American Czardom

You never think of America as being a place where the position of Czar has blossomed so.

It's just not a very American word. Hell, it's not even English. It's really "Tsar" and it's a Slavic word meant as a designation for certain monarchs.

Remember Fiddler on the Roof?

Random Jew: "Rabbi, Rabbi-- is there a prayer for the Tsar?"

Ancient Rabbi: "A prayer for the Tsar? Hmmmm...... Ah! Yes. 'May God bless and keep the Tsar..... far away from us!'"

In other words: you don't fuck with the Tsar or he'll pogrom your ass, bitches.

But, here we are in America, where we ordinarily never put the letters c and z together unless we're drunk, and we've got what basically amounts to a czarload of czars.

The first czar to come ashore in America was ushered in by Richard Nixon, who never seemed to have a good idea. Nobody remembers the dude's fucking name, of course, but he was the Energy Czar and his appointment was preceded by the oil crisis.

After that, the czar floodgzates opened: Reagan brought in a Drug Czar (and, no, it wasn't Nancy), Clinton knighted an AIDS Czar. Bush the Second went a little czar nutz, appointing a Cybersecurity Czar (remember Y2K-- yeah, Czary McCzaralot took care of that), another AIDS Czar, a Regulatory Czar (to keep us all regular?), a Katrina Czar (that helped, right?), a Bird Flu Czar, a Faith-based Czar (obviously) and, of course, a TARP Czar.

Obama saddled up a Car Czar, presumably just because it sounds good and black guys love to rhyme. Now he wants to appoint another czar. I don't even know what it's for, but, in the words of W. S. Gilbert, "it really doesn't matter matter matter matter matter."

I don't know exactly what's going on with the czarification of American politics, but I kind of like it. I mean, we don't have "Sir" and "Lady," because I don't think anybody in this country would qualify for either of those honorifics, so it only makes sense that, as a thugish, militaristic society that loves to steal things from other cultures and pretend that they're ours, that we appropriate the word "czar."

You might think I'd be against it, but, actually, I'm all for it. In fact, I've got some new czar titles I'd like to throw out there for consideration and I've even got some people to nominate for the positions.

First and foremost, in honor of his special day, I have a posthumous nomination for the position of...

Czar of Bizzare: Michael Fucking Jackson.

Czar of Bald Men Who Shouldn't Be Allowed Near Children: Raffi.

Czar of Bald Men Who Should Be Allowed Near Children: Ving Rhames.

Czar of Trustworthy Food Product Endorsers: The Gorton's Fisherman.

Czar of Still Bangable Elderly Chicks: Sophia Loren.

Czar of Superior Sleeping Surfaces: The Queen Sealy Posturpedic TrueForm Gracehill Harbor Ultra Plus

Czar of Fucking Ridiculously Hot Chicks With Idiotic Last Names: Eliza Dushku.

Czar of Celebrities Who Get on My Fucking Wick: Co-Czared by Rachel Ray & Dr. Oz.

Czar of People Who Just Look Ridiculous: Garth Brooks.

Czar of People Who Should be Banned from Filmmaking: Co-Czard by Adam Sandler & Nicholas Cage.

Czar of Streaming Online Porn: Um, I'll handle that if there aren't any other qualified takers...

And, finally...

Czar of People Who Prove God Has a Sense of Humor: Sarah Palin.