That'd be sweet. Thanks, doll.

Hey, thanks New York Times! That was fun. What would YOU ask Judge Sotomayor?

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